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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Worried about adult son.

23 replies

Nosunnofun · 01/05/2019 12:23

Name changed for this because i am asking for advice/help for my son and wouldn't like people who know him irl to realize it's him, though I know that it's unlikely. My son is in his 20s and lives at home. He is easy going, kind, funny, gets on with his younger siblings who are still in school, generally great to have around. This might be long but want to fill in the background. He never talks about issues, laughs them off, but he has been overweight for years and is becoming imo, morbidly obese. He is very bright but lacks motivation and we discovered in his teens that he is dyslexic, he didn't get much support in school and we were given wrong information and poor advice about subject choices and college. He was bullied in school about his learning difficulties and about being slightly overweight but i only discovered recently that it went on for years and was relentless. This resulted in low self esteem and a bit of social anxiety. He scraped into college but dropped out after a year, did a few courses that led nowhere, but finally got a decent job a couple of years ago and is doing well. He has lost touch with his school friends and spends all his free time in bed playing games online. He also eats junk food in bed. He has no friends, has never had a girlfriend, no social life, no life really. He eats with the family, normal, reasonably healthy meals. He doesn't drink, has never taken drugs, it's his junk eating that is causing the weight gain. He mentioned the bullying in conversation recently and I was shocked at some of the stuff he told me. I asked him would he consider counselling, he agreed that he has low self esteem and body issues, but it was a flat no. My brother died recently and it has hit me hard, I feel that my son is wasting his life. I know he is a grown man and it's his life, but I would be grateful to hear from anyone with a similar experience or any advice. Tia.

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 01/05/2019 12:29

Does he want to lose weight? Is he motivated for that? That is a start if so but advice really depends (IMO) on how far he has got in terms of this.

cakeandchampagne · 01/05/2019 12:33

Has he been to a doctor recently?

Nosunnofun · 01/05/2019 12:38

I can't remember the last time he went to a doctor, he is rarely sick. He would like to lose weight, every now and again he will cut down but it doesn't last. He is talking about getting a treadmill so I am encouraging him with this. It's the eating though, it has got out of hand.

OP posts:
Bringbackthestripes · 01/05/2019 13:03

Does he buy the junk food himself, just helping himself from the cupboards or order food delivery?

Nosunnofun · 01/05/2019 13:18

He stops off at the shop after work and buys it, not every day, but a lot. We do have biscuits and crisps in the house, occasionally a cake, he would eat a 'normal' amount of those, maybe a biscuit or two after dinner. He has a sweet tooth but he also sometimes gets up at night and makes himself hot dogs or toasted sandwiches. He takes a healthy lunch to work, but I don't know if he eats anything there, if I ask he says he does sometimes, the options aren't great, mostly sausage rolls, chips, that kind of thing.
He was a normal weight as a child, had plenty of friends and did lots of activities after school. All of my DC went through a chubby stage at around age 14/15 so I didn't worry when he put on weight in his teens, the girls all grew out of it, but he got bigger as he got older.

OP posts:
QueenBeex · 01/05/2019 13:22

He works, doesn't drink, has never taken drugs, I would say you're lucky lol. I would also say that junk food is his thing. Some people smoke, some people gamble, his thing is junk food and unless he actually wants to do something about it there's nothing you can possibly do. He's an adult and you can't physically monitor what goes in his mouth. Not much you can do tbh it's got to be him wanting to change for himself

StarryUnicorn · 01/05/2019 16:01

Most of my 20's and 30's were lost in a vacant haze of doing nothing except existing, I recognise this now as avoidant behaviour due to bullying at school. Food is still my crutch, but I have managed to lose weight before, and after slipping for a while am back on track.

He has flat refused therapy? You should try and have that conversation again, it is helping me but I ended up in some dark places before I managed to work out that was what I needed.

StarryUnicorn · 01/05/2019 16:15

Just to add, I was resistant to the idea of therapy because I felt like nothing all that bad had really happened to me, and my low self esteem told me that I simply wasn't important enough or deserving of somebody's time (or my own time, really).

I think I could have been talked into it, if my mum had made it clear how much I was making her sad, I would have gone for her sake if not my own. Sad

cakeandchampagne · 01/05/2019 21:27

He’s a good person, so it seems you might be able to get him to try some counseling for you (like StarryUnicorn said) or even with you.

Treacletoots · 01/05/2019 21:36

This sounds like my brother OP. Except he is now late 40s, has had diabetes for many years due to his over eating and could lose a leg due to complications.

I don't know what the answer is, because he wouldn't ever listen but your son sounds a lot more considered. Try and get through to him before any of this happens, you've still got the time.

Nosunnofun · 01/05/2019 22:40

Thanks all, even writing it down has made me feel a bit better. My sil is morbidly obese so he sees firsthand how much it impacts her life. She has problems with her spine and has to use a stick even though she is barely 50. Mil has worried herself sick over her for years, but it hasn't changed the situation one jot. I know he has to do it himself, but he is such a nice young man, he is tall, nice looking, works hard, but I know deep down he thinks he is worthless and it just breaks my heart. Thanks so much for the replies.

