I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not

[Inbetweenie]

dp was/is the love of my life. I couldn't have found someone I was more attracted to, the spark was there, it never went away and we had some amazing times together, probably the most fun I've ever had with any partner.

but he has a plethora of emotional issues and is not self aware at all. Even though we are both late 40s/early 50s, he behaves like a much younger person. Every little thing that he takes as a slight from me, he can't cope with. He's going through a really (genuinely) hard time at the moment in his personal life, one that any of us would struggle to cope with, and he's very fragile.

Because of that, I tip toed around an issue I probably should have been straight with him on. This was my mistake. Because he's so sensitive, he's realised there was something wrong with the situation painted and thinks I've screwed him over. I haven't but I can see why it would come across that way. I've tried to point out that it was a mistake on my part, he won't listen and has broken up with me.

I am devastated, utterly devastated but I don't think i can continue in a relationship like this any more despite the fact that we get on so well. I suspect in a few days he may come back though he might not this time.

I'm sat at my desk feeling as sick as a dog. I love him but I find the rollercoaster of emotions all the time too much.

It's very difficult dealing with someone who is going through a tough time. As you know, it makes them highly sensitive to everything, making it harder for the both of you.

I was going through a lot of mental health problems after giving birth and walked out on my partner. He took my words as gospel and never looked back. Had he given me time and understanding, we could've sorted things once my initial hurt and anger had settled.

My only advice would be to give him some space for a day or two for him to process things properly instead of him reacting in the moment.

thanks RLEOM. I am trying so hard to do that but it's so hurtful for me. This isn't the first time it's happened.

I'm so sorry that happened to you after giving birth when you were so vulnerable.

Your view has been really helpful as that's exactly what he does - he has a very big initial hurt reaction. And then he goes away and calms down. But I'm not sure I have the emotional capacity myself to deal with these ups and downs and it's making me wonder whether he really likes me enough if that makes sense.

I hope you are in a better place now.

He's going through a really (genuinely) hard time at the moment in his personal life, one that any of us would struggle to cope with, and he's very fragile.

If this is the case, please give him time and don't give up on him. Life throws us some real crap, you know? And who do we rely on to help us? Our partners. And rightly so!

If I said to you that I was going through a really tough time and my partner up and left me during my darkest hour, what would you think? That he's an a-hole and that I deserve better? Don't be the a-hole. Space, time and understanding is key. And who knows? One day you might be in a crap place and need him to support you

I'm OK, thank you. Its been 4 months since we split and no signs of him coming back. I'm in a great place mentally but still struggling to accept how someone who saw me as his future could give up on me when I was in a dark place.
Onwards and upwards!

well done you :)

I think the problem is that this has been going on ages, almost a year now. And I am patient and trying, I promise you, but the constant emotional trauma of him pushing me away is really tough and I worry that I will eventually go off him completely because I will just build up a wall to deal with the pain. And I'm also not sure if he will come back this time.

This is the 3rd time in a year it has happened - first time, it took a week for us to see each other again. Second time, even though he spoke to me regularly, we didn't actually see each other for a month. This time, I don't know how long it will take and the temptation is to say look sorry I just can't do this any longer.

I don't want to kick anyone when they are down and I do see a future with him. But at some point, I have to evaluate whether I can keep being hurt and still think that this is someone who wants a future with me.

Maybe it's time to Have a serious talk with him,then. I know you've said you see a future with him, but by the sounds of things you don't. All I can say is to go with your heart.

He sounds like seriously hard work, and it almost feels like an unhealthy/toxic cycle you're trapped in with him. You're making yourself too available to him, and too accommodating of his drama. Maybe it's time to end things for good. You sound like you're giving him too much power over your joint futures. You sound utterly fed up of this pattern. And who can blame you? You don't have to keep supporting him. Sounds like there's things he needs to work on by himself, so the kindest thing might be to say no more, and go your own separate ways.

I have sympathy if he's struggling with something in his life. However, three break ups in a year sounds to me like this is more serious and that perhaps you're not as compatible as you think you are? It's not true love if you're constantly worrying he'll break up with you if you make a small mistake.

yes I do feel like I am too available for him whereas I probably need to put my foot down. It completely feels like that.

He is suffering but I think he does this every time we get very close. Each time before it's happened, it's been at a time where I've felt things were going brilliantly. It's almost as though the minute things start going well, he gets complete cold feet and pushes me away in the hope that I come back and reassure him that things are ok. The problem is that I don't want this cycle any more. I feel sorry for him that he's in such a bad place that he does this but ultimately, I can't be responsible for his feelings and it's really starting to impact me and how I feel.

you are right, maybe we aren't as compatible. This makes me feel like he doesn't actually love me and maybe he doesn't.

Is he / can he get help for what he is going through?

If I said to you that I was going through a really tough time and my partner up and left me during my darkest hour, what would you think?

This isn't accurate though. He left her, not the other way round.

If you end a relationship, don't expect someone to come begging you. Some people have more pride than that...and it's also a lesson not to say what you don't mean.

If you want space, ask for space...if you end the relationship...that's it.

Not everyone has the ability to deal with a partner with MH issues either. Relationships are complicated and difficult without the extra stress of a partner who may suffer from mood swings and exhibit other hard to cope with behaviour.

OP...you say he had broken up with you 3 times already this year... I think you'll be relieved without walking on eggshells all the time. It sounds exhausting and not what I'd want in a relationship.

Sounds completely exhausting
Life's too short op

thanks - in a way I feel guilty for feeling relieved but I think this time, i can't come back in the same way I did before. I think this is going to keep on happening again and again.

I don't know if he's getting help. He's had MH problems but not for a long time - he did get help at the time. I think he feels what he's going through now is situational (which it is) and believes once what has happening has been resolved, he will feel better, it's just taking longer than it should.

Don't feel guilty about feeling relieved.

The repeated ending of a relationship is hard to deal with and as you say...every time it happens...you feel less interested.

I am still completely in awe of people who tell a partner to eff off and are soooooooo surprised when said partner actually effs off! Oh I was in a dark place...ffs.pfffff.

OP, could you explain a bit more? I realise the urge to be discrete so you don't put yourself or him, but it's so vague that I don't know whether or not he had a right to be annoyed!

In general though, if he actually dumped you, I'd stay dumped. Let him work to see you/talk/explain/apologise.

Take him at his word. It'll help you heal and it'd be the quickest way for him to realise his mistake (if you still want him to, by that point).

It might be situational, but there will ALWAYS be situations. People's loved ones fall ill/die, they lose jobs, they face illness, etc, etc. This situation ending doesn't mean that there won't be another one in the near future, and then what?!