**Trigger Warning** Title edited by MNHQ What is this? Abusive sex in marriage?

[NCWhatisthis]

I've named changed for this, you'll see why from the post.

Background: My marriage was very mentally abusive and controlling.

Initially our sex life was normal, great actually, but quickly he appeared to lose interest. He suffered significant ED after the first month or so. In retrospect, he probably used viagra etc to get through the first part of the relationship and reel me in. Then he claimed to be stressed and tired and it would all get better when xyz happened, but it never did. He avoided evenings together, even when on holiday together he would go out by himself at night until I was asleep. When we did have sex, he repeatedly did things that I'd told him hurt me and he thought it was funny. He worked my head non-stop. I didnt leave because, by the time I'd worked him out, I had a baby - I asked for a divorce and he told me he'd fight for custody and I knew he would because of what he's like.

This is what I'm wondering about. He started complaining that his legs were sore and that he couldn't support his weight. He was twice my weight and size. He would intentionally put his full weight on my chest so I could barely breathe. I told him this, but he kept doing it. Soon after, he began to tell me his arms were too sore and he couldn't keep his upper body up. He was taller than me and this resulted in him lying his chest right on my face, smothering me so I couldn't breathe. I had to turn my head totally to the right to try to breathe through a gap between him and the bed. I was also crushed under his full weight.

I told him I couldn't breathe, but he repeatedly did it and it was absolutely awful. Traumatic, I guess.

What was this? Nothing is a one-off, unique to the abuser. Is this an abuse thing? I keep remembering it. I'm just trying to make sense of it all in my head and I can't.

Of course it's abuse. He was suffocating you.

I'm sorry.

Thanks, Menu.
I guess I'm just trying to get it all straight in my head. He said he was too sore to support himself, but...I think that was a lie. He could still play sport. He did other sexual things which hurt and I told him so but he still did them and laughed. When I put my foot down, he said I "wasn't allowing him to touch me anymore".

I've always wondered if this was something only he did, or if other women have had this happen, if it's just another type of abuse. I figure if there's a script for cheaters, there's probably one for sexual abusers too? I guess it would make me feel less alone and less like our sex life was uniquely freakish. I dont know. Less embarrassed to talk about it. It's so bizarre that it's difficult to tell anyone what happened to me.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=rJ6UML1c_V0

There’s a script for sexual abusers. Have you done the Freedom Programme?

There's a fetish for this. Don't look it up, it's very disturbing.

He hurt you sexually for his own pleasure and this was part of it. Making those excuses for why he was doing it was exactly the same sort of gas-lighting as him pretending you protesting getting hurt meant he couldn't touch you any more.

I had an ex who was quite kinky, in similar ways, but he constantly checked that I was ok, it was ok.
Still quite shocking though, I thought.

Thanks very much Fondue, I'll watch that when I'm home later. I've read through all the freedom programme material but cant attend the programme in person due to working full time.

My ex fits Lundy Bancroft's mr right, headworker and sexual controller, but mostly the water torturer. That fits him to a tee. Everyone thinks he is wonderful. He would pick fights or make nasty comments before we went out, so I seemed "off" and he would be in top spirits (because I was anxious and sad).

Most of them have a finger in quite a few pies. Women’s Aid run sometimes run the course in the evenings or it can be done online. Personally I found it beneficial to meet women who’d had similar experiences.

Regardless of kinky/fetish it’s abuse when it’s unwanted.

There's a fetish for this. Don't look it up, it's very disturbing.

I had a sense that would be the case. God.
I tried googling to see if it was an abuse "thing" but the results coming up weren't women discussing relationships, more like stuff it seemed like I better not click on.

I guess this doesnt get discussed because its graphic and so its shameful. Even though the shame is should be theirs for being abusive.

If you told him not to do it but he did it anyway it’s rape. Sorry this happened to you

There are a million different positions to try yet he has to do this to you. It's abuse, I'm sorry.

Sorry lovely, but none of that is a normal living relationship. It is sexual abuse. A normal partner would stop halfway through sex if you told him something hurt, let alone do it again. It was all intentional. It sounds like he only was able to maintain an erection through abusing you, and that says nothing about you and all about how vile he was.
Sorry you went through that, but well done in being strong enough now to work through it all.

Even if there was anything in the legs/arms thing (which sounds very unlikely) you could've had sex in any number of other positions that would make it null and void eg spoons.

But it's obvious that's not the real issue.

Anyone laughing and continuing when you say something hurts ....

I've just watched the video. Some of it really resonates, but his favoured sexual control was inflicting pain and then withdrawing sex (permanently, eventually, but claiming I chose that and not allowing me to leave the marriage).

There was another thing he did.
I had an ex boyfriend who wanted to try a position. It hurt and I asked him to stop. He didnt. I repeatedly told him, ordered him to stop. He didnt. The way we were positioned, I couldnt get away. I was in too much pain to move and try to fight him off. I remember thinking "oh my God, I'm being raped now, I cant believe this". After what seemed like a long time, he eventually got off me. I told my husband this.
At one point he decided to try the position. I reminded him about the ex and what happened, told him I didnt want to, the pain, the memory, I tried to convince him to "let" me not do this. But he went on and on about it and I couldn't talk him out of it. I let him do it. It didnt work anyway and he stopped.

I didnt say no, but I keep thinking about how hard I tried to convince him that I didnt want to and why I didnt want to. I dont know why someone would want to go ahead and pressure a woman into doing something that shed been raped doing and didnt want to do - not necessarily forever, but just not then.

He just didnt care. I dont think he saw me as a person at all.

He probably got off on making you do it knowing how bad it had been for you before. I'm sorry you went through this.

Yeah, I always wondered if he asked because I told him what happened to me. He never wanted to do that early on. Just later. When I'd confided in him about that.

Early on it was so normal, so mutual and so sweet. Later on it was a horror show.

I have had both of my shoulders replaced due to arthritis and find it difficult to support my weight on my arms. So we spend most of time with my partner on top, or doggy. I have a valid reason to let my full weight rest on my partner, but choose not to.

I am sorry to say that you have been abused. I hope that you are able to work through this and have fulfilling relationships in the future. Best wishes.