Should I end my relationship of 12 years?

[Lilacwine01]

Name changed for this post.
I've been with my DH for 12 years, married for 10. We seem to be at complete loggerheads at the moment and it all came to a head on Wednesday. We argued about trivial things, like me running around making tea, sorting out washing/drying etc while he was with the two dc in the sitting room... I kept popping my head in and what dh was doing was lying on the sofa. Anyway, we all sat in the dining room for tea and shortly after he said he'd run the bath, (our dc are 2 & 5 and had been playing up all over dinner so it's usually best just to get them in the bath and in pjs). Instead of running the bath and getting the bed time ball rolling he decided on a 15 minute Facebook check loo break, I came up with the kids to find no bath run and all hell broke loose because my eldest decided he wanted pudding all of a sudden. This caused 15 minutes of "pudding" screaming (in fairness, he'd been back at school 2 days and was knackered!). Dh did fuck all to help the situation and left me being really shouty with the dc. It got worse with me and dh shouting at each other and my crying for about an hour without him even coming to see if I was ok. Now this may seem like not a big deal and it's just one day but he's so bloody insensitive and uncaring.
I have a sister who is having major MH issues at the moment and she upset me and my parents horrendously this last weekend. I'm worried for my nephews and that's affecting my mood at the moment... I feel like my dh should be a bit more understanding and helpful.
Instead, tonight, he brought the whole thing back up again and said he thinks I should be careful or I'll end up like my sister; he doesn't see anything that I do around the house that he can't do; he brought up that I was shit when his mum died a couple of years ago and finally said that if ever anyone dies that I'm close to he wouldn't give me any support what so ever.
I just feel like he's being an absolute dick and it's been going on for months before this week. WWYD? Please help!

Unless you’re both able to start communicating with each other thoughtfully with warmth and empathy rapidly, then yeah, you probably do need to end it.

QueenOfPain that's something we've always been fantastic at, but... he hates my sister and hates that it bothers me how she is... it's a really awkward situation but I think I've answered my own question here... my sister seems determined to cause shit and that's what's happening now. I think I've maybe been as shit to live with as he has.

Oh gosh, is your sister deliberately causing issues or just as collateral to her problems?

As much as your DH might have his own personal issue with your sister, it’s rather unfeeling of him to expect you to be able to respond to her situation in the same detached way that he can. And I think it’s his detachment that is enabling his refusal to pull his weight or ease things for you. A bit like “I don’t care and it isn’t impacting me, so why is it you?”. Which is very bloody selfish, really.

It sounds like you’re both forgetting about being nice to each other through day-to-day stresses of children and maybe both of you feel the other isn’t supportive. Don’t wait for him to be a mind-reader, tell him if you want help with tantrumming child...sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t want the distraction of Dad whilst I’m dealing with it. I don’t expect anybody to know which one it is without a hint. Ask him why he hadn’t put taps on for running bath whilst in bathroom, you never know he might have just forgotten, got sat on loo, we all do sometimes! Maybe he is being lazy/not thinking/skiving with Facebook but maybe he isn’t and you’ve presumed things, talking reduces resentment for both of you.
The big issue is him regarding the death he experienced/it’s effect/him feeling clearly you were not there for him and you feeling the same re your sister...you need to talk, to listen and probably give hugs to each other. Worrying about somebody’s health and child welfare is horrible, I know, but losing somebody can be a huge unexpected ball of grief. My exH was extremely unsupportive after my mother’s death and I knew that the marriage could not continue...we split 4 months later after over 13 years together. He showed he didn’t truly care. I really hope your DH doesn’t feel so lonely within your relationship in his sadness like I did. Grief and bereavement is hard to grasp when you haven’t experienced it.
You really need to communicate.

OP, you sound like a couple who would really benefit from a couple of sessions of marriage counselling or a marriage course. Your communication is poor and, as MrsTeaspoon says, you've lost the habit of being kind to each other and behaving as a partnership. I'm sure your worry about your sister and his grief about his mum are hugely relevant, and once you get into this pattern it can be difficult to find your way back without help from a third party.

You sound worn out and in need of support in looking after your DC and worrying about your DSis, her family and your parents.

It also sounds as if there is a longstanding lack of communication going on between you and your DH. You are probably both wrapped up in your own individual problems rather than talking to each other and sharing and supporting each other.

I think the fact he mentioned your response to his mum's death is very significant. What he said was a very strong statement that he didn't feel you supported him which could very well have impacted how he responds to you now. He may feel a lot of suppressed anger over this. I know that if I had felt unsupported when I lost my dad (in my case) I'd have kicked my partner into touch. It's probably the most important time you need the love and support of your partner and he may still be feeling deep grief over this.

You both need to sit and talk properly and I think counselling would be the best way forward.

I can see both sides here.

Do you think he wants it to work still?

I think he sounds fucking hideous personally, and that it is nothing to do with communication.
He sounds lazy and passive and cruel, lying around and then locking himself away for a luxury poo, and then punishing you for supposed lack of support years ago. Did you really offer no support or is he all poor little me and rewriting history??

Were you unsupportive when his mum died?

We had a good long talk this morning and sorted a lot of things out. We have always been good at talking things through, it's just things have got on top of us recently.

He apologised for what he said about me not being supportive when his mum died (without me bringing it up first). It's not that I was unsupportive but I was going through a spell of depression, anxiety and insomnia, I tried my best but it's not something I could just snap out of. He knows I feel guilty about it. This morning he said that he appreciates that I did support him and that he was just trying to hurt me in an argument. Life just gets on top of you sometimes, doesn't it. We haven't had any time without the kids since before christmas so no time to be ourselves as a couple. I think that's half the problem. Thanks for all your advice. Communication within a couple really is so important.

How nice to see a post that evolves in this way. Wishing you both strength as you work through your family problems together.

Thank you GreenHatHacker, I really appreciate it