Reconciliation?

[MyElbowIsItchy]

Do I do it?

Nc with mother for 15 years. She didn’t approve of my dh and told me to choose. I chose him. She didn’t take it well and made our lives hell for a while....reporting us to social services for instance out of spite.

Had quite an ordinary upbringing but she was definitely emotionally detached, a lot of issues throughout her life. She’s probably a narcissist.

I’ve been considering whether to reconcile with her since Christmas. I’m weighing up the pros and cons of having her in my life again, would it be of benefit to my children etc? Have had a family bereavement in the last fortnight and it’s made me think of all the what-ifs. What if she dies and I don’t get a chance to speak to her? What if I get sick? What if I ruin my marriage for letting her back in?

I’m afraid to have the conversation with my dh, he is a good man, a fantastic father and a very supportive husband.

What should I do?

Why are you afraid to talk to your husband?

If she maliciously reported you to SS to punish you for choosing your husband over her - which is truly appalling thing to do - why do you think she’ll be a good addition to your DC’s lives? She sounds very toxic and likely to cause you a lot more pain and heartache.

I’m sorry she’s been so awful to you

Don't do it. At least not until your dc are much older (ie late teens) and are able to decide for themselves whether they want a relationship with someone who hates their dad and made their mother's life a misery because of it.

I am sorry to read of your recent family bereavement.

Do not restart any form of contact with your mother, no good will come of doing so (and she has not likely changed at all since your own childhood).

You would not have tolerated this from a friend. You are no contact with your mother for very good reason, she hates your husband and she maliciously reported you to social services. She has not reached out at all to contact you either thankfully.

Has there been any inkling that your mother feels bad for her behaviour?

If not, I wouldn’t consider it.

Narcissists as well can make for being deplorably bad as grandparents figures. If she is too toxic/difficult for you to deal with it’s the same deal for your children as well.

Thanks. You are all right, sorry I can’t tag you individually.

I don’t want to speak to him about it because I know how much it would hurt him, actually it would destroy him. It’s probably because of the bereavement that I’ve been thinking about her more. It was an uncle who died, her db, I didn’t attend the wake or funeral in the off chance that I’d bump into her. My children have never met her, they’ve have never questioned why there is no or from that side of the family except my ds and her family. I suppose you don’t miss what you never had. My ds has said that my mother has asked about me often but she doesn’t engage in conversation with her about me.

My mum’s mum hated my dad and was still bitching about him bitterly in the year before she died, which was more than twenty years after my parents divorce, and my parents have a good friendship now.

She was awful to my beloved mum who as an only child with an over developed sense of guilt and obligation never felt able to make the break. My siblings and I and our dad always wished she had as seeing her endless attempts to push her own feelings aside and try to placate my grandmother to inevitably be so so hurt was always painful.

She wasn’t all bad, few people are, but she upset my mum and slagged off my dad and no child needs to be exposed to that. When she died the only real sadness anyone felt was that she hadn’t been nicer when she was alive. I know that sounds terrible but my mum grieved for the relationship she wished they’d had, and I grieved for the life my mum could have had if she’d found a way to free herself of the toxic dynamic they’d been stuck in for 60+ years. We gave her a dignified send off and the sense of relief I felt afterwards was unexpected and very sad but an inevitable result of her actions and the pain she’d caused the people I love.

Children need happy parents who are surrounded by people who love and support them. No grandparents are better than grandparents who bring conflict and tension.

It’s so difficult, you deserve a lovely mum and she’s let you down awfully.