Would this annoy you, or is it me?

[Friday2019]

My relationship with my brother in-law is strained. I find him extremely cheeky, hes constantly using people for his own advantage and often crosses the line.

Today both my hubby and i have been in work, I was first to arrive home and found our garden furniture moved. The chair had been knocked over and had slight damage to the side.

When I mentioned it to my husband, that I think someones been in our garden and moved our garden chair. He said his brother phoned him to say he was in our garden and had brought his granddaughter to use our daughters climbing frame. Theres two parks on his door step, so I find it annoying that he comes and uses our garden when we are not here and then moves our furniture around when I've told him not to in the past. I wouldn't go rearranging anyone else's furniture, so I don't think it's acceptable that he does, especially as I've told him I like our garden furniture on our desking and not on our lawn in the past.

Am I being over sensitive or would you also be annoyed?

It's a bit precious to complain about moving garden furniture around, that's what it's for surely? That said, I'd bloody hate someone, anyone, using my garden in my absence.

But he's your dh's brother, so if he disagrees with you, you're at a bit of an impasse. His brother did tell him, so presumably if he'd had a problem with it, he'd have said so.

As an isolated incident, I think this is fine - the brother asked your husband, presumably received permission and slightly moved your garden furniture. He didn't rifle your fridge, leave rubbish all over the garden and argue with the neighbours or anything actually bad, right? If this was someone you liked, this wouldn't be a problem, I'm guessing.

But whenever people ask "judging just on this one incident, who is in the wrong? " there's always a huge backstory of borderline behaviour, snide remarks, underhand dealings, etc which means the op wants one concrete example to say "this is unequivocally wrong, therefore my partner finally needs to acknowledge the problem with their friend/ex/family member and stop telling me I'm being too sensitive". Is this the case?

TLDR: your bil isn't BU in this particular instance, but I'm betting he is U about loads of other stuff....

It would annoy me, but it's not unreasonable if he asked your husband first. What might be unreasonable, is your husband agreeing without discussing it with you, if he knew you would feel strongly about it?

I think, if you dislike someone and are easily annoyed by them, it's useful to look at each issue separately and question their intention. So, did your BiL use your garden and move your things to annoy you, or take advantage, or did he think it was a secure environment for his grandchild to play in?

My brother once house-sat for us whilst we were on holiday. We came back to find half of our decking sanded down, the other half unfinished. He'd thought he was doing us a favour but he hadn't asked first and it looked dreadful. As he hadn't intended to upset us, and realised that he had, he offered to come back and finish the second half of the sanding so that it was all one colour. If you called your BiL and told him that there was some slight damage to a piece of garden furniture, that you don't like your things being moved onto the lawn, and that you are uncomfortable with him being there without you, would he apologise and reassure you that he wouldn't do it again, or would he not care?

FineWords yes there's a huge background of events building up to this. Asking to borrow our vehicle, then bringing it back with half a tank of fuel gone and no offer of money. Putting things in our skip without asking us first. We sell eggs, he'd ask for 4 boxes a week delivered to his door. we told him the cost, but he would not pay. It got so bad my husband told him he couldn't have anymore. Then our eggs started disappearing from our barn. They asked me to book a holiday for them, we were supposed to go up together but last minute they couldn't make it so they asked me to pay the deposits and they would pay me back later that day. It took 5 months, despite myself and my husband asking them for the money before they eventually paid me back. I hired a car to put all our wedding table decorations in, the bridesmaid dresses etc. We left it down my father in-laws and was going to put all the wedding items in the following morning ready to drive to the cruise venue. They arranged to meet us at the local restaurant for breakfast and then we would go down form there to the father in laws to fill the car with our weddings items. We went as arranged to the restaurant and waited and waited for them. When they finally answered their mobiles they said they had gone straight to father in-laws. We got there and found that they had completely filled the car I had for our wedding things with their 5 cases and there was no room at all for our wedding items. This set a bad atmosphere for our wedding.

I guess take all this away and I wouldn't have an issue with him coming to use our garden but with all the history it's another story.

*RabbitingOn he would laugh and tell me to Fkoff. He started using our barn without asking and when he found out I wasn't happy about it and wanted his items out of there, he told my husband to tell me to F*koff.

The bil broke into your property uninvited. I would be fucking fuming.

And what did your dh do? He clearly relayed the fact his brother said fuck off back to you, which isn't particularly helpful.

It's no good you trying to police boundaries with the brother-in-law if your dh isn't on board with it/doesn't back you up.

**Category12 it certainly hasn't helped. It has put a strain on our marriage, and I'm not sure I want to stay in it any longer if he supports his brothers bad behaviour. I'm so disappointed in my husband because I found out his last partner apparently blamed his family for them breaking up too. I baffled that my husband allows them to drive his family apart.

What does he say about it?

It seems like he plays you off against each other - ie. he says to BIL "Friday's really pissed off about you using our barn, can you take your stuff out to shut her up?" and BIL laughs and says "tell her to fuck off!" Or is it not like that at all?

Does he want to create boundaries with his brother? If he let this sort of thing drive a wedge in his previous relationship, I don't give much for your chances.

Category12** I think you are probably right and that most likely was how the conversation went.

But I was thinking it's the BIL playing me and my husband off against each other. And my husband not having the balls to set boundaries. But are you thinking it's my husband playing me off against the BIL?

Well, for some reason it's a dynamic he's comfortable with. It's what he knows.

As you say, he might just be afraid to set boundaries with family and you're a convenient buffer, so he hides behind you being "the awkward one". Or it might be that he doesn't have or want the same boundaries as you do, and he just pays lip-service to yours.

If he was trying to be diplomatic or if he wanted you and his family to get along, he probably would be less prone to repeating BIL's provocative remarks. I mean people are daft sometimes and blurt stuff out, but given that family dynamics broke up his previous relationship, you'd have thought he'd have learnt something?