Any way if identifying a liar?

[ewyuckmen]

I know the answer really.

Just feeling really frustrated.
I have chosen, probably stupidly, to try and believe DH is telling the truth though I don’t really suppose he is.

I know he put a search out on adultwork.
He didn’t login, just searched as far as I can see.
Looked at 3 profiles.

He says he thought a relative was doing it and was trying to find her on there.

No real hand gesturing or crazy eyes or nervous behaviour, no getting aggressive or defensive, no crying.
Just calmly sticking to the story, trying to reassure me that theirs only me, he loves me etc.

He went quite odd yesterday, glazed and quiet and looking like he was trying hard not to cry when I said I wouldn’t leave or change anything I just wanted to know the truth, he could tell me and I wouldn’t go nuts.
But still stuck to the story. I’m not sure if he perhaps wanted to confess but felt he couldn’t go through with it and tell me?

Then cried a bit and asked if I wanted him to stay at his mums for a bit, feels terrible for being so stupid, I don’t deserve the stress I’m being put under, how could he be so stupid etc.

He’s offered to give up his phone, get trackers etc to make me feel secure but then he’s also admitted to watching porn weekly on private browsing mode which makes me feel like he’s savvy and simply forgot to switch to private on this occasion and that he maybe would just use a different phone or his laptop or find some other way?
This is the same man who swore to me he never watched porn (which I knew was not true) and has a low sex drive!

I’ve told him I’m going to get a sti check, still he sticks to the story, says I should get one if it will make me feel better.

My head is fucked.

What are the chances he’s telling the truth?
I don’t want to believe that at best he was thinking about seeing an escort.

I have no advice- but I can tell you that I have an Adult work profile for exactly the same reason: I was looking for a young and vulnerable relative.

I'm sorry if this is real but also am quite concerned that Adultwork is being mentioned many times a week in very similar posts and wonder if it's some kind of fucked up marketing for the site?

Which relative? Why did he need to find her?

Sounds like BS to me, especially as he’s already lied to you about the porn.

I can’t speak for anyone else but 100% real from me.

I put a thread out just a few days ago but I got carried away and put some identifying things in there so name changed and got the thread deleted.

And yes exactly right about the porn!
That’s what makes me think it’s bull too.
He’s lied about that for years!
I used to joke that I knew he was watching porn really.
Turns out he probably was!

I think your intuition is telling you that he is lying.

FWIW I wouldn't believe his cover story about looking for a relative. He'd have told you about that himself. Is this the same chap who'd tried (ticked the boxes) to delete the history?

Yeah, I asked him why he didn’t do it on private and he said he didn’t think it would be an issue as easily explained but he’s also telling me that he can understand why I am reacting the way I am which is obviously completely contradictory.
I think he simply forgot to private browse. But he says not.

I think he tried to.
On my phone, if you click that little icon at the bottom right of two squares it shows a few pages overlapping of the websites you’ve been on.
But on his there was nothing there.
But click the middle icon at the bottom of the phone and there it is, all his search history.

Exactly, op. How did he explain away that he'd attempted to remove the search from history (just didn't do it on one browser!) if it was innocent then why the need.

Hi. I read your post and thought it reminds me of my ex. Continuous lies for 5 years. Found credit card statements in his car for adult works and had no idea
What it was until I confronted him. Even now I’m not sure, he told me he could pay for live sex acts where he told them what to do.????
He lied throughout and now looking back I knew deep down. Good luck cos it’s not easy

I think it was your post I read the other day- was Luci one of the girls?
Feel for you OP.
If he was genuinely searching for a vulnerable relative, why would he not have mentioned something like this to you? Surely he would have raised some concerns about said relative prior to this?

Yup.
I found all three of the profiles in the end.

Tbf, he has mentioned concerns before which is why part of me wants to believe

I don’t think I do though.
I’m just choosing to because the alternative is too painful.

He’s been quite avoidant this morning and a bit glazed again, he’s had a few weak attempts at putting me off a screen, saying no one has any symptoms of anything, there’s no need but if it puts my mind at rest.
Then he started pestering to get it done today.

Maybe it’s just me getting carried away with paranoia but I wonder if he’s itching to get the test results now to see if he’s going to be forced to confess or not.

I’m on hold with the clinic now.

What a waste of my time.

Cost me goodness knows how much on hold, I could go walk in, except I can’t because I have three kids in three different schools and no car, I can’t be waiting hours there, told the woman this, she tried to book me with an advisor not a screen as no symptoms.

I told her that I suspected my husband had been with prostitutes and probably gave me all sorts and I need a screen.

She asked if I could do Saturday.

I told her the bastard works weekends and I can’t take the kids, she didn’t listen at all and just repeated Saturday!

I can’t be bothered anymore.
Like I’ve just text H, you got to die of something, if I go of AIDS or syphilis at least then I’ll know then it was a lie after all.

