*Trigger warning* Can you ever fully get past rape / abuse?

[SinkGirl]

I really should name change for this as I usually do when talking about this subject but fuck it - it’s not me who should be ashamed.

I’m in my mid 30s, married for nearly 10 years, two young children. I was sexually abused as a child by a relative, and then sexually assaulted and / or raped by three different partners as an adult.

Unsurprisingly this has affected me in a lot of ways and coupled with some health issues and medication, I’ve been without a sex drive for a large percentage of my marriage. But DH and I can communicate very well, and now it’s back we’ve talked a lot. I’ve been feeling so comfortable and happy and relaxed - I feel completely safe with him and things have been so good.

Tonight while waiting for him to come to bed I dozed off and was having a pleasant (!) dream, everything was great - my mind waited until I was completely happy and relaxed and then out of nowhere it threw the worst memories I have at me, one after another. In my dream my DH changed into other people who’ve hurt me a lot. It’s like the opposite of being triggered, my brain is such an arsehole that it waits until I’m really relaxed and vulnerable and then throws up the worst things it can. It has left me extremely shaken and now I’m crying and feel like I’ve taken a huge step back.

I’ve already had all the counselling, therapy, etc etc. I thought I was doing okay. Is this ever going to go away?

DH is asking what’s wrong and I can’t tell him this - he will think it’s a problem with him, that I think of him in the same way A’s those men. I really don’t.

Is there a light at the end of this tunnel? The thought of these fuckers out there living happy and unhindered lives while so much of my life is still affected by them 15 odd years later makes me so angry.

I'm sorry to hear this op. I found emdr very helpful. I very rarely think about it at all now.

What’s edmr sprouts

sinkgirl my relationship with my dcs Dad ended mainly because of the SA I suffered as a child. Exdp tried so hard but in the end I couldn’t get passed what happened to me. I wish I knew the answer

What a lovely partner you have. This is wonderful. And good on you for keeping lines of communication open and doing the work to heal yourself.

I often get this, too. When things are going well, my mind goes into overdrive on my negative traumatic experiences. But the way I see it, it's your experience trying to protect you against a new level of vulnerability and openness you have with your partner. It's like your brain going ALERT ALERT ALERT YOU ARE NOT SAFE. because you haven't been safe in the past. In a weird way it's trying to make you view him with suspicion so that you are protected from anything bad happening.

When this happens to me I use a technique I found from Liz Gilbert, although she used it In a different context. I say...

Thank you, fear, for trying to protect me. I know you've seen a lot in the past, but things are fine now. I'm here to make sure things are going to be okay. We're no longer vulnerable, and we've chosen to trust this person. Thank you for your input, but you can stop now.

It sounds a bit weird but it helps a lot. I've found with my traumas they don't really go away, but I get better at dealing with them. I've accepted that I can't 'coast' through my emotional life, iyswim. I have to actively give it a lot of TLC to keep me in a good place.

It's sometimes hard for me to remember that because i have gotten used to functioning without emotional TLC as I never had it growing up. But now I am integrating it as part of my way of being.

It's helping a lot.

From a fellow survivor who has been working on this shit for 9 years and still has bad days... But I've found although the moments are intense and painful, they're affecting my daily life choices less. They're less destructive, more contained. And though they hurt, they can't destroy me. They just convince me They can for a half hour every so often.

I suspect you're doing a lot better than you think you are

ETA: this is long, and some of it may be triggering for some of you.

Thank you so much everyone. I am so sorry you’ve experienced similar - this is something that’s never talked about, the way that everything can be going so well and then it just comes out of nowhere and tries to destroy everything.

I have considered EMDR in the past- maybe it’s time now to do this. To be honest (as awful as this sounds) I’ve had no libido at all for so long, and the abuse was an aggravating factor but not the cause (which I believe was hormonal rather than emotional, because when it comes back it’s liks a switch in my brain being turned back on). I knew that even completely ridding myself of that trauma (even if that were possible) wouldn’t make me want to have sex. Now I want to have sex it doesn’t stop me, but as I’ve seen this evening it creeps in anyway, even when I think I am safe.

My husband really is amazing and deserves every kind of medal for still being here. I don’t think I’ve been with another man who’d have put up with it, frankly.

Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been easy and he’s not perfect but we love each other so much and we’ve somehow held on through the hardest times. Not sure how. I’m trying to make it up to him now (because I want to rather than because I have to)! He’s always had a very high sex drive so it’s even more miraculous that we’ve survived.

When we got together we were already good friends. I told him about my childhood experience but I didn’t tell him about the rest until about 18 months ago after something bad happened. Because of the repeated nature of what happened (I had a lovely longterm boyfriend in my late teens and then after that ended I was with three abusers in a row) I really thought it was just the norm. One of them even continued trying to get more sex out of me for a year after I moved far away, he’d text me late at night - he had no idea what he’d done to me and I didn’t even have the courage to tell him to fuck off. Looking back I feel absolutely pathetic.

I honestly thought what I had to expect from any sexual relationship. I almost married the guy I was with just before DH - not because I was in love with him, but because he was non-threatening and didn’t seem too fussed about sex. I realised after we got engaged that this is not the basis for a marriage, but it took me time and counselling to figure out that was my motivation in the first place. I still feel awful about this nearly 15 years later. We are no longer in touch and I wish I could apologise to him - he was such a good guy.

My relationship with DH was pretty intense from the outset (we fell in love, we were very attracted to each other etc) and I know he worries that at times I’ve gone along with things sexually with him (especially early on) because I’ve been so used to having my boundaries ignored. Sadly he’s not wrong about that, but fortunately it didn’t happen often and now that I’ve told him everything he understands why I might react in certain ways, and knows to check in with me to make sure I’m really okay and comfortable. I find it very difficult to speak up in the moment if I’m not comfortable, and it can be something small and innocuous that sets me off, so we discuss things in advance and I’m finding ways to let him now that I’m not totally comfortable with something without having to say it. If he picks up on any discomfort from me he stops immediately - I can’t express enough how considerate he is, which makes the dream last night even worse.

There was a really bad situation that triggered me telling him everything. It was around the time of all the Me Too stuff coming out, and I was in a bad place mentally. We were having sex regularly at that point, and on this occasion I think my brain was sort of trying to play out some of the bad things I’ve experienced in a safe way - I sort of led things in a particular direction and in the moment it felt cathartic but immediately afterwards I knew it was a huge mistake. As soon as DH realised this he was absolutely horrified about how I felt and I know this has impacted his confidence with me since. It wasn’t his fault at all and I feel so guilty about it.

I know he would never want to make me feel like that, he would never be okay with pushing my boundaries or making me uncomfortable for his own benefit, ever - the fact that we’ve talked about this so much at length is why I finally feel I can relax and why right now I feel able to be very open to physical stuff without fear of being hurt. FFS, we’ve been together nearly 13 years, and much of that we’ve been unable to have a physical relationship at all and yet he hasn’t forced, guilted or otherwise coerced me into having sex when I don’t want it, ever (which I know should be the basic level of human decency in a relationship but I know from experience that it isn’t).

So I guess it makes sense that my brain has detected that I’ve let my guard down and thinks I should put it back up? I can see that’s logical. I will certainly try your advice namechanged - I am just feeling completely heartbroken by the dream if I’m honest. I’ve never felt afraid of him in real life, or like I couldn’t get him to stop - having him literally morph into those men in my brain is just awful, because I know it’s not him and he would never hurt or disregard me in that way. Not only does it cause me fear but it feels like an awful thing for my brain to do to him because I know he would never do those things to me.

I was already a bit upset last night - all day we were discussing having an early night, and he knew I was really looking forward to it, but once the kids were in bed he went back to work and then had work to do all evening. I felt like he was deliberately avoiding me because he didn’t want me, which I know is irrational based on everything else but it triggered some old feelings of doubt I guess. We’d been having quite frank discussions about how to get the most out of our evening so of course then my stupid brain made me panic I’d done or said something wrong and he wouldn’t want me any more.

Don’t get me wrong - if he didn’t want to have sex then that’s completely fine obviously! It just felt like he could have just said that to me much earlier when he knew it wasn’t going to happen, so I wasn’t sitting there feeling like an idiot and questioning myself. I suspect he probably didn’t want me to feel rejected at all and he was just knackered, but it had the opposite effect. It’s frustrating because we are so good at communicating but that can be difficult in the moment when things are emotionally fraught. We will definitely talk about that today and I know it will be okay.

