ExH New Wife Pregnant - I have Spiralled

[GreatMindsDontSleep]

ExH lives overseas where our children were born.

I live in home country with our kids.

He was unfaithful multiple times, travelled a lot for work, used prostitutes etc, was emotionally abusive, and threatened to always take kids from me after we separated. (living in Shariah Law country, where that was totally doable).

Since back in home country, I have said that he can have whatever access he needs and wants to the kids, but he never skypes or calls, just takes them on a two week holiday (usually when their birthdays are) and Christmas. He has no input or care about their day to day lives, and I never get a break, except when they are away with him.

Came back to home country 4 years ago. I have got on with life, but it hasn't been easy, have had breast cancer and dealt with all the treatment for that and left over side effects, and now work full time, study full time and raise the kids 100% by myself. He totally amped up divorce proceedings the day after I told him about my cancer diagnosis. I would go to chemo and then go to my lawyer, he really dug in deep, when he'd shown no interest in proceeding previously.

During chemo, when he was on holiday with the kids, I asked him to have the kids an extra night so that it would make treatment logistics easier, he said no, and spent an extra four days at fancy resort with his girlfriend.

Girlfriend has no become wife through Shariah marriage, not marriage as per our home country.

They have all just been overseas in a separate country on holidays with the kids. The kids were home for a day or so, and said, 'oh yeah, we forgot, 'Mrs ExH' has got out baby sibling in her tummy'.

I had seen him twice at airport handovers, no mention of pregnancy, I asked him plans for holidays in next few months - no mention of pregnancy. I said that it really wasn't great for the kids to pop up two weeks every year and then have no contact and would he like to set a regular time once a week/month etc, to skype and I would dedicate that time to a call from him to the kids. He replied 'nup'.

I texted and asked if the kids had it right about pregnancy and then when he confirmed, I sent congratulations and regards to him and new missus.

Since I found out I have just gone into a massive spiral mentally. It has brought back all the terrible things he did when I was pregnant and how he treated me when I was either pregnant or with very young babies, until I left. He was despicable.

I don't want him back or anything like that, but I am just so far down, that a family member asked if I was suicidal and I honestly said yes, although I wouldn't do that to my kids or parents. I have thought about it though.

What do I do, and why am i feeling so bad, when usually i am either totally ambivalent towards him or can have a laugh at the stupid antics he still pulls.

I just feel like I can not take any more of this life and the hard stuff it throws at me.

Sometimes you will have triggers that throw you back to the darker days and also it is painful to see him seemingly moving on happily whilst you are struggling.

I say seemingly as it will be a facade. The new wife will experience what you did. An abusive person does not change. No one who acted like he did (and still does) will change so dramatically with a new person.

Whatever outward picture they display will be far from the reality. I had a similarly abusive Ex and like you ramped up abuse when I was going through diagnosis for cancer. Someone who is capable of this lack of empathy and decency does not act differently with another person.

If the new wife is "normal" then have pity on her as her child will face the same treatment as yours.
Rebuilding life after abuse is very tough and takes much longer than a normal relationship breakup. You will feel better but for now you might need to accept that it is a low period. What can you do to give yourself a break?

I would imagine your feelings are definitely due to being triggered and reminded of all the awful behaviour he subjected you to when you were pregnant.

Try to remember that you’ve felt ambivalent towards him before, and you will again in time. This situation has just woken up painful memories for you and knocked you for six.

Treat yourself kindly and with love. He sounds like a horrible man and you are well rid.

Thank you both.

LifeBegins, I hope your health is back on track. X

How are you today?

Sounds like triggers. Just think that your kids know who has stuck with them thick and thin. They will always know he is just a Disney dad.

I posted a few months back about my ex husband who I left. He started a relationship and my kids kept mentioning her and I sat there and sobbed uncontrollably for ages. I didn’t want him but I felt devastated. A lot of very wise women on here gave me incredible advice and told me I was grieving for our marriage and what I thought it would be. So I’m here to tell you the same and pay it forward.
You’re not upset because of what he has with her. You’re upset because of what you imagined you would have that he didn’t let you. No one goes in to a marriage imagining it failing and this is a normal reaction. Be kind to yourself. Do something that makes you happy just for you and most of all, give it time. It will get better.

Thank you all for your kind words and understanding.

I went to a counsellor today, though we didn't get too far into it all, it really helped.

She said that I probably just got on with moving countries, cancer treatment etc, and suppressed a lot of grieving etc.
Ans the fact it has hit me for six so hard now, is good in one way, as it shows that I am actually in an OK place and able to lose it emotionally. I am going back to her in a week. Thanks again everyone. xx

Be kind to yourself. You got away and are back home.

Life will probably not be a bed of roses for his new wife. I’ll take a wild guess that he’s married a younger woman, probably from a poor Asian country who may have married him for economic reasons but who he can have more “control” over.

It is totally understandable that you feel like this op, given the awful way he behaved when you were pregnant and had little ones. You have gone through a huge amount and sound incredibly strong - full time work and study and coping with serious health issues.

If he behaved like this towards you then he will do the same towards his new partner.

I found that straight after leaving an abusive relationship I was numb and just glad to have got away. Kind of in survival mode until the shitstorm died down.

Over time though certain triggers would release waves of pain or anger from almost nowhere. It sucks each time, but they got less intense and less frequent, and I found myself calmer and more settled when they passed. I guess it is part of the healing process - just go with it and know that it will pass. Each time there was something I needed to deal with and the strongest pain came from the anger at myself for not walking away the first time he showed his true nature.

The pain you feel is just a reminder that you need to work through some stuff to fully heal, and that you now have the capacity to do so. Show yourself the same compassion and forgiveness you would any other victim of abuse. You can get through this and it will get better.

You've done the hardest bit by leaving, honestly, this is just the emotional garbage collection. Counselling to help the process along sounds like a great start.

@diggity Thankyou, those are beautiful words and very true. I do feel bloody foolish for putting up with so much for so long and always extending the goal posts.

I can clearly remember the moment when I should have just left, and picture myself exactly where I was.

As my family say, I was just the one of many to fall for his bullshit and unfortunately put up with it. He has no true friends and no contact with any of his family except for his toxic mother.

Pancake, haha how'd you guess? No he used to pay poor Asian women for sex, as in his words 'they are held in high esteem as they are supporting their families'.

He married a much younger, African woman.

Hope you feel better soon OP. I can completely see how you spiralled in these circumstances. I hope the counselling helps. Previous posters have written lovely posts - I hope you find them helpful too. 😊