Husband doing things behind my back

[New2Parenting]

My husband and I have been to 5 years. We have no children.

He continually does things behind my back, (not cheating).

He has gotten car loans, made financial decisions, made decisions that affect us.

He doesn't tell me about these things, I end up finding out by accident (paperwork).

I'm at the point where enough is enough. We have definitely discussed these issues when they arise and he says he won't do it again. But he does.

I love him, but I don't know if I can continue with him. But at the same time I can't imagine my life without him.

You've spoken about it, he's lied. Love is great but with kids if you want them and a life, having a liar who hides things from you will get old quickly.

Sorry

This is financial and emotional abuse, OP. He is controlling, and does not see you as an equal partner. Going behind your back is treating you with contempt.

I would have to walk away. Do you want to always live with anxiety and uncertainty?

I hate how the "abuse" word is thrown around on MN these days

He's not abusive - he's a liar and an idiot and ignorant/inconsiderate/selfish

My DH does the same - takes credit cards out without telling me until he gets court demands - I bail him out and make him pay me back and he promises not to do it again but inevitable does - he's not abuser though he's just useless with money which is why now I look after our finances and make the financial decisions - but sounds like on MN I'd be considered the abuser and controller 😬

Anyway back to OP.....it's up to to you what you can live with? Has he said why he keeps doing what he is doing??? I would start there? If he's just oblivious and there is no malice behind his actions then I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt once more X

The lies do so much damage, you will end up not being able to believe anything he says about anything and, from bitter experience, that's no way to live. It will turn you into a paranoid mess and destroy your self esteem, and it will slowly kill your love for him.

It's bloody hard but my advice would be to leave him, it might break your heart but you will heal whereas years more of his lies will do irreparable damage. Sorry OP, I know that's not what you wanted to hear

You can't imagine life without him, but can you imagine decades of this? Can you imagine bankruptcy? Having to work full time when you have children rather than part-time, because he's so bad with money? Having no holidays?

Run for the hills and fgs don't have children with this man. I would leave immediately if I were you because you just can't trust him.

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted I work in DV, it is financial abuse

If it were me I would divorce him and make sure I didnt live with him. Make sure you are not financially connected. If you carry on seeing him after that at least your finances and home wont be at risk if he doesnt anything stupid with money (all your examples are financial but its not clear if its always financial things?)

Obviously the chances of him just accepting this and of moving "backwards" to a more casual non-live in relationship are quite slim, though.

This is really really serious stuff.

I could not stay with or have children with a man like that.

The stress would most likely kill me.

I recommend you divorce him as he clearly cannot or will not change

If you want to stay with him understand
YOU CANNOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN
He is not responsible and can’t be trusted

Yes my ex husband did similar. Note the ex.

@EvilHerbivore if he's taking loans out in his own name just not telling her about it and he's the one paying them back I don't see where the abuse is?

Presumably me being in control of my families finances because my DH couldn't manage a piggy bank also makes me an "abuser"!

I was married briefly nearly 40 years ago to a man like this, although I unwisely had children with. When I read the new list of what constitutes financial and emotional abuse I realised I could tick 8 out of ten, however back in the 80's I had no idea what it was called.
Leave now before your life becomes intolerable and has long lasting consequences for you.