In love but too different?

[Aryaneedle]

I have been with my bf for 5 months. I have fallen for him, hard. He reciprocates. It has been brilliant. We share same interests in bands, politics, travel and photography and have done some amazing weekend trips. Only see each other then as I have dcs. He's very understanding about it and we both have our own lives.

The sex is really good too. We have a great connection. I've been happier than I've ever been really, as I had an severely abusive marriage 5 years that took me a long time to recover from.

BUT - whilst we may have common interests we are very different. He was in a relationship with a much older woman from 17 years old (she was 18 years older) and she seems to have moulded him into a very typical middle class, left leaning man. Almost bourgeoisie tbh. Their home was beautiful. They created a very stylish, nice life together for 14 years (thanks Instagram stalking) not sure why they really ended, he says they drifted apart but I have a gut feeling and a bit of social media detection and I think she cheated on him.

I'm not like her at all. I'm from a dirt poor background, was sexually abused as a child, I have 3dcs to two different dads, history of substance use and risky behaviour and a lot of previous sexual partners (and I mean a lot). I am northern and a bit common . We have such a different outlook on life. He is quite altruistic, sees the best in people and enjoys life and is very well spoken whereas I over think, can be prone to bitterness and I'm wary of people and swear a lot.

In terms of jobs we are pretty much even, I'm a social worker and he is in health. In education I'm more educated (just about to start a doctorate) he is doing an undergraduate. He is very active whereas I walk but I don't have time to be constantly doing different activities. He is 7 years younger than me. No DC's.

This morning I have woken up and thought 'What the hell am I doing?'. I feel like we are too different. These differences now feel okay but in time they are going to be a chasm aren't they? Has anyone got experience of being in a relationship with someone who is massively different? If you have, what happened? Any advice as I'm actually formulating a 'I think we should end' message in my head and it's making me

Thanks in advance.

If you are happy and in love then go for it. No matter the difference just go with the flow and see where it takes you. Life is way to short.

I would give this a chance. You have lots in common, seem to be compatible sexually and from what you describe he sounds like he has his own identity but is happy to be led/ guided a little bit by the women in his life which is probably no bad thing if you’re out of an abusive marriage (as long as he doesn’t stray into cocklodger territory).

In terms of your outlook on life it sounds like you would both benefit from rubbing off a little on the other (fnar fnar!)

I would talk to him about your reservations though, get it out in the open, see where he’s at.

It sounds like you're having a good time so enjoy it for what it is and stop over analysing it

I did bring it up at the weekend. His response was that we are different but he doesn’t think that’s a problem. And that when we are together we have an great time whatever we’re doing, and that he loves me and wants to be with me.

Which threw me because he seems so laid back and confident about it. I think I'm looking for things to go wrong because that is what happens in my life so I'm just trying to protect myself by precipitating it! Or shooting myself in the foot like the dick I am!

Honestly I think you are putting yourself down. You survived abuse. You are a mother. Have a professional career and qualified to highest level.
You sound down to earth and honest.
He's a lucky man.

It sounds as if you have far more in common than not and surely the best relationships are when you complement each other?

I was very different from DH. Education, family background, temperament - nearly everything. This meant we had more good qualities together than we had apart. For instance I am good one to one, he was good in groups. Together we had all the bases covered.

Don't overthink it. Enjoy what sounds like a very happy relationship.

I agree with everyone else, nothing about this sounds startlingly different (you may not see yourself as a middle-class leftie, but surely this is a fairly common thing to be in social work circles!)

Your background is your past, as is your youth and all your experiences. To have had those, and to have come through to have lovely children and a good career drawing on those experiences is impressive.

The only difference I see that might throw up issues later on is children- does he want his own? Would you want more?

Otherwise, the dynamic of a slightly older woman (only a tiny bit!) suits him and as others have said, you sound pretty impressive and perhaps just need to relax that he really likes you.

