When I was 12/13 I had a ‘relationship’ with my best friend at the time. I think it’s left me with a lot of issues but I’m still far too embarrassed/ashamed about the whole thing to ever discuss it with anyone. Even writing this (with NC) makes me feel terrible.
Anna (not real name) and I met in our first year of secondary school. We did some clubs together and we quickly became part of the same close group of friends. I really worshipped her. I was so excited to have finally found friends that I had lots in common with and who were a bit more ‘alternative’ like me.
Some time towards the beginning of year 8 I started self harming. So did Anna. I can’t remember who did it first. We were part of the generation who first grew up with the internet and had parents who didn’t understand internet safety because they hadn’t ever really needed to. Safesearch and parental controls basically didn’t exist. We had pretty much unfiltered access to content about things like self harm and pornography. This has definitely had a huge effect on me as I have grown up and think it was the reason I started self harming. I would do it in secret. Anna on the other hand was more overt. At sleepovers she would demand that I gave her a razor or scissors because she ‘needed to cut’. She kept a diary and would let me read it. It was pages and pages which were either overtly sexual or talking about hurting herself. She claimed to be schizophrenic. As a 12/13 year old I was terrified for her, that she was having all these awful intrusive thoughts and voices in her head, and would not tell an adult.
There was another girl too, Emily. She had met Anna online (we met her in real life so she definitely was a teenage girl!) and was 2 or 3 years older than us. She had a lot of mental health issues herself. We had a secret message board and it was full of her posting self ha pictures and porn. Her and Anna had a very close relationship and I think she egged her on a lot.
Our relationship became physically intimate at some point in year 8. I have tried to frame this as harmless experimentation over and over again but I feel so dirty and ashamed when I think about it. It’s not an issue with my sexuality, I’ve had relationships with women since and been perfectly happy. It’s the intensity of the emotions and the fact that I was not capable of handling or understanding what was going on. Anna is a few weeks younger than me. I’ve always had it in my head that I am guilty of statutory rape because I was older, and because I turned 13 first which is the cut off for a more serious crime. I still feel like one day this will catch up with me.
But I still feel manipulated and pressured by her. She broke things off after about 6 months. She went around telling everyone at school that I did rape her. She told me that she had made up all of the mental health problems and that she was never suicidal, and never heard voices. I had been so consumed by helping her and I fell to pieces. She moved on and quickly threw herself into a (physical and on reflection, widely inappropriate) relationship with a 16 year old boy. It took months for me to rebuild any kind of friendships, my reputation as completely shattered, and I feel like part of me is still stuck in this horrible emotional place, over a decade later.
I don’t understand how all of this happened. Where were our parents? Why didn’t our teachers recognise that there were issues? I know I have to take some responsibility but we were children. I feel like we should have been protected from ourselves. I shouldn’t still feel so confused and hurt after all these years, should I? I feel so ashamed.