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Original poster

Dating as a single mum

15 replies

Dilydollydaydream · 30/04/2019 17:39

I'm a single mum to a teenager and 8 year old, their dad now lives in New Zealand and contact is sporadic.

I met a nice man two months ago who has a five year old son, conceived from a fling. He is involved in his life and a devoted dad. A relationship of three years broke down last year and he says now that he won't introduce anyone to his son now for several years incase it goes wrong. I have my children here all the time and am torn. Do I continue with the same rule for my children which means that I have to get babysitters and can't have him round here for the evening for a long way ahead? Or do I let him come into contact with my kids, knowing that I can't meet his son? A relationship without him at least coming over when my kids are here would get very difficult as I am already struggling for childcare.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dilydollydaydream · 30/04/2019 18:17

Bump

OP posts:
Dinks66 · 30/04/2019 18:58

I think maybe that he's currently being over cautious in light of his relationship breakdown. I think that you, as a Mum, have to do what you think is best for your children. You'll know when the time is right to introduce them.

Original poster
Dilydollydaydream · 30/04/2019 19:00

It just feels one sided to make him more of a part of my family when he's keeping me away from his son. I have met his mates. But if I don't introduce my kids, I can't have him here which makes life so difficult.

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UnicornDust9 · 30/04/2019 19:04

Have you explained this to him ? If so what’s his answers or solution ?

RuffleCrow · 30/04/2019 19:06

Well, it's making me think a bit of Gilmore Girls where Luke won't let Lorelei be a part of April's life in case it ends, whereas he's been a substitute dad for Rory for years. That always seemed weirdly asymmetrical but then again he didn't have much choice. Not much wisdom to offer, sorry.

Original poster
Dilydollydaydream · 30/04/2019 19:13

He says it's up to me, that he's happy to be involved with my kids by coming here if I want but that I can't meet his son unless it got to the point of marriage/living together. I don't see how we would get to that point if our lives are kept separate and as I'm 42, I don't want to waste time.

OP posts:
Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 30/04/2019 20:24

Several years is silly. How can he expect a serious relationship with you if that's the case?

Shoobopbop · 30/04/2019 20:42

Several years is too long really but I wouldn’t want to be introducing anyone to my kids after 2 months either. Maybe don’t worry about it for now and see where you both are after at least 6 months?

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 30/04/2019 20:47

I'd speak to him. If it becomes apparent that he won't budge on the issue I wouldn't want to risk wasting my time with him. I also wouldn't be allowing him to meet my child if I wasn't allowed to meet his. Because that gives off the impression that him and his child are more important than your's and gives him the upper hand.

rvby · 30/04/2019 20:53

I'm 42, I don't want to waste time.

I dont understand, are you wanting to have kids with him? In what way would it waste time?

I would be fine with this. Let him eventually meet your girls, and let it unfold. Maybe a while after that, things will naturally fall into place.

I didnt introduce my dp to my DC until well over a year in. It was fine. We always said we would never live together... and then things moved along and we ended up combining households. Things unfold.

If they dont work out, is it really a "waste"?

NameChangeNugget · 30/04/2019 22:08

Tread with caution. After only 2 months, you would be bonkers to introduce him to DC.
I think you have to be really certain before introducing children and I actually admire his stance here

Graphista · 30/04/2019 22:23

You've only been dating 2 months! Far too early to decide anything to be honest certainly far too early to be introducing anybody's kids to anyone.

What's your rush?

Ellisandra · 30/04/2019 22:27

A teenager can babysit and 8yo, and you can go to boyfriend’s house when his son is with his mother. Problem solved.

Original poster
Dilydollydaydream · 30/04/2019 23:26

I wouldn’t want to rush and him meet my kids yet but I feel the comments about waiting until the verge of living together would prevent things ever getting to that point if that makes sense. I don’t want children with him but I’ve had my time wasted before by men who weren’t ready for a relationship “just yet” and I don’t want to be treated as casual. It makes life so difficult when I can’t invite him over for a film and takeaway and spend time together at mine. I always go to his if we aren’t going out.

My 8 year old has epilepsy (well controlled) but I wouldn’t feel safe leaving him with my teenager in case anything happened so I always have to either ask my mum who lives an hour away or pay for an experienced nanny friend to babysit.

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Original poster
Dilydollydaydream · 01/05/2019 15:29

I probably need another talk with him.

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