He knows I had a bad dream and was asking me why and I was quite snappy and said I didn’t want to talk about it, which I feel bad about - but I really don’t want to tell him this, I think it will really hurt and worry him. I’ve barely slept as it has unsettled me so much.

I just wish I could move on from all this - I don’t want this to affect me any more, I don’t want this to keep impacting my wonderful marriage to my awesome husband. I am so angry and feel really defeated but I am not going to let them keep ruining my life.

Thanks so much for letting me get all this out - it is cathartic in itself. I’m deciding right now to give up the shame of what’s happened to me, and of being a shit wife who can’t make her husband happy (this is my fear, not his words!). It isn’t my fault, I haven’t done anything wrong, I didn’t ask for any of this. I want to be happy and finally I know I deserve to be happy and didn’t deserve to be hurt. I really thought I had moved past this but I’m not sure if I ever can. I am going to try though.

Thanks everyone. Sending unmumsnetty hugs to all who need them.

I wouldn't tell him the detail of the dream, no. Lots of self-care today and be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend.

You have done so well to get as far as you have op. I have a lot of empathy for you, it's been a struggle but you must be so strong as you are so insightful and trying your best.

I too would recommend EMDR as I have seen amazing results. I am an EMDR therapist and in response to your title, I would say that your past is never going to go away, but it doesn't have to control your life now. I have worked recently with someone who suffered childhood abuse and it even surprises me how, after EMDR, the memories don't tend to come back randomly and intrusively and when they do come back they are blurry and less emotionally impacting. Worth a try anyway.

Thank you so much. I feel so emotional and overwhelmed right now, my insides are shaking. I hate this so much.

I’m going to look into EMDR today - for myself but also for my DH who honestly deserves better than this. I feel so bad for everything I’ve put him through even though I know it’s not my fault that I’m like this. I just regret not realising sooner how much of an impact this is having on me. I’m hoping that something like EMDR plus the wholly positive physical relationship we are able to have right now will be really healing given some time.

Thank you so much for your support everyone. I am starting to feel like I can tackle this. Part of me wants to send him the link to this thread so I don’t have to explain myself, but I’m not sure this level of honesty is the best idea!

after EMDR, the memories don't tend to come back randomly and intrusively and when they do come back they are blurry and less emotionally impacting

This is another struggle for me because my memories of my childhood abuse are already hazy at best, and unfortunately the same goes for all the childhood memories around it. There’s basically a black hole in my memory and if there weren’t photos from that time I don’t think I’d remember anything from the ages of about 9-12.

So for the most part I forget that it’s there with just the occasional reminder and physical reaction to seemingly innocuous things. If my DH has been drinking (very rare these days) the smell of it while sleeping causes nightmares. If he cuddles up to me from behind while I’m half asleep, I have to choke down panic for a few seconds before I remember where I am and who he is. I am 36 but sometimes feel like a scared 10 year old again and I hate it. And then sometimes my brain throws memories at me I have never remembered before and I honestly don’t know if they’re real or imagined. I believe the abuse started much earlier than I remember because of other small things I do remember, but I can’t trust my own brain. It’s not a nice feeling is it?

Just wanted to update this - I talked to DH last night and told him all about the dream. He seemed worried that he had done something wrong when I wouldn’t tell him what was going on. He didn’t push it but I felt it would be better. He was absolutely wonderful I’m about - I’m so lucky to have him.

I’ve looked up EMDR locally and sent out some emails - I’m now in the angry phase of the cycle, I bet these men never think about me, and yet they are still taking up room in my head and my marriage. It’s not on FFS. I don’t want to do this any more, it’s so tedious feeling so anxious all the time.

You can do this! You sound so strong and in a good place op.

Thank you. I actually feel strong, for the first time in a long time - which I think is why this upset me so much and is now making me so angry. Before these men were like giants in my head, particularly my father (ironic as he was about 5’2”), they took up so much space compared to other people that I actually cared about and trusted and I am not doing it any more. In reality they are tiny, meaningless people and I need my subconscious brain to grasp that. If I need some treatment for that then fine, it’s an investment in my mental health for sure.

Thank you everyone