Please advise about DH

[SecondGuessingAllTheTime]

I am not in a good place right now (long story and probably not all relevant to my post), but can someone please tell me if I am being unreasonable to be upset by these recent comments from my DH?

1. He forgot our wedding anniversary beginning of March. He says he does loads for me in a practical way and I should think of the good things that he does, not a stupid thing like anniversaries being celebrated. He does do things, though only those that appeal to him...for example he loves driving and I know if I asked him to drive me the length and breadth of the UK he would, but he never "sees" anything in the house that needs doing, and although we have so many jobs that need doing on our home (some of them are going to cause big probems if we don't do them soon), he spends all his free time in the garage as he is passionate about anything with an engine.

2. We were on holiday last week in Europe (we live in UK). It was my Birthday on the second day in. I suggested we went for a walk, which we both enjoy doing. He wanted to climb a huge hill for the view. I love walking but on the flat, I loathe walking up hills, so I said I would prefer not to, but was fine with a long hike around the coast. He spent half an hour trying to convince me I was wrong, trying to get me to go just half way up and see how great the view would be and he was sure once I saw that, I would want to continue to the top. It ended with a huge row where he told me he just didn't understand people who didn't want adventure, that I was wasting my chances to see and do great things, that I was too small minded to try new experiences....in fact he went on and on so much I ended up sitting on a park bench sobbing, which annoyed him more. I offerred to go off and walk round the town (genuine offer, I would actually have liked to be alone for a bit), while he did the hill, ,but he got angrier and said no, it was my Birthday, so if we didn't both do it, he couldn't, otherwise I would be bringing it up for eternity in rows to come. I admit I do this now and then, but not often and mainly it is because he will never talk anything through, so I am left always with unresolved issues that make me feel ignored and unreasonable - even when I know I am not. We had a huge row mid afternoon too because I couldn't manage to laugh and joke and pretend I had had a lovely day. I wasn't nasty or anything, I was just sad and a bit quiet, but this annoys him - he thinks I should be able to just move on and put things behind me at the drop of a hat, and that talking through and resolving rows is just "so much piffle and a waste of time"

3. When we got back to uk on Monday, it was to find out that my father had died suddenly on Sunday night. I did not have a good childhood, I was fed, clothed and housed, but not much else, and there are a couple of instances where I was sexually abused by a family member that they didn't deal with, so I was not close to either parent, and had always thought I would be ok when they died, I didnt expect to feel much at all. I was an adult when I realised that a lot of how I was treated by them was emotionally abusive, and I do lack any liking for my self, do not expect to be liked or considered by others and am a chronic people pleaser. But it turns out I do feel the loss much more keenly than I expected to. DH has been irritated with my crying and said he doesn't "get it", because my parents did little to ensure I grew up with any self esteem or happiness, and points out to me I have told him in the past that I felt that I would be more relieved than sad when they died, as they still had no obvious love for me and were completely disinterested in anything I did. So he doesn't understand why I am upset. I'm not really sure whether I am actually upset that my father has died or because there is no chance now that he will ever tell me he did love me and was proud of me. I find it very hard that my DH just doesn't seem to want to comfort me at a time when I desperately need to feel cared for.

We have 2 adult DC, stil living at home and for them I want to keep our home calm and comforting (they both have problems going on that I don't want to go into on here).....but I don't know how to deal with my grief, support my kids and go forward while feeling so hurt by my DH attitude. IF in fact I am right in thinking his attitude is unreasonably unloving. I can't tell, so would be very grateful to hear what others think.

Sorry this is so long.

You, of course, are right. He isn't providing the love and nurture that you can reasonably expect from a partner. It sounds like he has been taking advantage of your poor upbringing to promote his sense of entitlement that his needs outweigh yours.
It is perfectly normal to be hit by the death of a parent however they have treated you. Death is so final, and as you say yourself means the end of any possibility of resolving issues directly with them.
I think you could use the death however as a turning point to start to assert your needs. Really assert though, without fear of rocking the boat. You are important. You always were and always will be. You thoughts and wishes are equal to his, and indeed your father's. Grieve how it feels right to you, then work on getting the relationship you need with your husband, even if this is no relationship at all.

Any one of those, you have every right to be upset. All together, what a horrible weekend, I’m so sorry.

Your dh expects you to live by his rules & standards. He has forgotten that people are different. Is it something that has come on with age or has he always acted like that?

Someone, possibly a brother or mate needs to take him to one side and explain, preferably with short words and big letters, what a selfish unfeeling git he has been.

And maybe you need to talk to someone who will listen. Can you spend a day or a weekend away with a friend who can be trusted. Or possibly a counsellor.

I am really sorry that you are dealing with the death of a parent. Regardless of the nature of your relationship it is normal to be experiencing a plethora of feelings, some of which there may be no rhyme or reason for. Please be kind to yourself and remember that whatever you feel, or do not feel about your fathers passing, this is okay.

In respect of your DH, his behaviour sounds concerning and of course you are not being unreasonable in wanting/ expecting his support. Has he always demonstrated such selfish and uncaring behaviour in relation to your experiences and feelings, or is this a new thing?

You make reference to events of your childhood and experience of emotional and sexual abuse. Have you ever had any counselling/ talking therapy to address these experiences and how they have influenced your understanding/ expectations of relationships, both with yourself and others? Do you generally feel loved, valued and respected in your relationship. Does you believe that your DH understands you, for you, or does he seem to make a concerted effort to change/ shape your feelings and behaviour?

You married your Dad, get solo counselling for yourself but it’s unlikely your H has it in him to nurture or respect you.

You poor thing, difficult time for you.

Your dh needs to give his head a wobble if he is seriously telling the person he is supposed to love most to stop crying about her dad's death. I found it hard to know what to do with my exh when his mum died - partly as we'd both lost the habit of turning to one another for support, as he had been away a lot. But I still knew what you do and do not say to someone who's freshly bereaved.

I agree that this would be a good opportunity to get yourself some counselling if possible.

he just didn't understand people who didn't want adventure
My ex used to think this way about me. He wasn't entirely wrong, as I didn't feel very adventurous around him. But he also just used that as an opportunity for criticism, rather than encouraging me. I now do things with my bf that I wouldn't have dreamt of doing with my exh. That's partly as my bf makes the activities sound nice and achievable, but it's also partly because I want to make more effort for my bf. I was too out of touch with my exh to want to please him.