So fed up.

Don't give up OP.

You'll get through this. Phone clinic again and book an appointment, even if it is a few weeks away. The results from that might force your DH to speak.

What's the problem with him watching porn if it's legal adult stuff? I wouldn't have a problem with videos. I probably wouldn't like the live stuff but if he's not on video, it's not like it's sexting or FaceTime. But I don't really know how anything but Pornhub work.

@BonnyBarbara The problem is that he lied about what he was doing, and said he didn't watch porn and had a low sex drive - until OP found out he did use porn. And now OP has caught him looking up prostitutes and he says it is because he is worried about a relative being one, and so she doesn't know whether to believe him (because he is a liar).

OP, you know he's untrustworthy because he's got a track record. I totally understand your frustration with trying to get checked out, especially with the stress of all this on top. But please keep trying to get seen.

There are ways of telling if someone is lying, but the most reliable one is that they are not behaving in their usual way (unless they are brilliant actors). If something is telling you that things are 'off' then they probably are.

bonnybarbara I think I made it clear on the original thread but perhaps not this one hence the confusion re porn so i’ll clarify.

Personally, I have no problem whatsoever with porn. Absolutely none, as long as it’s not live webcams or anything like that.

I used to joke with him that I knew very well he watched porn, and I really didn’t mind (which I don’t) but he was adamant it was something he never watched, never wanked etc.
I knew it was bullshit but I wasn’t really bothered because wanking and porn doesn’t really bother me.

What does bother me and has upset me is that fact he has been using private browsing (so no evidence), I just think it’s quite deceitful and it makes me wonder what else he might have been viewing on private, in secret from me.

And he isn’t really behaving any differently.
Aside from the few moments where he’s gone odd, glazey and holding back tears but generally completely normal, no change.

I choose to believe the story.
I don’t think I’ll ever 100% be convinced though, there will always be that doubt there for sure.

Looking into it further I’m quite sickened actually by the lengths the world seems to have gone to to enable piss poor behaviour from men.

Adultwork and ukpunting both require username and password instead of email, obviously to make it nigh on impossible for suspicious women to find the slimeballs.
Only one thread can be viewed so women can’t travel through posts looking for the one that sounds their their partner.
Rape convictions less than 2% now.
I got a lot of peace initially from the fact the links in the screenshot I took appeared to show he didn’t login so I consoled myself thinking at least he doesn’t seem to have an account, just had a quick browse.

Then I notice the site has oh so helpfully, a note reminding men to check the URL, make sure it only says .com.
It just makes me absolutely sick.

Maybe he doesn't want you to see his browsing history because of what he is watching, and I don't mean it's necessarily bad.

Here 's an example, my other half is quite coy about what porn he is into which naturally made me a bit suspicious. Anyway I looked on his history - and I'd just like to make it clear it is the only time I have ever looked on his devices, I would never go through his messages - and all it was was lesbians and posh women. Of which I am neither.

To be fair I'm not sure I'd like him to see what I have looked at. I wouldn't want him to feel inferior to some oiled male stripper who has an elastic band around his cock.

He probably doesn’t.
Says he was embarrassed about the porn hence not telling me, which is probably true.

But it doesn’t change the fact that he’s still obviously tech savvy, going to the effort of hiding things away.
Nor does it change the fact he lied about having a low sex drive (he admitted to watching porn at least once a week!!) and it also doesn’t change the fact that I know he obviously did go on an escort site and search for local women on there.
Whether that was truthfully looking for the relative as he said or done as a fantasy or done with the intention of actually making a booking at a later date I don’t know.

My response is going to be clouded by my own heart-wrenching experience I'm afraid, but if I could do it all over again I would have left when I was where you are now; knowing the bare bones of the story, knowing he's lying, knowing in my gut that he's crossed a line that we couldn't come back form - even if he was denying it and I couldn't prove it, but not yet knowing the full extent of things. Because over time things did keep happening, I did keep looking, I did keep finding things, and all that information did was thoroughly fuck me up and shatter my heart into a thousand tiny pieces. I wish I'd just been brave, listened to my gut, put the blinkers on and worked on blind faith to do what I knew would happen in the end; that we would break up.

I also know there's no way in hell I would have done that, and very little chance that you will either. So keep your eyes open. Keep turning it over in your mind, identifying the inconsistencies (yeah, it was just this once he forgot to browse in private), analysing his responses, digging things up when you need to. Because the only thing I DID get from what I found out was the confidence to know that mine was 100% the right decision when I left, and I suppose that was worth the heartbreak in the end.

There's a difference between having sex and having a wank. Masturbating is selfish and lazy and requires minimal exertion and effort. You don't have to please another person, you don't have to be romantic or do foreplay and it is literally just about having a quick release.

Please don't worry yourself about the low sex drive and yet still masturbating thing. I think that is quite common.