Is there a name for this kind of behaviour?

[Seth]

I split up with my exH nearly ten years ago when I was pregnant with DS 2 (now nearly 9) This 'thing' was a big feature of our relationship when we were together. We have found a way to work together raising our 2dc together but it still blows up from time to time away from them and it still drives me mad. It think must be quite common in relationships.

He'll say something to provoke me (quite aggressive or personal) . I'll react (occasionally - I'm much better at not riding to it these days) but if I do, his reaction is allll about my reaction to what he said rather than what he did wrong in the first place.

It's not gaslighting (though he does that too) . It's more me being left with a feeling of 'hang on. You are having a go at me about my reaction to something that you did or said which provoked my reaction' . The whole thing then becomes about my 'unreasonable' reaction in response to something that he said, and what he did in the first place takes a back seat..

Sorry if I am rambling. It doesn't bother me nearly as much as when we were together but it still feels like a tactic on his part.. so I just wondered if there was a name for this.

Not sure, but sounds like serious game playing. Stop reacting.

It's called being an arsehole. Stop playing into his hands and stop engaging with him. This really isn't so difficult.

Haha. Thanks . I know he's an arsehole and I don't engage with his bullshit anymore. I state my case now without fear and know how to stand up to him and don't get upset like I used to. It was more a case of looking back when I did used to and wondering if it's a common thing as I look back now and realise how much It used to upset me, and how much I got sucked in..

Manipulator I’d say in attempt to wrong foot you & make you feel he is a victim when all along he’s simply being awful. I think the point of it is for you to feel guilty that you split up & if it wasn’t for your behaviour you’d still be together. I think it is narcissistic & a form of gaslighting to make you feel insecure- try to feed off his awfulness by thinking- yup I’m glad I can think f**k off & shut the door on you - how glad are you to be as away from him as you can be until the DCs are independent, well done

Pantsomime. You have just described the situation and him perfectly, it's been swimming around in my head for so long. Thankyou.,

People like that just manipulate situations and people to be how they want them to be, and can change their minds on the spin of a coin.
It keeps you constantly on the backfoot.

He’s the biggest looser in this, the shame is your wasted dreams, but the pay off for following them is you have your DCs & they stay in your life- he sold you a lie & keeps vaguely wafting it by you as being real & attainable if only you would behave- don’t ever doubt yourself he is a twat & so good that you’ve managed to get out & to the other side

I have zero interest in him now and haven't for about 8 years but he still continues. He has a life / mortgage with someone that seems so lovely (and is great with my/his dcs ) and has done for around 6 years. We all go to drama shows/ sports days together and I always just find myself hoping she either doesn't stand for all that or that he has changed and is a better person.

Xh used to do it. It was a definite tactic. I would call it crazy making ( there's a lot online about it). Or being an arse. It was horrible to deal with and it was one of a range of ea behaviors. Like you, I find it upsetting to look back on because it came from a place of zero respect and I deserved better.

Just tell him “Yes. You are absolutely correct.” anytime he makes an outrageous statement m. That will piss him off as he won’t have the upper hand.

Completely know what you mean. Shame it doesn't have a specific name.

Just realised this is what my "D"H has been doing to me. Everything post his affair coming to light has been about "my reaction" and not his behaviour, which has been frankly awful.

I call it skull fuckery (but it is kind of gaslighting). I get it regularly from ex too.

It seems to be very common. It needs a name all of its own. It doesn't get to me really now but it was such a bit thing when we were together. I look back sometimes (not that often thankfully) and realise how I would actually let the original issue go and be drawn into a heated discussion / accusation about how I reacted to his atrocious behaviour

My ex did this too. Please just do NOT rise to anything he says and it won;t happen, simple. It took me a while to do this but now its second nature just to ignore him even when I want to punch his face in.