How do I get over him?

[Quandary2018]

Exh left me in April 2017, he’d moved out the year previous but we were still together and working on our marriage or so I thought- he was also working on his mental health and needed a break from family life to focus on himself which I supported at the time.
April 2017 he announces we are over and he is seeing someone else. I am floored, heartbroken, never felt so devastated in my life. He is wholly unsympathetic and starts treating me appallingly- verbally abusing me in front of our kids, attacking me at every opportunity, complete personality transplant which just leaves me even more hurt and confused.
August 2017 he physically assaulted me in front of the kids after he was late picking them up and early dropping them off and I told him it simply wasn’t good enough. He thought the fact he could only see his girlfriend at weekends was a good enough reason to not see our kids other than when it suited him- he didn’t want regular contact which I thought was unfair on the kids who at the time were 9 and 3.
I reported the assault to the police. He was arrested but CPS wouldn’t charge him as he denied doing it, said i must have inflicted all my injuries on myself and, because there were no other adult witnesses, there apparently wasn’t enough conclusive evidence to charge him.
Social services became involved and said he was to have no contact until a court order was in place. He applied to contact with the court in September 2017 and it’s still ongoing.
He had accused me of neglect, of being a drug addict and an alcoholic. He has made up false claims of physical abuse from me on him. He hasn’t complied with the court order and has put in minimal effort with the kids.
The judge on our case has said he finds exh callous and uncaring yet is pushing for contact to resume with the kids.
My son, who is now 11, told me on Sunday that he thinks I should hate his dad because of all he’s done to me. But I don’t, I don’t want him back, but I do care about him and I would like to not anymore.
How do I stop? How do I move on when he is still contacting me on an almost daily basis and all this court stuff is ongoing?
I’m embarrassed to tell people I’m divorced, still feel incredibly sad about that but it’s been over a year since my decree absolut came through and I don’t want to feel this way any longer

Why is he still contacting you directly so often? You would find it helpful to reduce contact considerably.

How is he contacting you daily? Is he texting you? Could you block his number, and only unblock it when he has contact with the children, in case of emergencies?

You are divorced, lots of people are, its nothing to be embarrassed about these days. Dont let him mess you about with contact - dont make changes to accommodate him at the last minute. Stick to the very letter of the court order, always stress that you are doing this for the welfare of the children, etc.

Agree no need for daily contact so dont allow him to do that.

Its not the loss of HIM you feel sad about - he assaulted you after all in front of your DCs - something they will always remember about their dad - its the grieving for loss of the marriage and future you envisaged in better times.

Maybe you're still grieving the end of the actual relationship and not actually missing him as such? As time goes on hopefully youll become stronger and those feelings will fade.

Took so long writing my post that I've just read LOZZERS and see that it's similar. If you have friends in rl discuss it with them too. He sounds a nasty piece of work. Don't waste yr energy being upset over a fairy tale that doesnt exist ( for anyone that is) use that energy for your dcs. Sending you

Hes emailing me. I had to get a new SIM card for his weekly phone calls with the kids because he was kicking off about me blocking/unblocking his number so he could call them and CAFCASS said it looked like I was purposely antagonising him- I wasn’t, I just didn’t want to leave his number unblocked and myself open to unwanted contact.
So now he emails about ridiculous little things but each email contains a small dig, a snide comment, subtle abuse which to everyone else probably is no big deal but to me, it’s relentless.
I’ve been told I have to keep one avenue of contact open because of the kids so I just have to put up with it.
The court order is for indirect contact with the kids but he shows up at our son’s football matches every week, has done ever since the court order came into effect- he stands and stares at me the whole time, he isn’t watching the match: he’s been told not to, that he’s breaking the order but he doesn’t care and he because he’s just standing there, no one will do anything

I think I am grieving, I could see what our future was going to be and he then ripped it away, changed (or revealed his true self) and has left me to pick up the pieces alone.

I have no family nearby and only a handful of friends but I don’t see them very often as not easy to get out, can’t afford a babysitter so I’m pretty isolated. That’s probably contributing to how I feel overall too.
I simply want to not feel anything towards him anymore, it’s been a couple of years now but I still feel like I’m at square one

You could look at the emails only once a week, perhaps with a friend to read them first and delete any non relevant? Unless he were with the dc, none of it is so urgent you need to read it every day.

Can you ever get yourself in a frame of mind where you could look for the digs and play a sort of "twats abusive bingo!" with it?

If he's breaking the order, can you not involve the police? I know it's sub optimal for them to haul him away at your child's football match, but they might be able to intervene more discreetly.

I’ve tried the police but they won’t, it’s a loophole, he’s not contacting the kids, he’s just standing there so it apparently doesn’t count even though they admit his presence must be intimidating and worrying to me.

Some days I can look at his messages and think thank god im not with him anymore but I have this overwhelming sadness and emptiness all the other days and I’m fed up of feeling this way