In Laws... Dislike me?

[JYATES94]

It's a long one, I'm sorry, I don't really have anywhere to vent with this stuff.

My husband and I have been together 4 years now. I met his family in the beginning and I thought all was fine, a little awkward maybe but I think it can be at the start. It may be worth noting that his family are very wealthy.
Fastfoward to us being together a little while, we're looking to move in together. We both work full time, it's financially viable, etc. MIL wants BF (at the time) to buy on his own. Okay, she's allowed to be a little cautious as she has only met with me a handful of times, due to distance. I don't really think anything of it. We end up renting a lovely flat where I'm from on the south coast.
Further on, I fall pregnant. His family couldn't be anymore devastated for us. MIL and FIL ring my parents, without talking to me first, and bearing in mind they've only met my parents once, to say that I should get an abortion. I ring FIL once I learn this. I tell him something along the lines of; "We're not 16 and still at school, your son is 23 years old and we both work full-time. We will be fine and this baby is not unwelcome." He immediately interjects and says "but (MIL) has a dining set waiting for when (DH) buys his house. How is he going to afford it now." Then ensues a few months of awkwardness, between myself and husband's family.
I am 7 months pregnant, and my husband and I decide to get married. It was a low budget social club wedding, but I feel we did up really nice and put in huge amounts of effort and detail that outweighed the financial side of things anyway. Husband's family couldn't have made it anymore apparent that it was below them. They made no effort to talk to any of my family, they kept to themselves the whole time and generally looked miserable as sin. His mum didn't even say I looked nice. I felt so uncomfortable because of them that on my own wedding day that I actually asked them if it was okay to marry into their family. At that point I was still desperate for their approval. They kind of laughed, and said yes.
My husband's sister, refused to wear her bridesmaid dress that I had bought, and didn't even tell me about it. She got my MIL to phone my husband to tell ME that she wouldn't wear it and apparently she was in tears because it was so ugly. Couldn't get money back on those dresses. No apology from them, but SIL did buy her own bridesmaid dress in the end.
Baby is born end of November. I had a long birth and ended up with an emergency C section. I was pretty rough. They demanded that we went up to theirs that Xmas (3 hour plus drive) so that the whole family could see the baby. My husband classically has no balls when it comes to his family. Still wanting them to like me, we went up there with a 4 week old baby, when it was quite apparent I needed to be resting. My stitches came open on xmas day and we told them this, but we still had to be there otherwise "aunty so and so wont get to see the baby". My parents were furious.
2 years pass, lots of awkwardness in between, never feeling like their friend. Which is all I have ever wanted, and I have tried, countless times to make a connection with his mum and sister. But they just don't seem to interested. This includes a time when I spent 48 hours cooking and preparing xmas dinner and dessert from scratch, for them to straight up say they don't like it.
Baby number 2 is born. C section again near Xmas. I put my foot down this time and said we were staying put. They then proceed to bring their 3 dogs to our house with our brand new baby in it. I made them leave the dogs in our (secure) garden.
Presently, I just feel so hurt over and over again. My MIL and SIL have family friends that they've known for years, who have daughters my own age that my husband has grown up with. MIL is always posting selfies and check-ins with them on facebook but she didn't even announce the births of either of her two grandchildren. And there is never anything about me on her profile, yet she makes a song and dance about meeting up with these girls. I can't help but feel that she thinks that her son was supposed to marry one of her wealthy family friend's daughters, not someone working class like me. My husband's family has never made any effort with me, and I obviously love my husband dearly and want desperately to friends with them for him. It's making me so unhappy. I've thought about approaching the subject with them but they are the most insincere people I have ever met. I just feel like they are waiting for our divorce. My husband says he'll say something if I want but I don't know if that will go down well. Please help

Why do you want to be friends with these horrible people. Let your DH see them if he wants but for your own sanity go NC. They don't deserve you or your childrens respect as they don't respect you. You can't change them you have the love of your own family.
Remember you can't be friends with everyone. Deffinetly not them.

Stop vying for their approval. Your DH dosnt need to say anything. Jist live you life and ignore. You don't need to go no contact but jist be polite when you do see them

Like the Frozen song "let it go". Really, stop now!

Live your life, give them no attention, put your energy and enthusiasm towards positive family goals. Delete or mute them on FB.

My in laws hated me for most of my marriage. They were all nicely nice when I first met ex husband, I think because they wanted him to move out of their house. They are kind of weird they have 2 DS & 1DD who is the youngest, I get the feeling that ex MIL only wanted a daughter & kept going until she got one. Everything revolves round their daughter, they think the sun shines out of her bum, despite her getting pregnant at 17, they have built her second husband in to some kind of demi God. Within 2 years of us getting married we had DS & MIL wanted to be number 1 granny, she interfered in everything, I caught her feeding DS eggs when we had been told to wait until we introduced them to his diet, we came back from a hospital appointment where she had looked after DS to him asleep on his changing mat in a pool of sweat instead of putting him in either his carry cot or his bouncy chair. On DS second Christmas we were totally skint & had to reduce the number of family we bought presents for & we didn't buy presents for BIL step children, they were grown up, plus in laws wanted to come round on Christmas day morning, this was the first Christmas I had cooked a Christmas dinner for my parents, in laws always came round by 9.00am, I wanted time to get the dinner started & have time to watch DS open his presents, I asked them to not come round until 11.00am. On Christmas day BIL kicked off that we hadn't bought presents for his step daughters, then MIL showed off that I had told her what time to come round, called me a bitch & told me that I would never be part of their family, my husband hadn't the balls to even tell her to shut up. Our marriage ended when DS was 6, she wouldn't have her son back at home & ordered him "Don't you dare leave that house" I had to move out of the house that I owned, he had never contributed to, she didn't care that DS & I were homeless. During the divorce she tried everything to get custody of DS to go to my ex husband, she told his solicitor I was a useless mother, that I was mentally unstable ( I suffer from depression) she wouldn't allow my parents to collect mine & DS belongings & toys, they eventually had to meet in a supermarket car park to get DS toys, I didn't get my clothes & belongings until he eventually moved out of the house months later, my clothes were damp & mouldy from being thrown in the shed. I don't lose any sleep over it now, I live round the corner from ex in laws, we pass in the street & never speak, DS doesn't see them through his own choice now, he is 15 & made his own mind up.

