Recurring argument on my birthday

[FelicisWolf]

I've been with DH for the past 6 years, our second wedding anniversary is coming up in a couple of months. It's my birthday today. For the last two years my BF/DH has not bought me any kind of birthday gift at all - he said he was too busy as runs his own company and didn't have the time to buy anything.

For what it's worth he finishes work by 5pm most days, 8pm two days a week. He doesn't like buying things online as he thinks it's "too complicated" and gets me to to buy most things for him. He definitely had time to get me something, even a small thing, the past couple of years yet nothing. He took me out for dinner and I guess that was my 'present'. I'm not materialistic and don't expect roses and diamonds, however something might be nice?!

I hinted heavily about what he could get for me this year, thinking he just needs a bit of direction. He didn't get me what I'd asked for, but got me a sexy pair of underwear - great! I thanked him, wore it this evening, but the last couple of years of no present came up tonight and he acted like I was a massive ungrateful bitch. I was thankful for the underwear, told him how appreciative I was of getting a present, but that sparked discussion of the last couple of years where he hadn't got me anything at all (that he somehow denies ever happened!) "I would have got you something, you're lying". He's now not speaking to me and is acting like the lovely night we've had together has been ruined because of of what I've brought up.

Am I materialistic? Should I let it go?

It's pants he's forgotten the last couple of years, but why bring it up and start an argument when he's remembered? Also sexy underwear is a crap present, more for him than for you, but whatever.

Yeah I know, I feel shit that i brought up an argument that wasn't necessary - he just hasn't shown any kind of bashfulness that he's given me nothing the years that we were engaged/first married, surely that's when your spouse is supposed to care about you the most?! I fear this is setting a precedent of future birthdays/mothers days/christmases ("I ran out of time sorry/I didn't know what to get so I got nothing"), when I really make an effort for everything for him to get the most thoughtful presents I can. I guess it's the lack of thoughtfulness that gets me most - if he really knew me and thought about what I liked, it would be relatively easy to find something... he just doesn't bother

Ugh he sounds like my exH. First, does he often accuse you of lying to him? That’s a serious accusation to make to a loved one. Second, too complicated to shop online is pathetic (my ex said this too...had a PhD but nope, too complicated) as if he wanted to he would do it. Not having time is also a pathetic excuse, he has a year each year. Basically, he doesn’t WANT to get you anything. Maybe he considers a meal enough? Many couples do. Oh and last of all, ‘sexy’ underwear is not a present for you it’s for him. You can try talking calmly about how you feel, though I’d be livid at it all especially the accusation. It was one of the many unpleasant aspects of my exH, I’m so so pleased I found the strength to leave him; hope you have it better usually.

Get him to give you cash rather than him buying you something you don’t want. It’s that, undies or nothing.

Do you buy him a birthday gift? How would he feel if you forgot?

He sounds like a proper argumentative dick.

Does he ruin all special events or just ones that are important to you?

Buy him something useless to him that you want for his birthday...(either something for the house or an experience you want ie tickets to your fave band)

He's a tosser. As PP said, underwear is for him, not you. If he buys you an Iron like my Ex, run - before you're tempted to whack him around the head with it.

BTW - any Court in the land would probably be lenient.

Now you'll know better than to question him about his selfish behaviour because he'll ruin your birthday, call you a liar and stop speaking to you.

Know your place.

This is who he is! Not only is he a lazy sod but he’s a liar and a dick too. None of this is news to you, you’ve been enabling it for years, so why are you surprised?

The sulking is another tool in his arsehole arsenal that he employs so that next time you will STFU and be grateful for any crumbs he throws your way. God, he’s going to dine off his gift for years to come.

Stop treating his laziness and his dickish response to being called out on his laziness, as ‘the little thing that stops him being the perfect person’.

This is when prioritise someone who treats you like an option.

I honestly wonder WHY did you marry him?

His actions and attitude are telling you that as far as he's concerned you aren't worth his time.

Pretty sure I know what answer will be but how does he treat you the rest of the time? Does he listen to you? Is he interested in the things that matter to you? Does he pull his weight with housework etc?

Sounds like to him that today was a gift, he thought you would have liked it and is offended. My dh also in business was a bit unthoughtful on the present side but now makes a huge effort but more so because he’s less stressed and his mind isn’t as pre occupied with work. It’s crappy but I don’t think it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. Some men aren’t presenty people. My dad never expects anything for any occasion. You can just tell him a week before next years or Christmas that you expect one and you want one so make it happen and I’m sure he will!

Well if he’s insistent he got you a gift previous years, can he tell you what he got you last year for example?

Does he also not do gifts for other members of his family for example his mother? Does she get gifts from him for occasions?

I wouldn’t go all out for him either on his birthday.

Did he buy you birthday presents before you got married?

This is really sad. Don't put up with it OP.

Also definitely don't get him anything for his birthday this year. Tell him you were far too busy.

It's really shit
He doesn't seem to care about you very much.

Next year he won't buy you anything and he'll use this as an excuse.

Does he always turn things round on you in arguments? Does he often gaslight you?

What's the rest of your relationship like?

You started an argument.

How does he manage to run his own company if he's baffled by something as simple as online shopping?

Is he just like this about buying presents or are there other areas in which you are not compatible?

I really dislike buying presents, I think presents are materialistic and unnecessary and I can never find exactly the ‘right’ sort of gift. Equally my DH does quite like buying me presents but, and I know this sounds ungrateful, he never really gets it right and I am secretly appalled by the waste of money.

We have now agreed not to buy each other gifts and to either go out for a nice meal or buy something together.

But we have been able to reach this agreement respectfully and without argument .... it may be different for you?

That’s dreadful! I would be very upset.

He runs his own company but finds buying stuff online “too complicated”.

oh come on woman, wake up!!

What is he like at Christmas?

Do you buy his family their presents?

What is he like in other areas of the relationship because he doesn't sound at all caring?!

One more - does he like it when you are thoughtful on his birthday?

Not buying me a
Present wouldn’t really phase me if he finds it difficult to shop and has you buy things for him usually. I usually have my eye on something and would be happy to buy for myself from my hubby. However, I don’t put much value on presents like I know others do.
What I would find issue with is that he has accused you of lying and is now sulking 🙄