Never been in relationship longer than 4 years - what is wrong with me?

[ArriettyCArriettyC]

I am feeling very sorry for myself. I am 48, and am in the process of being broken up with by a man who I love very much. I know it's me who's messed it up. With insecurity, moodiness, lack of trust. I've never been in a relationship longer than 4 years. Am googling BPD .... what is wrong with me?

I'm the same as you (and about the same age). Four years was my longest and that was only with one (and I should have left him a lot sooner!). A year seems to be my average!

I had a bad upbringing, MH issues, I don't think I really valued myself for a long time. I also had this terrible thing about wanting to "save" people. So I ended up with losers who I thought I could love into being better people! I can also recognise in myself that I am a bit of a "drama addict". Nice, safe, relationships felt dull to me.

I feel like I have learnt all these lessons way too late. It's that old "if I knew then what I know now". Honestly, at this point I have given up. I actually said to someone the other day that I had tried at relationships for 30 years and it's got me nowhere so time to call it quits! It makes me a bit sad but I can't go through any more pain.

I really feel for you, because I know exactly how you feel. The only advice I can give you is to treat yourself well. Be kind to yourself. You may have flaws, but we all do. None of us is perfect, nor should we be. I can see I put too much pressure on myself to try and make certain relationships work when they were actually the wrong relationship to be in. Learn to value who you are, flaws and all, and you will feel a lot stronger in yourself. I feel I have waffled a lot but I hope some of it makes sense!

Gosh what a lovely post, thank you. I'm the same as you then- have tried for 30 years and failed. It breaks my heart, just want to be married LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!

I definitely do relate. I would love to have had even just an “average” marriage with the usual ups and downs people go through. I think the whole “life is short” thing people say, actually means to me that life is too short to learn everything you need to learn and be able to put it into practice! I’d love reincarnation to be real because then I’d feel I could make the most of this life’s lessons! It does make me sad I don’t have a loving husband to grow old with. I think I would have really liked that. You’re not alone

I know it's me who's messed it up.

Actually you don't. Any relationship takes two people. Plenty of people stay together after one or other "has messed up" including surviving affairs and even where one has engaged in reprehenisible behaviour that makes "messing up" looking mild - domestic violence and emotional abuse.

I'm not saying tolerating behaviour like this is to be encouraged but I am making the point that it is very unlikely that anything YOU have done has caused the end of a relationship.

It's more likely that you haven't met someone who suits you.

Thank you thank you. This really means such a lot

I'm almost 38 and my longest relationship is just over three years. Sometimes I think like this too and you know what I realized the other day? There is not a single one of my exes who I would want to have been with for life. (And some of them did want to marry me).

Don’t give up hope OP.

You just haven’t met the right person. Don’t blame yourself either, there are two parties in a relationship

Thank you all. I am in the difficult situation of waiting for my 'DP' to get in touch to (presumably) break up with me. He said he wanted space to think:(

How are you OP?

Why are you waiting for him? Take control and end it yourself. Keeping you hanging on isn't nice.