TBH you sound to hold the moral high ground here which is so good.
You have made every effort to placate the worries of the IL’s. Their behaviour, particularly at the wedding, shows they certainly have no class. I would have struggled to try and go along with their actions at family Christmas. I cannot get over how insensitive they have been.
I’m sure some posters will say cut contact altogether but, if you possibly can, by continuing with your gracious attitude I can only hope they begin to see that their DS chose wisely. Be warned this may take 20+ years!
Please do not let them put a wedge between you and your DH.
I’m not sure I could be as calm as you seem. All credit to you.

It’s time for you to be happy .. let DH visit etc .. you stay home or visit your folks .. don’t indulge them worry about them .. if you do meet up be polite ..
If you can get DH to back you up you would win the war .. until then you will have to choose your battles and hope he steps up and has your back🌷he may have offered to say something but thats just lip service .. he should have said quite a few things and he should still say even more with offering to do it for you but because he loves you and will not accept them ill treating & disrespecting you. This should have been done already instead of him being mute 🙈

They sound like truly awful people. You've been polite enough. Your husband should have given them the "hairdryer" bollocking years ago. Let him say something. Their behaviour is ugly and toxic. Good luck

You've tried, they haven't and won't until they want something from you.

Concentrate on your family, your DH and DC's these people are not relevant. if DH wants to see them he can, if you want to go too, you can but don't feel obligated and just stop trying its not appreciated.

They’re awful and don’t deserve your attention. Please stop making any effort at all. Your husband doesn’t need to make a belated speech but I think you need to agree in advance that he must stand up for you from now on. Don’t have them to stay in your house or at least don’t be afraid to enforce your own rules like no dogs. If it were me, unless your husband brings them up I would literally act like they don’t exist. Agree with the pp who suggested muting them on Facebook. In time they’ll take up less headspace. They don’t deserve it.

Jeez you need to stop begging for their approval, just get on with your life and stop focusing on it. Don't get your husband to say anything. You're a grown up, not a child, stop acting like thr unpopular kid trying to make friends. Focus on your husband and kids, your own life, and just interact with them as and when necessary,

Why does it matter? Surely your husband the one who should be upset, it is his parents.

Fuck them, seriously just think that. Put up with none of their crap and let your husband deal with his parents. They are nothing to do with you.

They might be wealthy but they have no class. House, marriage , 2 DCs ... when are they going to realise that your DH WANTS to be with you. But it would be nice if he could emphasis this to them and not put up with his wife being disrespected .
As for DSIS behaviour at wedding .What a badly behaved bitch! Probably jealous.
Like I said, no class. Money can't buy it..
Take the classy route and refuse to engage.

Please help

Sorry but no one can. You say you fell pregnant, as if it wasn't planned. From the type of people you are describing and their attitudes towards you, I'd say they have pegged you as a gold digger and not 'good enough' for their son. They likely wanted him to marry 'Barbara from the Smiths down the road' who go to the same golf club etc.

Every event you describe they will have a different way of looking at it, which will validate the way they view you.

I think you need to be polite when you meet but stop focusing on them liking / loving you. Things might change over time but for now you'll just cause yourself more stress trying to change them.

His mother's freezing out of you really began when she suggested to her son that he buys a house on his own.

Such people do not change. This is who they are and its not your fault they are like this, you did not make them that way. They had a set idea for their son re his life and marriage and you have never fitted their pre ordained image of the ideal woman i.e. someone like one of their daughters friends for their son. I would imagine too that your now MIL drives all this whilst her husband her takes a back seat and acts as her bystander and secondary enabler. Women like your H's mother always need a willing enabler to help them.

I feel that your now husband has let you down re his parents because of his long standing inertia. He has been both seemingly unwilling and certainly unable to deal with his parents at all, why?. He really should have spoken up for you long before now but he did not. His own fear, obligation and guilt re them (and I think he is far more afraid of them than he ever would be of you) is also something to do with not acting before now too.

Your H may still want to have a relationship of sorts with his parents but this does not follow that you have to do so. Your boundaries to date also have been far too low re his parents too and these need urgent revising upwards. Get yourself off social media and do not at all read any of their facebook pages. No more prostrating yourself to get their approval so no more cooking for them or anything for that matter. Seeking their approval as you did was a waste of time, it is not ever going to happen. All you can do with people like his parents is live well and do not involve them at all in your day to day lives. You do not have to interact with them at all.

Do read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward. Concentrate your efforts also now on people who are radiators, not drains and keep your inlaws well away from your children going forward too. They do not respect you as the mother of their grandchildren, nor for that matter do they respect their son or his choice of a wife.