How do I get thicker skin?

[justanidiotagain]

Ive been trying OLD for a about 6 months. My divorce ruined my self esteem but tbh it wasn't amazing before that either.
I'd been talking to a guy for about 5 months on and off, he was always extremely complimentary about my body and looks and we did end up sending a few sexy txts during the course of this.
Then it went a bit quiet, he was matched to an acquaintance of mine on OLD and we realised it the was same guy ..no problem on my side o didn't think it'd go further with him and I, we told him we knew each other... he carried on talking to my friend and for a while me. He kindof backed away as did i. My friend doesn't fancy him that much but they talk generally on and off..she recently told me he'd said he didn't fancy me at all which I have to admit kindof hurt... not everyone will fancy me I know but then why was he sending me txt telling me I'm beautiful etc?
He also told her he has a gf and now I feel terrible for sending him photos and indulging in 'sexy chat.

I'm fully prepared to be told to get a life and that it's a non issue but this has kind of hurt me. I don't think I should be on OLD if I get upset by a little comment and I didn't know he had a gf so why do i feel so guilty?
How can i gain thicker skin and just not care? I'm sure he isn't the worst I will encounter on OLD

Anyone?

He’s a douchebag and your friend doesn’t sound much better!
Why on earth would she say that (if he ever actually said that to her) other than to hurt you?
Please look into ways of improving your self esteem and loving yourself note, I promise you it will make a huge difference to your interactions with people

She showed me the messages so he definitely said it. I just don't get him. Why be so nice to me and most of the time he was the one to initiate and he gave compliment after compliment.

I know I need to learn to love myself before I carry on further. Thank you lulubellablue

He is attracted to you but he's not going to tell your friend that in case he gets lucky with her. That will be his mentality.

Men are shit on OLD.

I strongly suggest however that you have more time without dating anyone. Get off OLD - you really dont sound ready at the moment. Do some stuff for you. Go have new experiences, meet new people, join a new hobby group. Have fun!!

Build your self esteem that way, learn to be comfortable with who you are and your own company.

Don't lower your standards for any man. Don't compromise at the beginning of a relationship. Ever. I only found my man (on OLD btw) after I did this. I stopped thinking I needed to gloss over the bad bits. I stopped tolerating shitty behaviour and comments.

The showering with compliments is love bombing. Starts off in the early stages, showering you with compliments to basically get you to have sex. He probably decided that you were too much like hard work (well done, that you weren't that easy!! ) so moved on to someone else.

I read "Why men love bitches" which is a really good book about you valuing your worth. I found it interesting reading.

i agree I need to take time out. I feel like I'm far too nice and trusting.
I will look up the book too.
I'm not bad looking nor am I a stunner, i am fit physically as I work out 4 times a week. But still I never think I'm good looking enough for anyone.
Some definite work needs doing

As pp, he said that because he was talking to your mate - he's not going to tell her "yeah I fancy justanidiotagain". He's bound to say "no no never was interested in her".

He will fancy you but he won’t say that to your friend as he’s after shagging her. He sounds like a bit of a tosser, especially if he has a girlfriend.

Your friend probably should’ve kept his thoughts to herself

I don't blame my friend for telling me as we were talking and I was saying how he seemed the nicest out if everyone id spoken to and so she told me. She had told him she wasn't interested in him while he had a gf and he asked if she knew anyone who'd be more open minded so she'd asked why it hadn't gone further with me and he responded with "well I didn't really fancy her"

By the way I wouldn't be 'open minded' about having sex with a man in a relationship so I don't know why she asked about me I think she just wondered why it hadn't gone further.

You don’t need thicker skin

You need better friends

He sounds a bit of a tosser OP, but your 'friend' seems to be enjoying the 'competition' between you. If she just wanted to let you know she thought he was a bit of a knob, she could have said that in vaguer terms. Showing you the message was uncalled for IMHO.

It was a little harsh to show me the actual message I agree and I could've done without it. But I was going on about how sweet he was when she was trying to say he wasn't but I didn't agree so she showed me to prove he was a nob.
I wish I had the ability to just not care

Why would you not want to care when someone has been unnecessarily vile to you and used you?

Of course it hurts, as it bloody well should. You don't have a thin skin, you have a normal skin. This would hurt anybody, anywhere.

What an absolute shit he is. Yuk yuk yuk.

First off do the freedom programme.

2nd do a little research on online dating about red flags

Look up love bombing

Think about what your values are and what you want
Think about how you want to be treated and what your deal breakers are.

Write out a list of things you won't tolerate while online dating.

I don't think you need thicker skin at all. This is a learning process to decide what your values are and to learn about online dating.

There are a lot of fakes and weirdos online.
This guy could have been anyone.

Is this guy attractive?

Talking to someone online for 5 months is a complete waste of time.
This guy said all these nice things to get some sexy photos from you for wanking fodder. If he has attractive photos posted, he probably does it a lot. He knows exactly what to say to get results.

If you match with someone, do a couple of facetime calls right away to actually see if they are who they say they are. If you're still interested, arrange to meet them for a coffee within a week.

Take things very slow. It will weed out the losers.

Research him to make sure he is not married, has a girlfriend, or has a criminal record.

Sad it has to be this way but there are far too many liars online and you have to vet them.

I thought the freedom programme was for abusive relationships? correct me I'm wrong I don't know much about it.

He is very attractive in my opinion. We talked for 5 months because I was working away for 3 months so couldn't meet but you are right it's best to video call straight up as I have had some fakes.

I feel like I have to be nice to the men I speak to otherwise they'll move on..that's bad isn't it? In doing that I'm ignoring res flags and giving them the benefit of the doubt. I used to be a strong no shit taking woman, what the hell has happened to me?

some very good advice thank you both

Why should you have to develop a thicker skin?

Sensitivity is a wondeful quality and what many people look for in a partner and/ or friend.

Maybe it's not you that at fault but the world of OLD?

When i was about 17, (back when everyone had to meet everyone irl) I lived in that bit of London that blurs into Essex. We teenage girls knew all the clubs deemed 'meat markets' to avoid like the plague because women and girls in those places were just seen as commodities to be rated used and disguarded by men.

It was a cultural phenomenon that now seems to have been imported wholesale into many OLD/ hookup sites. Which is why I've given up on them. I'd rather take my chances and meet someone naturally through a shared interest than subject myself to that kind of crap again.

I don't know why but I feel like asking him if he did fancy me or not.
My friend had replied to him that she didn't know what his type was so could not introduce him to anyone, he went onto say that if a girls hot then he'll fancy her which clearly means I'm not.
Like I said I'm definitely no stunner I'm aware of it but he clearly acted like he fancied me. I suppose it was the lovebombing to get what he wanted (photos). I mean I clearly obliged and I don't usually send that stuff! But I found him very attractive and thought what the hell..may as well.