Thank you to the last three posters. You've made me cry. Probably the nicest words I've read. I think I need to believe them.

you should be so proud of what you've achieved with everything you've dealt with...I think he is one very lucky man to have you in his life x x

He clearly loves you for who you are. Carry on being you. You are obviously perfect for him.

Another thing OP.. educated, successful but grounded working class men are very hard to come by. If you’re looking for someone who is your equal you’re probably not going to find it as your attributes are so wonderful and unique.

I say this as a northern, working class, educated-to-masters-level, former social worker. I’ve dated all across the social spectrum trying to find someone a bit like me and it wasn’t easy. Ultimately it’s the connection that counts..

You are self sabotaging and over thinking. Stop. You’ve got a great bloke who adores you. Enjoy it! You’re about to do a PhD. That’s a huge achievement so stop putting yourself down. I’m married to somebody from a massively different background to me. How boring to restrict yourself to somebody with the same background! I have a catholic irish friend who married an Australian Christian. Super different. I’ve got lots of examples of that. You’ve got chemistry and have a laugh together. That’s enough.

He sounds great, you sound great. Take it for what it is and enjoy your relationship.

You are right. I know you are right. I'll try to enjoy it.

I guess by saying are we too different, what I'm actually saying is 'Am I good enough for him?'.

I think he'd be upset if I suggested that I'm not good enough so I need to be kinder to myself. Thanks all

I guess by saying are we too different, what I'm actually saying is 'Am I good enough for him?'.

You're a very impressive woman. Don't undervalue yourself. I'd bet he feels lucky to have you. Love is precious.

Hmm ... I have nothing to say about whether you’re too different or not - but your impression of your boyfriend’s bourgeoise, middle class insta-ready lifestyle seems rather at odds with the stated facts that he is currently a health worker with no academic qualifications above A’ Levels. Unless there are other facts you’ve left out, it might seem that his previous lifestyle was dependent on his former partner’s income.

I don’t know what conclusions one might draw from that.

The differences that matter in relationships are values not background
my DH and I are very different I came from working class background but decent area and got a middle class job in Health after university, DH's father family were upper middle class farmer types but his parents didn't encourage him he ended up in a bad area and sink school and his father died while he was a school, he is a very good carpenter ( works in heritage )
We share the same views on how to spend money generally ( savers vs spender rarely works well) we have the same outlook on bringing up our DD and the value of Education we are both Christians but I am a lot more involved than he is, we have slight differences in politics he would question authority and perceived ideas a lot more than me
I think because of where he was brought up he s a lot more cynical about the motives of local authorities the government and police and thinks there is a lot of corruption while I might be a bit more trusting
However we agree that most of what we are told is not always accurate but we don't have much time for myriads of conspiracy theories
The biggest difference that causes most problems is that he is a night owl and I'm a lark we never go to bed at the same time
naturally I would sleep from 10.30/ 11-6 but in order to sleep at 11 I need to relax from 9, he would sleep from 2am-10am or later
we were older when we met he has his thinking planning head on in the evening my brain refuses to engage after dinner

so any serious discussions need to be at lunch time or before dinner
A Tory is more likely to get on with a Labour supporter than someone who is completely apathetic about politics and thinks they are all the same

George there is some truth in that, she earned considerably more than him when working and got an inheritance but due to MH issues her income varied and it sounds like he was in a kind of caring role for a lot of their relationship.

I am definitely in no position for him to rely on my income even if he tried. I've got various student loans being paid off, my own home and 3dcs to fund. He is lucky job wise as he earns well and has moved up via merit and experience rather than qualifications. We are both very left leaning, (I'm more socialist than him probably due to my job) but he is DEFINITELY more middle class than me in his tastes (music, food, TV etc). Like everyone else said though, perhaps this complements each other as we have different outlooks and experiences. His ex's struggles with MH issues are the most traumatic thing that's happened to him and I think I've opened his eyes to a lot. He values my strength but I can't see why.