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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Been "cut off": how should I respond.

19 replies

buggerthebotox · 02/05/2019 08:16

Looking for some advice from here as I know I can rely on you lot to be honest. .

Background: I have a cousin, 5 years older than me. We grew up alongside each other but have never been close. Our mothers were very close sisters.

My cousin (65 for context) has always had problems, put down to "bad nerves". He was medicated from a relatively young age, held down a job for a while, then left on mental health grounds aged about 25. He didn't leave home, learn to drive and has never had to lift a finger around the house as everything was done for him. He's always had support from neighbours, friends and family members, particularly my mother.

When my mother died, I tried to step into the breach to support both my cousin and auntie, who was 80 and showing signs of dementia. I got SS support for them both.

My cousin's SW was excellent. He also had carers and nurses, and had his meals delivered from the local cafe.

He inherited the family home and had money in his own right.

I've supported him now for around 10 years since his mother died. During that time I have never been offered as much as a cup of tea at his house. He has been taken advantage of financially by a local man and also threatened physically by him.
I feel that I have always offered good, solid advice, which he has ignored. He has the habit of leaving financial and highly personal information lying around and, although he is financially savvy in some ways, he seems to lack financial capability skills such as checking bank accounts and keeping secure etc.

A while back I suggested that I could take on POA to help him stay safe. He refused, which is fine by me and I haven't mentioned it since. He seems to be coping better now and has engaged a private psychiatrist. Obviously I'm glad he seems better.

A couple of days ago I received a letter from my cousin stating that he is cutting all contact with me. This is completely out of the blue and I'm somewhat taken aback.

I'm not quite sure how to respond, if at all.

What are your thoughts, o wise ones?

OP posts:

FiremanKing · 02/05/2019 08:21

It’s quite possible that someone has latched on to him with sinister intent and is isolating him from family in order to gain access to his finances.

Or the psychiatrist has told him he is capable of standing on his own to feet in order to bolster his confidence and your cousin has interpreted that as not needing your help anymore.

ShatnersWig · 02/05/2019 08:23

You've never been close but spent the last 10 years supporting him and he's never even offered you a cup of tea?

Sadly, I suspect his come totally under the spell of this other bloke and I suspect there is probably nothing you can do. You suggested a POA which he refused and he's engaged a psychiatrist. Whatever his reason for wanting to break contact - duress from this other bloke or not - I think you should respect this. Leave him be, don't respond.

Original poster

buggerthebotox · 02/05/2019 15:54

Thanks both. Appreciate your replies. I was thinking along the same lines myself - or he thinks that, in getting PoA, I would be able to get at his money myself!

I'm going to leave him alone. If he gets back to me seeking contact again I'm not really sure how I'll respond. I'm not inclined to want to remain in touch as things stand as I've found his attitude quite hurtful tbh.

OP posts:

FiremanKing · 02/05/2019 16:06

I think as well, you are also hurt on your mothers behalf as she did so much for him and his mother.

It’s very sad that you be your mother have only his best interests at heart but sadly you will have to accept his decision.

Hithere12 · 02/05/2019 16:13

Sorry but I don’t believe this. There are two sides to every story. People usually go NC for there own mental health. I’ve gone NC with someone abusive and my god if they wrote a mumsnet thread god only knows what they would write, how much they’d play the victim and would leave out everything wrong they’d done.

If they want to go NC look honestly at your own behaviour towards them.

CKWattisthemanager · 02/05/2019 16:21

Hithere12 Are you serious? He has mental health issues and is possibly being manipulated by another person. It's no stretch at all to imagine he sees the OP as the problem here, especially if he is being influenced by his 'friend'. The OP stands to gain bugger all but her freedom by accepting gratefully on bended knee the NC. WTF would she lie?
OP accept gratefully on bended knee that you have this person and his issues out of your life. Mentally say, "Oh OK then" and also "Yippee" and have a nice life.

Rabbiting0n · 02/05/2019 16:25

Do you often receive letters from your cousin? Was it hand-written or typed? I had a relative who was taken advantage of by a local man who did odd jobs for her. She was prayed on by everyone, as though there were a ring of criminals who all tipped each other off and sent folk to her door. She went from being financially very comfortable indeed, to having cheques for £30 bouncing. We went through her bank statements and she was being conned out of £3-4000 a month. She was so confused and vulnerable at times, but she never would have sent a letter to anyone who was supporting her. A phone call, very possibly, but if we'd received any type of written correspondence, we'd have assumed it didn't come from her or that she'd been manipulated and forced to write it. His your cousin's method of contact in keeping with his previous behaviour?

Could you make an appointment to speak to his psychiatrist and explain your situation and your concerns? They won't tell you anything about him, but I presume they can listen, and if the NC is their advice, then fine, but if it isn't and it rings alarm bells with them, they can raise it with your cousin at his next session?

