how do you manage a mother you love but says things that sometimes hurt you..

[user6hty]

my mum is great in loads of ways. she's also very funny sometimes and can be understanding.

however, she has had a very different life to me. married young and never had real money worries. worked a little here and there but no pressure on her to pay bills. she's by no means "a princess" and you wouldn't find her in a spa indulging her days away...I just mean she has had a comfortable financial life.

I have a decent job, worked bloody hard for it, managed to get my own place at 30 worth crica 220k. mum is generally proud of this - I don't feel it is much of an achievement financially. but the comments have begun...your sibling is having a baby soon, are you dating? why don't you forget your job now and focus on a husband? (lots of laughter here). you're too picky with men, you should have forgiven x for shouting and threstening you..why did he do it?

these comments make me reslly umhappy and make me question whether I am just a shit persom unable to find a man. I am approaching mid thirties so maybe hse has a point? I have tried to tell her to stop amd she will for a while then it starts again. startimg to feel like nothing else matters and I haven't matched up to what she thinks is best in life.

Didn't want to read and run.

I've recently made the decision to cut out my mother from my life. I haven't seen her since July 2018. Tried to reconcile with her last week, was a complete waste of time.

The point I guess I was trying to make was that you can't choose your family. I mean, you could tell her how she makes you feel but if it falls on deaf ears, is it worth continue a relationship?

The way I look at it is just because you're related, doesn't make it ok for them to treat you badly.

I would guess if your mum is generally nice to you then this is 'clumsy' worry manifesting as criticism. None of us are perfect, we all say the wrong things as mums and daughters alike. There are very few truly nasty mums out there but there are lots of testy mum/daughter relationships because of clumsy worry.

If you forget your mum's barbed comments for a moment and look at your life, are you happy with how your life is going?

If you are happy with your home, your job and yourself as a person then surely your opinion is the only one that matters here.

Being in a relationship, and having children does not guarantee life long happiness, nor do they validate a woman.

The longest relationship I've ever had was 5 years, (I sometimes wonder if I'm a shit person who can't keep a man too) but I would rather be single for the rest of my days than be stuck in an unhappy relationship with children reliant on me.

The next time your mum starts this caustic routine walk away/hang up the phone. Hopefully she will realise her comments are unwelcome and will respect your life. 💐

My mum was super critical of nearly every decision I made in life. She would crow to her friends about me but privately criticise me. My husband was crap apparently, my career change was wrong apparently, my child was a spoilt brat apparently.
I’m totally confident and happy with every choice I’ve made and I nodded, smiled and ignored her.
Your mum doesn’t have a point.
You are your own agent.

I agree this sounds like clumsy worry borne from quite outdated views. Unfortunately I'm not really sure how best to handle it as you've already mentioned it and she seems to slide back into it.
The only thing you can really do is change how you react to her. A breezy "oh I'm having too much fun to settle just yet" or a firm rude "Christ you're getting boring now...if I happen to meet someone or get knocked up I'll let you know"
I personally found the shock tactic worked for me...

Does you Mum know how bad she is making you feel? Her comments are clearly making you feel terrible but have you told her straight about the impact her words are having on you? You sound like you might have broached it in a kind, considerate way because you didn’t want to upset her. Sometimes I think you need to be very firm, sharp even without being unnecessarily rude...... You have to get her to understand that she’s making you very unhappy and that you will not tolerate her speaking to you in this way. I’m sorry she’s making you feel so bad about yourself ....

I have gone NC with my mum since January after a number of attempts to 'make it work' between us. The fact is, as heartbreaking as it is, I feel lighter somehow without her constant negativity in my life.

I don't know if this is a permanent arrangement - she has sent cards to me, she has asked family members to speak to me. I've become a lot more selfish

I'm another one that has gone no-contact with my mum for the last year. 47 years of constant undermining & saying truly awful things about my alleged complicity in my dad's abuse of her. She routinely referred to me as 'the other woman'.
She tried to start that shit with my DS, but enough is enough.
It's not easy - it has been a deeply painful process, but it is totally liberating.
I feel like I can extend my wings & be myself, for the first time.
It may not be the right route for you, OP, & I wish you well whatever path you take