OP posts:
Scott72 · 01/05/2019 23:15

You buy a treadmill then you wind up never using it. Better off going for walks around the block. But most of weight loss is down to diet. He needs to cut out the comfort eating between meals, but this will be hard.

FuriousVexation · 01/05/2019 23:48

It sounds like he has Binge Eating Disorder. If he has a BMI of 50 or over, or 45 with co-morbidities (e.g. diabetes) he would be considered eligible in most NHS trusts for weight loss surgery, after jumping through a few hoops.

Sosayi · 02/05/2019 00:25

I’ve had a similar problem with my son. I’ve sent you a pm hope you don’t mind

springydaff · 02/05/2019 00:39

I find it so sad when drastic surgery is suggested to address what is essentially an addiction that can be treated eg through 12 step.
eg Overeaters Anonymous. He'd meet his people there.

Scott72 · 02/05/2019 04:37

binge eating? Not necessarily, maybe just "regular" overeating. That's up to him and whatever MH people he sees to work out.

Tidy2018 · 02/05/2019 05:52

He sounds like a lovely guy who is a bit depressed, and stuck in a cycle of overesting and increasing RL isolation.

The trouble with this kind of eating is that gaining a pound a month sounds like nothing until he's done it for a decade.

His GP can refer him to the Mental Health team. They have online cbt programs specifically for young men who often don't think of themselves as depressed and don't like the idea of therapy or counselling.

I think there is also an online game that they can be referred to by MH. They all have similar MH issues which they din't need to talk about but they feel safe to open up when they want to.

If he is gaming, he may well feel happy in those relationships with other gamers who can't see him. It's probably his safe place. For him, it is his social life.

Tidy2018 · 02/05/2019 06:34

I would also suggest OA. The online program in particular often suits men who like a very structured approach.

Personally, I loathe the idea of weight-loss surgery for any young person. Please don't think of it. A small number of OA members go down that route, but the vast majority of successes are abkut changing habits and spiritual growth.

Jiggles101 · 02/05/2019 07:01

My colleague is on the bariatric panel, they don't often approve surgery if someone has ongoing and unaddressed psychological difficulties. It's not just a question of 'jumping through hoops'.

Should be an absolute last resort too, not a substitute for lifestyle changes.

KittyWindbag · 02/05/2019 07:31

I feel for you and for him deeply. A lot of this resonates with me. Sounds like food is his comfort stop, common in those of us who have been bullied or criticized for our weight. The trouble is you get into such a cycle with these things and in your early 20s you still feel things so keenly, your self esteem is still wafer-thin. He’s built himself a comfortable world but it’s a small world that limits him from getting out there and taking life with both hands. You’re also worried about his physical health.

Food needs to stop being seen or treated as a reward or comfort. This is the hardest thing to get to grips with and I really agree that overeaters anonymous is a good idea. It’s an addiction and has destructive behaviours that need to be addressed in the mind.

I really hope he gets a breakthrough. It’s so, so hard. I’m only really getting mine now I’m in my 30s. But it’s working.

KittyWindbag · 02/05/2019 07:35

God the damage done to us by bullies... I got mine when I was very very little, only 6-7. There was some more usual teenage nonsense when I was older but that horrid period so early on has with me my whole life and really shaped, or warped the way I have seen myself. I was bullied for being fat when I was not at all fat then became fat because food started to become this guilty thing for me so I’d eat in secret! I’m not saying the same is true for your son but I just feel so sorry for him because I know it takes years to unravel that and sounds like his bullying went on far far longer. Fuck bullies.

Nosunnofun · 02/05/2019 09:49

Thanks so much for all the replies, and to the posters who pmed me, it really helps. he has built himself a comfortable world but it's a small world that limits him from getting out there and taking life with both hands that's exactly how I see the situation. If I talk to him he will say he is happy, he has a great life, he can buy whatever he wants as he has lots of savings, he enjoys gaming and eating. He makes jokes about being fat all the time, he doesn't present as depressed or unhappy. It's like he has put himself in a box, I am the anti social fat guy, so if anything comes up, a night out, a work trip away, anything, that's not for him. I am rambling at this stage, sorry. Anyway I am going to talk to him. I am going to put aside the social stuff, and just ask him if he wants to address his weight. If he says yes, I will suggest some of the ideas on here, gp, OA, seeing a dietician. One thing I am going to suggest is that as a starting point, he stops eating in bed, at least for a period of time, and see if that helps. He will be resistant but I am crossing everything that he will listen to me. Thanks again all, other people sharing their stories and offering advice has given me the strength to finally address this. Sending best wishes too to people in a similar boat.Flowers

OP posts:
TurnUPtheheat12 · 02/05/2019 09:55

I've purchased a decent treadmill & an exercise bike. I found it incredibly boring, being at home, although I did get fitter.

I much prefer to go for a long walk & take photos.
I also enjoy swimming
I cycled before I bought a car
Your DS really needs to find some exercise or sport that he enjoys & can make progress with
I've never had a personal trainer, but some of my friends have
Some gyms allow you to join for one month at a time (not a year)
It might be good if you could aim to do something together like the Colour Run, which is fun or another local charity sport event.
He needs to want to change

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