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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My brothers gf of 4 months is destroying his life

12 replies

Fartknocker1 · 04/05/2019 00:18

Hi all,

So I need a bit of advice. This is a very long drawn out story, so I'll try my best just to share the highlights.
Basically, about 4 months ago, my younger brother (21) who still lives at home, met a girl online and invited her to come and stay over one weekend (she lived several miles away)...and then she never left. My mum wasn't pleased with the situation and asked her to leave on many occasions but she refused, giving countless excuses. Anyway, it transpired quite quickly that she has a lot of mental health issues - she (apparently) suffers from borderline personality disorder, and was self harming. Almost every day she would phone the police or an ambulance to the house whether it was needed or not and my mum eventually got sick of not being able to get the girl out of her house and all the drama that was ensuing and moved out of our family home into my grandparents house, leaving my brother and his gf to it. My brother became very depressed and wasn't coping, but let her stay. Over the last week or so, things finally came to a head when my brothers gf broke my mums wrist, took a bunch of tablets, put her head through our wall and attacked ambulance staff, resulting in a short stay in hospital, and now, a psychiatric unit.

In spite of all this (and much more), my brother is still with her. And whilst I understand ultimately he is an adult and it is his choice who to be with, I am increasingly concerned for him. She is on social media all day posting (no exaggeration) around 50 statuses accusing my brother of cheating on her and blaming my mum for her mental health problems, and she has started messaging me threatening my family and saying she is going to get the police to visit my grandparents because my brother is in danger. My brother himself has told me that she messages him non stop with accusations and when he defends himself she starts sending pictures of her choking herself and telling him he's the one driving her to suicide.
This is all deeply concerning and she has now decided to book them a holiday in 2 months time, and I genuinely fear for his safety.
I've tried talking to him but he just seems to be acting like a lovesick idiot. I really don't know what else to do?

OP posts:

duebaby2 · 04/05/2019 00:32

Change the locks to the house, refuse her entry, don't give your brother a key. Any serious issues arise call the police to deal with her.

JuniFora · 04/05/2019 00:34

Stop pandering to him pandering to her. Your mother needs to move back into her own home, not allow the girlfriend back and kick your brother out. Let him take responsibility for his own life. When he has to rent a home, no housemates are going to tolerate her behaviour so that's likely the job done for you.

Any choice he makes regarding his life is up to him. You can't do that for him. You can ensure that you don't allow him to dictate to you or bring trouble to your life. It's essential your mother gets that and has the support to enforce it.

JaxTaylorDidIt · 04/05/2019 00:36

This post can't be real!

KittyKatya · 04/05/2019 00:37

All good points, that, now his gf has actually left the house, my mum has got covered.

I'm just concerned for my brothers welfare more than anything. He can still maintain a relationship with her outside of my mums house, and that's his choice, but she is emotionally abusing him and it's not doing his mental health any good.

SandyY2K · 04/05/2019 00:53

Its madness that your mum moved out of her own house because of her son's GF. Your brother is not thinking clearly and that's putting it mildly.

Does the girl not have any family?

Is this your brother's first relationship? Because it's rather foolish and unwise to invite someone you've never met to spend the weekend in your house....especially as it's not his house per se..but his home. Does he have any diagnosed learning difficulties? Or suffer from low self esteem or a lack of confidence? His behaviour in tolerating this is quite alarming.

I'd have had the police remove her if she refused to leave.

SandyY2K · 04/05/2019 00:53

Name change fail OP.

Gingerkittykat · 04/05/2019 00:55

Has the gf been charged with assault on your mum?

Chloemol · 04/05/2019 00:57

Why is the op using two names?

AgentJohnson · 04/05/2019 08:03

Your mother left her own house because she sacrificed her boundaries by enabling her son.

Qweenbee · 04/05/2019 08:08

She's going to make an accusation one day that will end up with him in jail. Ask him if he's ok with this then leave him to it.
Obviously don't let her move back in or even visit. If he wants to see her it has to be out of your mother's home. If he flouts this then call police. Can she get a restraining order, given that this woman broke your mother's wrist?

KittyKatya · 04/05/2019 10:01

I don't agree with my mum moving out of the house in the first place but she has her own mental health issues, and is very passive aggressive. I think, aside from not being able to cope with the extent of his gf's illness, my mum may also have been hoping to guilt trip my brother into having to face the fact that he'd "chased her out of her home".
His gf apparently lived with her mum, when she wasn't living with other guys, but ultimately her mum did nothing to encourage her to come home and hasn't visited her in hospital.
It's my brothers second serious relationship. And he did the EXACT same thing with his first girlfriend (only difference being that she didn't have all these mental health problems). He doesn't have any learning difficulties, but his mental health isn't exactly top notch. He has difficulty controlling his emotions and has angry outbursts.
He does have a difficult relationship with our mum, and I think a big part of the problem is that our mum has never been very good at setting rules or boundaries, and by this point, I think my brother just perceives it as her being controlling.

I don't think the fact that I used two names is of any great concern, but to clarify ; I just put in a random word to ensure that I got a username that wasn't taken, then attempted to change it, and failed. Mystery solved.

Summersunsareglowing · 04/05/2019 12:10

The best thing to do in the first Instance is for your mum to report the assault to the police and have the gf charged.

You also need to report the threats and harrassment' you have experienced to the police. Show them the messages.
Report all other threats too.

Inform the psychiatric unit too and provide evidence to them. The gf clearly has psychotic experiences and needs extensive and prolonged help.

Your mother needs to ensure the gf does not have access to her home in the future and your brother needs to accept she is not to visit him there.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to protect your brother if he is not prepared to listen to you. The fact that he feels so involved with a girl that he let her stay after her first visit is not a normal response. He could probably do with some counselling for his issues too.

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