Controlling

[Crowne]

In brief, I split up with my wife 3 years ago, one child 5 years old. I have been with my girlfriend for 12 months, everything is brilliant apart from one thing.

My girlfriend does not like the amount of contact I have with my ex-wife. 99% of the contact is about our child, the other is idle chit chat. We do message each other most days, normally just to see if child is ok. I have tried to cut this down.

There is no chance of us getting back together.

This is the only thing we argue about but it keeps cropping up.

For example we went away for a long weekend but just before we went she sent me a message basically reminding me that she didn't like me talking to my ex-wife and didn't want that to happen whilst we were away.

She even took issue that my ex shouldn't even answer the phone when I wanted to talk to our child, that the child should answer and just talk to me.

I want to remain friends with my ex-wife as I think it is of great benefit to bringing up our child.

Girlfriend doesn't like that as she is very different with her ex.

I feel a little like girlfriend is trying to control what I do. When I say this it then gets into an argument.

I am trying to understand it from her point of view as well, but in my eyes I'm not doing anything wrong but I also don't want to upset my girlfriend.

Your thoughts and advice would be welcome

I'm probably the wrong person to ask, as I don't have any objection with my partner having lots of contact with his ex. In fact I respect how civil they have stayed, it makes such a difference for the kids.

But be aware that many people on here will question your motives, tell you to cut contact to the bare minimum etc.

If your girlfriend doesn't like it, she's free to choose to walk away.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your ex which is important. Don't jeopardise that for a new girlfriend, she seems unnecessarily jealous.

Whose decision was it to separate? Does your girlfriend know your ex? Have they met and had a proper chat? It's possible that her issue is with your ex, rather than you. She might not trust your ex, and think you're oblivious to signs that she may want to rekindle things.

Messaging every day sounds a bit much to me. I wouldn't like it unless I'd got to know the mother of my partner's child, and felt that I entirely understood the dynamics of the ongoing relationship. She needs to be supportive of your co-parenting, but in order to do that, she needs to feel secure in her own relationship with you. Have you tried to address this, or just discussed her issue with the messages?

My DP has a fairly positive relationship with the mother of his 5 year old and that's exactly how it should be! I think your current partner needs to make peace with the situation and try to control her jealously. Ultimately you and your ex are being good parents by keeping communication lines open. I suppose a compromise is doing what you've said about not communicating everyday possibly, but ultimately you care about your child and want to know how they are doing! Your current partner needs to accept that your ex will be a part of your lives for a very long time to come.
My partners child recently was in hospital for a week and it meant my partner and his ex being in the hospital together for that length of time too. I trust my partner completely and know that he's just being a good dad. How would your partner react if God forbid you were in a similar position? Your partner sounds really insecure and is projecting this on to you. I think it may be that you need to have a good chat with her and be upfront about the fact that you are going to have to keep communicating with her. It's her decision whether she can cope with that. Wishing you lots of luck.

Is your ex in a relationship?

How often do you see your child?

Every day seems excessive. Does your ex contact you every day when DC is with you?

I don’t think there is anything wrong with your girlfriend wanting to be with a partner who is not in contact with an ex. I also don’t think it’s wrong for you to want to be friends with an ex. The issue here is a clash of boundaries. Given a child is involved I don’t think there is going to be much room for compromise here. I think this is probably the wrong relationship for both of you. I would tell her this situation isn’t going to change and she has to accept it and never talk about it/complain when you make contact with your ex, or walk away from the relationship.
I would then say if she carries on as she has been, the onus is on you to walk away.