What is normal in a relationship.... why do I always feel like things are fine in the morning

[Sallymcallister]

sorry this is lengthy/ a bit all over the place Hi all. I have a slight difficulty where I argue with the DH, because apparently I'm so lazy, not working (I work 5 - 10 hours online while my child sleeps) and looking after a two year old doesn't make me 'not' lazy. Anyway. When things get out of hand, like tonight, I always intend to go away for a night to make him reconsider trying couples therapy. Things blew up previously and I had to leave for a night, he realised we might go for a while, so we had a session of counselling, but couldn't afford it so stopped. We have a little bit more money now, so I was going to get some advice from Fromm a local charity tomorrow about next steps.I always wake up the next day from an argument, and usually think, oh it's not so bad, I'd rather not make a fuss and I will try and be more understanding. Also as a Christian it is hard, because it's not as easy as just calling things off, it's about working through things, which I still think we can do. Oh and by saying things kicked off tonight, dh is a chef, the food he cooked I pulled a face at, I didn't even say anything just said, is this steak medium, or something. So he pulled the steak off my plate with his knife, threw it on our child's plate, then at some point gave it back to me. I gave a bit to my daughter and was saying what's your favourite thing and apparently I was intentionally trying to get her to say she didn't like it's which I wasn't. Anyway, then he was saying tell mummy she's a b*tch (I'm actively trying to get her away from any swearing) he lost it with shouting, swearing, smashing a plate,chucking stuff, denting a pan. After that I cleared up the kitchen, and now he is watching a film with sweets with our child, while I get her bath ready etc. And attempt to persuade her to do bedtime rather than watch films with dad at the time of the day...... So I suppose I am asking.... is it reasonable that I am always wondering what I should do, go away for a night, is this unfair etc. I am asking you guys because a. I always question myself b. I can't talk to anyone else, my family are sometimes unwell and last time it made my mother more unwell when we had a dispute. Any other Christians who struggle? I'm not very assertive, I sometimes rise to the critism or anger, but of course I wouldn't want to turn my child against him because I want her to have a healthy upbringing and life. I'm not going to break things because I don't desire to, and what would that solve??? Sorry this isn't lengthy. Sometimes you just have to off load!! And the charity is a women's charity, I just wanted to talk to them to get some wisdom.

Even Christians don't have to put up with abuse. Please leave this vile man.

I don’t see what being Christian has to do with this tbh. Being religious doesn’t mean you have to put up with aggressive behaviour from your spouse.
I certainly wouldn’t be putting myself out to stay with a man who swears and smashes plates in front of a child.
I hope you find someone to talk to at the charity who can help you see that you husband is treating you badly.

You’re a Christian who is in an abusive relationship.
There’s nothing godly about being treated like rubbish by the person who is meant to be you’re biggest support.
Even if you think you should stay and put up with it, think of the harm it’s doing your child.
I’m sorry, I soundLike I’m being rude to you but it’s really really shocking that you think this amount of abuse could be acceptable for either you or your child.
Maybe you should try thinking of it as what advice would you give a good friend imagine a woman you love sitting down to tell you the story what would you tell her, how would you advise her?
Please contact women’s aid, then will give you strategies.

You need to leave him for your child’s sake. She’s being so damaged by this. You owe it to her.

I am absolutely stunned that you would allow your child to live in such a violent household. What are you thinking? Please take urgent action, this is your baby girl! You can't let her grow up witnessing such vile abuse and criminality in her own home x

I appreciate I sound harsh but I mean it with love. You must wake up and rescue your little one from this. You are both in danger. He is dangerous, violent and a criminal.

Being a Christian does not mean you have to be a doormat. Jesus protected women and children from male aggression and violence. As a Christian myself I can tell you that I don't believe this is what He wants for you and your child. God is love. God is not anger and aggression and violence and fear and hatred.

Thanks everyone. I always question myself but this is the wake up call I need. It is hard to see the reality when you are in the situation because they talk you round. Thank you for taking the time to respond. Even if it is just for {redacted} sake I will get help tomorrow because I can't argue with that and I wish I'd done something sooner. edited by MNHQ identifying information

I am a Christian. I left my abusive husband. I knew I had to once I realised not only were my children seeing damaging patterns of behaviour, but they were also suffering because their mother was constantly worn down by it all. I haven't regretted it for a minute.

A book I found helpful when trying to work through it all in my mind was this one. It gives a different perspective to damaging messages about marriage and divorce that are unintentionally spread in churches by people who fortunately for them have no awareness of destructive relationships such as the one you are in.

I prayed throughout the separation process and felt such peace from God. I pray that you will find peace for you and your daughter too.

@Sallymcallister I really do wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do.
I just popped on here to say that as an adult now I can see that growing up in a household where you never knew how a parent ( my Mother who was unwell due to untreated mental health problems) was going to react to things isn't normal and has had a detrimental effect on me throughout my life. Whether you are Christian, Buddhist, Catholic or an Atheist, no one should have to stay with a partner who is as disrespectful and potentially dangerous as this. If not for you, think of your little one. Is it not better to have two parents who are happy apart than two parents who are trying to do the right thing by staying in an unhappy relationship and risking the emotional welbeing of those around them?
Again, I really do wish you all the very best of luck and I hope you find the help you're seeking. x

OP, here are a couple of websites that show how Christians are not called to tolerate abusive relationships:
luke173ministries.org/
"Luke 17:3 is the scripture often misquoted, usually by an abuser or his Silent Partners, when he tells you that the Bible says 'Forgive and Forget', or that you must forgive him because you are a Christian. However, Jesus is very specific when He tells us to rebuke the sinner, and if he repents, to forgive him. Have you rebuked your abuser, and has he or she repented?

The Bible tells us to forgive as God forgave us (Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13).God forgives us when we come to him, confess our sin, ask for forgiveness (apologize) and repent (turn from our sinful ways).( Ezekiel 33:10-19, Isaiah 55:6, Jeremiah 6:16 & 26:3, Luke 13:3 & 5, Acts 3:19). He does not forgive those who are 'stiff-necked', continue doing evil, or refuse to repent. The Lord does not expect more of us than he himself is willing to do! Do we imagine ourselves to be holier than God? God requires repentance, and so must we.

We hope to provide you with helpful Scripture, book reviews, and original articles on realizing when you're being abused, manipulated, or controlled, setting limits and boundaries, learning to say 'No' without feeling guilty, forgiveness, meaningful vs. meaningless apologies, understanding the abuser as well as other relatives who defend him, learning to let an abuser suffer the Natural Consequences of his behavior, improving your holidays, cutting ties with evil people, recovering from a lost relationship, and, most importantly, learning to rely on our real Father and his limitless love for you. "

Also graceformyheart.wordpress.com/