My husband says he will tell his Mother everything!!!!!

[helend58]

Hi there, I am keen to hear if people think I am unreasonable or my husband is being particularly difficult. He speaks with his elderly Mother in the UK (we are in NZ) every Sunday without fail.
Tonight he blurted out some personal info that our 23 year old son had told us, and that we had agreed to keep quiet for the moment. It was not in relation to anything they were talking about so I was gobsmacked and naturally challenged him about this once off the call.
The upshot is that at first he said oh I did not mean to, but then said that I tell my Mother everything and I don't have secrets (not true actually, he's kept a lot from her over the years) and you can't control me. I said but we had agreed not to say anything! I said surely if I asked you not to tell someone something private about myself you wouldn't? He said he might if he wanted to.
I think he said this partly to annoy me but reiterated that I cannot control him.
I was fairly shocked after 25 years that he would say this but he thinks I am odd expecting loyalty. To my mind - some things are private between husband and wife and the thought that he might repeat stuff I said or did beggars belief. When cornered he reacts like this but I feel your first loyalty is to your partner and her/his wishes must be respected.... I would never tell anyone anything if he asked me not to. This is why I'm so upset. Needless to say I will not tell him anything again that my son confides..... if he ever does again. I'd be very grateful if anyone had the time to reply. Thank you, H

It’s not healthy to tell everyone everything and there’s some things that parents simply don’t need/want to know. I’m not going to tell my mother about bedroom antics for example. So, as you say, it won’t be true that he tells his mother ‘everything’.

He obviously has/thinks he has a close enough relationship with his mother to tell her private things (hopefully to ask for guidance and not for a good gossip) but his primary relationship is with you. He’s went against your wishes. Whilst it’s true ‘you can’t control him’ he should be maybe consider what going against your wishes does to the trust in your relationship. Is his wish for personal freedom greater than keeping his mouth shut?

God, I hate people like this, who can't hold their piss. It's a weakness of character.

I'd be fuming. Start not telling him things. He doesn't deserve information if he's unable to control his blabbering mouth.

I would caution against the positions you are not adopting at the moment. Him, I will tell her anything I want you can’t control me. You, I will never tell you anything again.

It’s not a tenable way to live a married life. You have been together for 25 years so you know him enough to be able to gauge his level of discretion. Some people really can’t hold information. But lots of people will confide in another trusted person or indeed a world of strangers.

My view of this incident, as you describe, sounds like he made a mistake or he did want her advice. It would have been better to ask him why he did that calmly. Instead in your own words you cornered him and he became defensive. Now you are both climbing up ladders.

I think he screwed up by betraying l your sons trust and he knows it.

His response of ‘you can’t control me’ seems like a way of justifying it rather then apologising.

Maybe a few sessions with a counsellor will help talk this out.

My view of this incident, as you describe, sounds like he made a mistake or he did want her advice.

Tough shit if he wanted advice. It's his son's personal information and that son wanted it kept quiet for now. He should have respected that first and foremost. If he needed to speak to his mum for advice, he should have asked his son beforehand if it was ok.

I'd be annoyed to OP. My dh has told my mil personal information, normally health related. I hate it. I am a private person and do not wish to have my health problems discussed with her. I am more careful about what information i tell him now as i realise he cannot keep stuff to himself.

I would be very irritated, too. It wasn't his 'secret' to betray. I had a similar situation with DD except it was my mother who betrayed her confidence after asking what was happening. She betrayed it to my brother and SIL. It has had years long lasting repercussions. She just doesn't get it, even now. We're just very circumspect in what we tell her. It's changed our (hers and mine) relationship greatly, unfortunately.

Why is it his right to tell her something about a 23 year old. He needs to grow up. How dare he break your son's trust.

I'm sorry, but he sounds like a loser mummy's boy.

