I know I need to leave - but I'm second guessing myself and scared of all the unknowns

[TheStormWeather]

My marriage has been shaky for a long time, we actually split up before but ended up back together when I found out I was pregnant with our second child. Not my wisest decision with hindsight.

While we're not having huge arguments like we used to, it's mostly because I've learnt to adapt my behaviour/ stay quiet. So I'm unhappy and he still finds things to pick away at.

It's all come to a head for me though because he started working at the same company as me and when HR messed something up for him his response was to lose his temper, punching walls, shouting and swearing. So now we've gone back to struggling for money because of his temper. He's also decided that he now wants me to find another job - he says it's because my shifts make childcare impossible if he took on a job with shifts too- but I suspect it's more to do with his view that you are either with him or against him. We are very isolated because of this view, people only have to make one "mistake" and he'll cut them out of our lives - or at the very least make it difficult for me to see them.

Up until now I've trained myself to not see all the things he does that upset me, but now I'm finding it hard to ignore them.

So I know I need to go. I'm tired of walking on eggshells. I'm tired of being made to feel guilty if I'm too tired or in too much pain for sex. I'm tired of him insisting the children play in their room and not "pester" him for attention. I'm tired of being the only one to help the kids with their reading and homework. I'm tired of phone calls at work because he wants me to deal with the kids when they are upset/ frustrated. I'm tired of him criticising the things I like. I'm tired of not using a walking stick when I need to because he doesn't like how it looks. I'm tired of having to do everything together so that I have little time to myself.

But I'm scared of what happens next. I feel ill thinking about spending nights without my babies. I worry because right now he's the one doing most of the childcare (In terms of time and school drop off and pick up). I don't know whether I can carry on working full time if I'm not with him and manage to get main custody of the kids. I don't know how we sort out who lives where (we're in a council house). And I worry he won't allow the split to be amicable.

I'm very scared.

What is worse- the unknown or living with him for the next 50years?

Definitely living with him, the thought of getting to retirement age and having to spend more time with him is horrible. And I want my kids to know the real me, not this quiet/ subdued version. I love the brief moments we get when he's out

There is your answer then- unknown it is.

Becausewhen the unknown is better then the status quo, it’s time to go.

Sounds awful op. Can't you tell him to find a decent job and you will find another one when he does, that way you could work your hours (maybe part time - say it's all you could find) around his job and you'd be looking after the children more, so you should get residency.

As for how he's treating you I would try to be as unemotional as possible - these types thrive off your emotions.

And fuck him when he's says you can't use your stick. What a twat. Just say you need it, don't get upset or angry (at least don't show it), and repeat the same line about needing it. Don't get into a discussion about it.

Ultimately though you need to figure out an exit strategy.

Surely the unknown is better than living like this for the rest of your life. Does he not work at all now?

Him not letting you use a walking stick and getting annoyed if your in pain because of his wants. Is one of the saddest and most awful things I have ever read on here, it resonates as I have also had to use a walking stick sometimes.

Get to a divorce lawyer with a list of questions. Make sure he has no idea you are doing this.

OP I am so angry on your behalf that he doesn't want you to use a very basic mobility aid because of his self image issues. I assume this means you are in more pain after excursions of any sort? And then that probably pisses him off even more?

I spent 2 years using a stick due to chronic problems with my right knee. Without it, simply getting to work would have been a huge challenge, never mind doing my actual job! If my ex had ever given me grief about it I'd have clattered it round his head! (Just kidding obvs. I actually would have secretly unplugged the Sky box right before one of his beloved football matches. Mwah hah hah!)

Do you have a circle of support - family and friends - who you can call on for emotional support? If he has isolated you from friends and family over the years, start reaching out to them. Explain that he has been subjecting you to control and abuse for the last X years. Do NOT tell them you are planning to leave unless you are 100% certain they won't go behind your back and tell him. Family can be bad for this - especially if the reason you chose him was due to low self esteem due to childhood abuse.

Give Womens Aid a call. Please don't think that because he doesn't hit you, that you're not being abused, or it's not bad "enough". It is bad enough. In fact emotional abuse can often have longer lasting damage than physical abuse, because there's the possibility of second guessing yourself. "Am I making a fuss about nothing? Some women are murdered by their partners! He's never laid a finger on me!" type thing.

WA will validate your feelings and support you with a plan to leave. They should also be able to point you towards local solicitors who have proven track records in helping Domestic Abuse victims get divorced without getting screwed over. They should also be able to advise about housing.

Re: overnights with kids - if he's already pissed off with them to the extent that he wants you to keep them away from him, is he really going to bother with contact?

Have you looked on the "entitledto" website to see what benefits top ups you could get?

Definitely do not give up your job. You need stability right now and an understanding manager who will support you. If you start a new job you have no legal right to keep it until you've been there 2 years. You could be sacked at any time on spurious grounds and would have no legal comeback. Additionally you would not be entitled to unpaid parental leave until you had 12 months service.

Finally, have you applied for PIP? If you're using a stick most of the time then gut instinct says you may be eligible for at the very least a bus pass, probably a blue badge, possibly a personal allowance as well.

I know this is a lot to take in... it's like my brain vomited onto the page, sorry! You don't have to do all this stuff in one go. You DO have options and you DON'T have to stay. You and your DC deserve so much better than this joke of a man.