I don't know how I feel - Should I hold on?

[01megan]

Hey everyone!

I'm new to the site. Hope you're all good!

Basically, I've had my doubts about this guy I like a lot but he's very non-committal. I suppose you could say we have been casually dating for 2 months now.

Last night he said I was very quiet and this is how the conversation went:

Me: ''I was just wondering...what do you think of me?''
Him: ''Well...you're very anxious''
Me: ''Oh, I just worry about saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing and how people view me''
(We mentioned something about how indecisive how I am)
Him: ''I know, it's strange because you clearly can make decisions as you've set up the mental health group...but it's silly things like whether to watch a movie or not you struggle with. It doesn't matter though'
Me: ''Would you like me to be more confident?''
Him: ''I want you to be more confident for yourself, not for me''

Goes quiet

Him: ''You ok, you seem quiet?''
Me: ''Just worried about something''
Him: ''Tell me, maybe I can help you feel better''
Me: ''I worry I'm not good enough for you, that's all''
Him: ''You don't need to worry about that''

Me: ''Also, I find it difficult to know how you feel''
Him: gulps a little ''Well, I don't know how I feel...but that's not a bad thing''

Should I leave it or stay put? I really like him with all my heart...possibly even love, but I loathe myself that mental illness is getting in the way. I tried to hide the anxiety from him, but you know he's a Dr so he probably saw it coming a mile off. I swear I only hinted at it when I mentioned creating the anxiety group, but he seemed to think I mentioned it before? Weird.

I love that he checks up on me in social situations by asking if I'm ok when I'm clearly struggling, but maybe it's become too much of a loco parentis situation and I don't want him to feel that way. He was also my first, so I suppose that's why I feel so torn about all of this.

Thanks so much for listening

Um he sounds like a nice guy unless I am reading this wrong. I think it is your anxiety more than anything.
You’ve only been dating two months! Of course he doesn’t really know how he feels yet. Other than he likes you and likes being with you. Which it seems he does.

Be very wary of putting too much of your own personal anxiety on someone else’s shoulders. It can be quite stressful to deal with.
Are you having personal counselling. You know you can’t expect someone else to be your happiness. It never works and it’s not fair on them.

And why do you think he’s non committal at 2 months in? Because he could be. Or you could be reading this wrongly

Hey :) thanks for your reply! Oh, it's just been a series of small things that have been building up. He's nearly 31 and also feels scaredabout fatherhood...so I question whether he would want to be a father in time.

I'm nearly 29, so I was looking for something more serious rather than casual as I do want kids. I'm not talking about this year, but definitely early 30's. It's just a question of how long do I wait around for sort of thing, or do I find someone else?

Thanks for your other message :) That is true enough! I stopped seeing the counsellor...maybe I ought to go back. I suppose I do equate being with him to my happiness and shouldn't. However, I've been focusing on this social group and realising that dating someone isn't the only form of happiness so that helps.

How are you? :)

I mean this to be helpful as I struggle with similar anxieties as your conversation seems to show, have you looked a codependents anonymous? It may help.

Two months is very early to be so anxious and wondering how he feels and where it's going. This is supposed to be the fun bit!

I would look into counselling and try working on your self esteem. You don't need him to think you're worthy, you need YOU to think you're worthy.

I’d find those kinds of questions annoying and stressful to deal with if I were him. Two months in and having to deal with this kind of navel gazing, I think I’d be heading for the door.

Just try and enjoy it and assume if he didn’t like you he wouldn’t be there.