This really annoys me. My DH is like this with his two sisters and mum. They blurt everything. He will say stuff about our girls and I just groan. I keep saying they don’t have to know everything. It’s verbal diarrhoea. More often than not the information then gets passed around and distorted. It’s led to many rows. I feel your pain.

Sadly it is quite common, I remember being horrified when husband returned from visiting MIL and said BIL’s wife had been to hospital because of a breast lump, BIL had been sworn to secrecy yet had told his mum who had passed this on my husband, her home-help and everyone she spoke to. I made sure she knew nothing about my business after that.

My dm is exactly like this I tell her something she HAS to tell her sister who then informs the whole world.
She's completely baffled that I don't tell her anything but it's made my life hell because of it.
It's completely destroyed my relationship with her as I don't trust her.

Needless to say I will not tell him anything again that my son confides.....

Did your son tell you both or just you ?
If the latter and you went on to tell him, I think your are being hypocritical.
If your son told you both, then I would tell DH to tell your son what he has done and that his Grandmother now knows. His reaction is what you should follow yours on

That’s awful and a betrayal of trust. I’d struggle to get over that to be honest :(

If there are things he has kept from his mother for his own benefit, I would give him one warning not to share other people's information or you will be spilling the beans to MiL.

There must be something he's done, an illness he's had or a habit he's got that he wouldn't want your mum/dad/sister/brother/great aunt to know, and that you therefore haven't told them. Tell him that next time he tells his mum something that's private or not his to tell you'll be on the phone to whichever one of your rellies, and you'll be spilling the beans.

"Oh poor Uncle Albert. I know how horrid piles can be, when DH had them they were the size of a bunch of grapes and he couldn't sit down for a fortnight." Or words to that effect.

On the one hand, yes it's childish. But on the other it points out their hypocrisy.

She is his mother. Unless she has a big mouth, who is she going to tell?

You have a son yourself. Try be understanding.

Sounds to me like he fucked up. And instead of acknowledging it - he’s doubling down and lashing out, calling you controlling etc.

You know him best - what’s more common in 25 years? Over sharing personal info? Or hating to be in the wrong?

I’d be tempted to mess with him and start over sharing all his personal stuff but I’m sure there’s a more grown up way to handle it

She is his mother. Unless she has a big mouth, who is she going to tell?

Just because it's his mum, it doesn't give him the right to pass on information that isn't his to tell.

My dad hasn't been told a few things about my DC. Because they don't want him knowing just yet. Their call, not mine.

She is his mother. Unless she has a big mouth, who is she going to tell?

That’s not the point. Her ds has asked that it be kept confidential and his dad has fucked up by blurting it out and is now acting like a twat saying she can’t control him. He knows, of course, that this is not the issue. He knows he’s betrayed a confidence and is annoyed at himself for telling someone when he ought not to have done so. He should man the fuck up and admit he made a mistake instead of banging on about his wife not being able to control him. Idiot.

There are people you can trust to keep your confidences, and there are people that you can't. He's shown he's one that you can't.

So I would be doing the same as OP, and not confiding in him any more. Even if he hadn't come out with the 'controlling' line.

She is his mother. Unless she has a big mouth, who is she going to tell?
Attitudes like this infuriate me.

A confidence is a confidence. If someone asks you to keep something to yourself, they MEAN it. You tell no-one. You don't tell your spouse or your mother or your best friend. You don't blab anyone's secret. What's so difficult to understand?

People don't react well to being told they've done something wrong. They either don't believe you and get defensive, or they do believe you and get defensive. It's very rare for someone to admit that you're right IME, so I'm not surprised by your DH's attitude.

On the one hand I'm thinking - it's his mum. I'm very close to my own mum and do tend to tell her everything and ask for advice. I have certainly shared secrets with her in the knowledge that it absolutely wouldn't go further.

But if you expressly asked him not to tell his mum then he shouldn't have done so. Now you know not to trust him with information. Perhaps a frank discussion when you're both calm; he's right that you can't control him, so would he therefore prefer it if you simply didn't share things with him?