CKWattisthemanager · 02/05/2019 16:27

OP we are NC with DH's kids. They cut us off. Hithere will say it's because we are The reason is because I loaned them a tonne of money and then had the temerity to ask for it back when they had borrowed it for twice as long as was agreed. I was told they would never pay it back and I took steps. They went NC with us and have tried unsucessfully to get other family members to follow suite. I am thankful I no longer have this bunch of freeloading wankers in my life. Being cut out isn't always bad is what I am trying to illustrate.

sherridan · 02/05/2019 16:33

If you think your cousin is being exploited, my advice is to contact social care and report your concerns. His behaviour is hurtful to you but it sounds like he is a vulnerable adult.

Hithere12 · 02/05/2019 16:35

Are you serious? He has mental health issues and is possibly being manipulated by another person

Do you not see a pattern on these NC threads? The person who has been cut off is never in the wrong, under any circumstances. Maybe he is being manipulated but his mental health issues don’t seem severe, as in he’s not psychotic, what exactly has he been diagnosed with?

Also my family member, when I cut them off went around telling people I was crazy and threatened to call social services on me. The first thing abusers do is say the person they’ve abused is mad, that is literally text book behaviour. I’m not saying OP is abusive but comments like “I’ve not had so much of a cup of tea offered!” I’m sorry but is this person mentally ill or not? Why would you berate someone who had serious mental problems over that? Surely you wouldn’t expect them to know to do these things?

blue55 · 02/05/2019 16:42

If he's still in the care of adult social services could you ask them to investigate if someone removed from the family could be manipulating him for financial gain?
Just say you're concerned at his recent behaviour has been out of the ordinary.

justforareply · 02/05/2019 16:48

I'd think about raising safeguarding concern with SS if this bloke is def known to have been threatening and poss financial

justforareply · 02/05/2019 16:48

Poss financially abusive.

Hedgehogblues · 02/05/2019 16:53

You don't have to be psychotic to have serious mental health issues. What the hell?

cockadoodledooooo · 02/05/2019 16:59

Is it definitely his writing. I smell a rat and would contact his social worker asking them to check all is ok with him and voice your concerns about the possibility that he is vulnerable.

Herewegoop · 02/05/2019 17:00

I agree with blue55.

Inform social services - tell them you are concerned he is being taken advantage of and is vulnerable. That's the most you can do.

It's possible that he has been advised by a professional that your help has not been beneficial to him. We do not have enough information to determine either way and only have your version of events.

Either way, you are only cousins. Despite the help your mother and you have provided, you are quite distant relations in legal terms. Inform Social Services then get on with your life. If he contacts you in the future, I would advise meeting with him and listening to him talk - see what he has to say to you, and hear his version events. Then take time to decide how much you want to get involved, if at all.

downcasteyes · 02/05/2019 17:04

Gosh, what a horrible and hurtful situation for you OP.

I think you need to raise this with the relevant safeguarding institutions (SS and his psychiatrist) and then I'm not sure how much more you can do. It is very hard to know what else you can do with someone who is clearly mentally unwell but yet still legally compos mentis. It sounds as though you have gone way beyond the call of duty already.

Original poster

buggerthebotox · 02/05/2019 17:08

Thanks all. He has mental health issues - unspecified. He is much, much better than he was. He's still medicated, but the psychiatrist has helped him loads. Of course I think he's vulnerable but he has had tests for capacity and they've come back as showing nothing out of the ordinary.

I have been nothing but supportive over the years, been in regular touch with his SW(s) and helped him in a practical way, as neighbours/ friends and family have also done over the years. Sadly most of those people are no longer around, so it's just me and him, pretty much (he has family on his father's side who I don't know and don't bother with him).

Social services are well aware of the other people who have been/ may still be influencing him.

I'm gobsmacked to think that anyone, even on an online forum, could think that I'm abusing him!

The cup of tea remark was simply an example of how I feel I am completely taken for granted by him. I am one of the very few people who have been unconditionally loyal to him and it hurts to be cut off in such an unexpected way, that's all.

I've never received anything written from him before - I think he wrote on this occasion because my phone was temporarily out of order and he couldnt speak to me straight away. He would expect an immediate response, didn't get one, and wrote instead.

OP posts:

Original poster

buggerthebotox · 02/05/2019 17:18

More replies! Thanks all.

I agree that contacting SS to advise them of the situation is probably the best thing I can do. As for the psychiatrist, my cousin sees him privately and I doubt he'd even agree to see me.

For now I think I'll leave things as they are with my cousin and if he feels he needs to get back in touch, I'm happy to listen.

OP posts:

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