Another messages from an old relationship thread

[sparrowsnestingeverywhere]

Name changed for this one as am worried my daughter is on her and may know my username.

DH is 66 and I am 60. Both on our second marriages. Still working and in very good health. Married 10 years. Everything has been good but recently I started to feel something wasn't quite right. He seemed a little distractive and slightly snappy at me - nothing major but he is usually so calm and laid back that I noticed.

I checked his facebook messages (I know, sign in itself something wrong) and found a whole discussion thread between himself and a friend who turned out it appeared to be an ex girlfriend from 25 years ago (before his marriage). I've never checked messages before and he leaves his iPad open.

Starts out simple chat then they start reminiscing. He has told her he is divorced, and that marriage was a mistake but hasn't mentioned me. We dont do many public facebook photos really so she might not know.

He was apologising to her for having treated her badly. Nothing wrong with him saying this to her. But then they start reminiscing about how amazing their relationship was. He says he's made a lot of mistakes in his life and didn't know why they broke up. It seems he went straight from this relationship with her to the woman he then married.

She tells him she still loves him and no one else has ever compared to him. He at least ignores this and talks about places they went. She sends him a load of photos to their trips and him and her together. He thanks her for the photos and says he treasures all their happy memories.

There's no real chance of anything happening physically. She lives in Australia. We are in the UK.

Would you do anything? General reminiscing thats gone too far? Is he having a general end of career not quite mid life crisis reflecting on his life? It's not like he can just upticks and move to Australia.

Or something to worry about? I never even realised they'd had a relationship - thought they were just friends. It feels intimate and that he wishes he had stayed with her. She is clearly still besotted and single. I would feel guilty sending these messages to an ex partner - although I also wouldn't have those feelings for them or express them if I did.

What would you do?

I wouldn't be happy.

I might deal with it by posting lots of photos on social media to make it obvious and make sure she's seeing them somehow. See if it cools off.

How on earth can this be simply reminiscing? There's so much wrong here that I would hit the roof and would have it out with him. Why has he failed to mention you when you have been married for 10 years? He is very flattered by the attention and interested in her, otherwise why fail to mention you?

And as for being snappish with you, I'd tell him the game's up, I know he's been talking to other women, and I won't put up with being disrespected.

I'm torn. The reminiscing I can deal with. Everyone likes a rose tinted walk down memory lane. It's just the worry whether this is regret at not having a life with her.

Typo in first message - this was 35 years ago. They were young (ish) and childless etc

Might be a bit immature but i would post pics of us together and captions like 'lovely husband taking us out on dinner, bought me chocolates, made me my favourite dinner, our 10th wedding anniversary etc etc' depending on the picture and make sure you tag his Facebook name so people from his friend list will be able to see it.

Even if she is miles away emotional affairs can develop. I wouldn't be happy, especially when he didn't bother mentioning you. It's foolish of them to dwell on the past and what might have happened. Especially, when chances are that everyday life and kids (if they had decided to have any) would have cooled down the romance! I think both have rose tinted glasses on and need to snap out of it.

He told her he's divored. He hasn't mentioned you at all. That means he wants to appear single to this woman. How do you feel about that op? That's your biggest problem right there.

Sparrows, do not underreact here.

He is actually pretending to be single to this woman who still loves him. In my world, that is a betrayal.

This is headed into Emotional Affair territory. It sounds like intimacy is reigniting and developing. He basically said that the break up of their “amazing” relationship was one of his life mistakes.

I would confront him immediately. If my husband denied my existence like this, I would show him the door.

.

He’s airbrushed you out of the conversation for a reason. And it’s not impossible that she’d return to the UK for a man she loves, especially if it’s her country of origin.

I think you need to take control of this rather than wait and pray that it fizzles out, because it might not. And even if it does, he appears to be amenable to an emotional affair for whatever reason, so he could have one with someone else.

Add yourself to the conversation and introduce yourself as his wife 🤷🏻‍♀️

My humble opinion ..

but seriously OP maybe confront him or you could reminisce about your younger days & see if he brings her up

How are you @sparrowsnestingeverywhere?

How long have they been FB friends ? Have they just got back in touch ?

I suspect this is a bit of vanity and flattery going on here . Men are so stupid . He is flattered by this and has chosen not to mention his second marriage which is obviously very wrong ! He "treasures " their memories though - doesn't sound like a mad romantic passion to me but sheer stupidity and vanity on his part . If she is a friend of his, does he have his friends on view ? If so then she could see yours and as someone has already said post some photos of the two of you and add a " married to " on your profile . Continue to observe .

Would add though - I know of 2 marriages which broke up in exactly this way but neither worked out with the "old partner" .

Your alternative is to open up come conversation about her and see how he reacts .Ask him a few questions and see how he answers .

He's lying by omission and being disloyal as well.
Tis no good

Ditto the lying by omission and airbrushing you out.

I'd not be happy, especially when combined with the recent snappiness.

My cousin could have written this.
Ex gf from 35 years ago.
Married with 3 kids and lived thousand of miles away.
Her dp ended up in a emotional
Affair and nearly wrecked his marriage.

Ex gf left her dh with hopes of moving over ti uk

All rubbish and cousins' dp realised it meant nothing.

Put your foot down.

Thank you everyone.

I did the photos thing. He must have things set to give permission to allow in timeline as they're not coming up on his wall. I need to casually ask him to add them

I'm just waiting for her to comment on a post of his then I can ask him about her. Thinking about it shes been on his friend list for years but he's never mentioned a relationship.

She maybe be in Australia but if she's single there's no reason she can't come over to the uk for a holiday.

Nip this in the bud.

Talk to him - gently.