It has taken me a long time to get to this place, but I fear that I want a divorce from my wife. It is a very long complicated story (as are a large number of divorces). My wife and I got together very young, at the age of 20/21 and got married about 5 years ago. We have two beautiful daughters, 11 and 3.
So our relationship was wonderful all the way up until about 3 years after the birth of our oldest. That is when something biochemistry started with my wife. She didn't have a regular menstrual cycle for a few years and we had a terrible sex life as her libido was at an all time low. She also developed sever depression and alcoholism during this timeframe. I drove her to the hospital on two occasions where she would have most likely died had I not. There are so many things during the 4-5 years of intense alcohol abuse. Me being emotionally abused and not being able to rely or trust in her. She drove with our oldest drunk a few times. She would routinely physically assault me and blame me for everything. I understand 100% things between two people never happen in a vacuum, however my wife has something deeper going on in her head. She is a self-sabotaging individual who thinks about herself first.
Eventually, we decided to stop having alcohol in the house and stopped going out. We buckled down and we got me through college. Then we decided that we should try to have another baby only to be passed around from one fertility clinic to another. She had 3 really devastating miscarriages. We stuck it out though and kept loving each other. At this point our sex life had made somewhat of a comeback and things seemed to be going the right way. It was right when we decided to give up and that we were happy with one kiddo. That is when we had our miracle bay, with no interventions. This was when everything seemed to be going the right way. We were both happy and she was going to go back to school as well. However, she quit school over and over again and moved from job to job. She began resenting me for getting through school and appearing as the "more successful" partner. This built up over time and I could feel it.
Fast forward to the past year.... I very close friend of mine returned into my life. He was actually the closest of all of my friends. Well, he began messaging her on Facebook which she made aware of. He started coming around the house more and you all know what happened. They started developing feelings for each other. Well at least that is what she thought. Turns out he was jealous of me too (which he told her when they finally hooked up). Our marriage started to take a turn for the worst because of these feelings she had for him and I had no idea. I would continuously ask what was going on but she would just hide it from me. We were even in counseling and she lied to me repeatedly. This all built up over the course of a few months. She finally came to me one day and said she wanted a divorce and needed to see other people to know out love was real. She kicked me out of the house and guess whose couch I was on? My ex-bestfriend. I confided everything in him and he used it against me. He began giving her advice on what to do and they began getting even closer. He even tapped her phone! Anyway, the next day she calls me while I was on his couch and told me about how she had feelings for a guy at a previous job about a year ago and that it made her question our marriage.
In the mean time I keep loosing my mind over her and my friend getting closer. I asked her to stop talking to him and she said okay. I was especially insecure because of what she told me about the "guy from work". I travel for work about 1 week a month, right? So the day I asked her to stop talking to him was a day when I was heading to Miami (a trip her and my girls were going to join me on later in the week). On the way to the airport I pleaded with her to stop talking to him because it was hurting my friendship with him. She said okay, but the next day she calls me crying saying she went on stargazing drive with him. Well, obviously I was upset and she apologized profusely and convinced me nothing happened, which I still believe. Fast forward to the weekend we return from miami and my buddy offers us a single ticket to a group my wife loves. LOL I trusted them and said she should go... how stupid! I said I wanted her to go so she could see my trust in her. Anyways, he purposely manipulates the situation and creates confusion about when they will get back. Of course I get enraged and my wife gets super mad and defensive about it. Fast foward 3 days and I am on his couch again because she kicked me out and he sneaks over to my house and has sex with her.
Later she confesses to cheating on me, but not with my friend, but with the "guy from work". I know this story is confusing and I am honestly not even painting it nearly as confusing and traumatizing as it really was.
Turns out my friend was a sociopath and just hated our perceived happiness. After he hooks up with he tells her he wants nothing to do with her ever again. Then my wife lied to me right? The only way I found out was after I told her I would forgive her about the workmate from a year ago. I checked her phone and saw a message from a buddy of hers who asked "Does he know it was Daniel?" Daniel = my ex buddy. I obviously lost my mind and kicked her out for once. Turns out he called her while we were in Miami and told her how he had been fascinating about her!
Okay so this is not the end of the story.... After all of what I explained to you, my wife was convinced if we just separated for a while and did our own things we would be back together after a month. I still wanted this and pleaded with her to think things through but she kept telling me it was over. She got on Tinder and hooked up with a guy within the first two weeks. She kept the month thing inside and blocked me from all modes of communication periodically. It was so confusing.... So for months we played this game. I got on Tinder and found an amazing woman who I still think about. When my wife saw this she freaked out and begged for months for me to come back. I finally did.
She said all the things a man in my situation would want to hear. She missed sex with me, she will make everything up to me, she hates herself for the pain she caused.... etc.
Now we are back together, but those same walls from before are right in our faces. She is so uptight all the time and I here, being patient, being the same supportive husband I have always been. I am still here and still feeling like she takes me for granted. She even says things like, "I am afraid you'll leave" or "I am afraid my crazy will push you away" I watch her mood go up and down and it is really stressful. I am just as excited about her sexually and emotionally as ever and yet I don't feel like she feels the same. She is so selfish so often. She pushes everyone who is good to her away. Now I can't help but feel like an idiot throwing away the girl I met during our separation. She would have done everything for me. I know that time would only tell, but she made me see a healthy functioning relationship for the first time.
Am I in the right thinking of a real divorce this time. I have always been so desperately in love with my wife, but now I am beginning to lose that feeling and very scared. We are still in counseling and things seem to get better only to get all fucked up again.
What do I do?
Trust me. I don't want to lose her. I come from a broken family and so want to keep ours whole. She is a great person. She just makes some big mistakes. When is it too much?
Thank you,
Cody