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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trust

21 replies

tallwindowtree · 30/04/2019 15:16

Hi everyone,

I've met a lovely guy 6 months ago and we committed to each other in January. I'm struggling with it a bit and I don't know why. I love him a lot and love being with him, I find him very attractive and it seems perfect. But I am just on edge - it's like I am in love for the first time. (I'm 40).

He's perfect on paper:

He tells me he loves me constantly
Tells me he misses me when we're apart
Introduced me to his family and friends
Is gradually moving things into my house
Calls me every opportunity and texts me all day
Spends all his available time with me
Is very affectionate with me in public and at home
Tells me I’m beautiful/sexy etc
Loved by my friends
Wants attention, cuddles, wants me to be happy etc

What is wrong with me? I can't seem to believe it....

Can you help before I ruin this?

Thanks

Lucy

OP posts:
WasFatNowThin · 30/04/2019 15:25

How on earth haven't you suffocated? He sounds a little bit over the top to me, but what are your actual concerns? You titled this "Trust", do you not trust him?

Original poster
tallwindowtree · 30/04/2019 15:35

a small disagreement at the beginning on when exclusivity began.

OP posts:
RLEOM · 30/04/2019 16:00

What was the problem with becoming exclusive?

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2019 16:02

You'll have to be more specific.

MrsCakeTheMedium · 30/04/2019 16:11

What was the small disagreement?

OldAndWornOut · 30/04/2019 16:15

Usually if there is a small niggle of worry there is a reason for it.
Its not called a gut feeling for nothing; its your bodies way of trying to get you to listen.

Original poster
tallwindowtree · 30/04/2019 16:29

At the start in Aug last year, I found out he was still dating someone else too.... That finished in early Sept.

OP posts:
MrsCakeTheMedium · 30/04/2019 16:31

Do you mean that you thought you were exclusive but he was seeing someone else?

MrsCakeTheMedium · 30/04/2019 16:33

How come you he didn't stop dating the other person until early Sept if you found at the start of Aug? It doesn't sound like you were ok with that? But you kept dating him anyway?

FuriousVexation · 30/04/2019 16:35

There's 2 possibilities here and from the info given are equally likely:

  1. He's future faking, love bombing you, and you're going to end up in a relationship that is not good for you
  2. He's genuine but your previous negative experiences have made you doubt him

Which do you think is more likely?

CoffeeConnoisseur · 30/04/2019 16:36

If you’ve only been together 6 months then you weren’t even seeing each other in August?

Anyway, I feel claustrophobic just reading your OP. It’s way over the top. It sounds smothering.

FuriousVexation · 30/04/2019 16:37

Cross post.
(Im a slow typist)
If you agreed to be exclusive in August and he didn't stop banging someone else until 6wks later (or longer?) I'd be going with number 1.

Original poster
tallwindowtree · 30/04/2019 16:54

We didn't agree until September and he stopped dating her as soon as we became exclusive.

He was nervous about giving up the other date incase we didn't work out.

OP posts:
MrsCakeTheMedium · 30/04/2019 17:00

So how is it six months?
And you knew he was dating her in August and you were ok with that?

Original poster
tallwindowtree · 30/04/2019 17:03

getting my numbers wrong. never a strong point. it is probably close to 8/9 months

OP posts:
RLEOM · 30/04/2019 17:26

So he was with someone, cheated on her with you, carried on seeing you both for a while, he left her, and now he's a great boyfriend who you have trust issues with?

Riiiiight. Sounds great!

Khob · 30/04/2019 17:36

Careful. Sounds like what happened to me. The perfect man who idolised me, love bombed with texts, gifts until I was hooked. Then the true colours came out and it was like a switch had been flicked, he was just awful and emotionally abusive. I missed every red flag.

Thingsdogetbetter · 30/04/2019 19:43

Why the hell is he moving his stuff into your home within 6 months? How much stuff are you taking about? Toothbrush and clean undies, fine. Lots of stuff, not fine!

Texting ALL day and calling at EVERY opportunity as well as wanting to spend EVERY available minute with you would suffocate and concern me! Doesn't he have a life? Friends? Hobbies? Don't you??? What would happen if you wanted time alone? Or a evening with friends?

AnyFucker · 30/04/2019 19:46

Too much, too soon

Your sensible subconscious is warning you despite your silliness in believing everything a guy you barely know says

myrtlehuckingfuge · 30/04/2019 20:28

Same experience as Khob here. Does he have friends? Does he spend every available moment with you- are you not permitted any time to yourself? My ex declared 'Now that we have found each other I don't see why we should ever spend a night apart.' He didn't care about my flatmate's thoughts on the matter. The continual texting was stifling. I tried to dump him three times in the first year because he was suffocating. He argued me out of it each time. I ended up marrying him- massive mistake. Are you complimenting his already full life or becoming the entirety of his life?

Lefty1 · 30/04/2019 20:40

What @RLEOM said

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