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Relationships

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Original poster

DC making you 'whole'/ 'complete', being 'done'

20 replies

Home77 · 30/04/2019 09:27

I keep seeing this on MN from people explaining their wishes / need for more DC, and I don't really get it. Can someone explain please

OP posts:

MrsCakeTheMedium · 30/04/2019 09:32

Sometimes people want more children. What don't you get?

Original poster

Home77 · 30/04/2019 09:34

The above, really. I understand that people feel the biological urge to have children, yes. Just not about it somehow filling a void...

OP posts:

QueenBeex · 30/04/2019 09:34

You don't get that some parents want a 'big' family, want siblings for their child or love being a parent and are happy having more than one child?

Original poster

Home77 · 30/04/2019 09:37

Yes, I do get that. I have more than one child myself. But as I explained (above) it is not all about making you complete etc.

Is there some problem with me needing to clarify what I posted?

OP posts:

Rarfy · 30/04/2019 09:38

I've never been so happy as I am now I have a dd. It's an amazing feeling watching her grow and develop with the love you can't help but shower them with. It is a fierce feeling you have no control over.

The smallest things give me the biggest smiles with the most amazing feeling in my heart. It is literally that good!!! I love being a mother.

That being said they are so much hard work and I was desperate for one have been around babies all my life and still didn't realise how hard I would find it sometimes. I probably have what people would call an easy baby too! I don't know how people who find themselves accidentally pregnant cope.

Original poster

Home77 · 30/04/2019 09:46

Yes, I feel the same, it is very selfless isn't it parenting and bringing up a child. Lots of giving and i am unsure about this expectation of in return, being 'made whole' or complete. Would it not be better to feel whole or complete in the first place before having children? It was never something I expected or wanted from having a child. It wasn't about me, really. Not sure exactly what I mean, but find the two things quite different.

Maybe it is like something I read about relationships, about not looking for a partner to make you whole or complete. as well.

OP posts:

3timeslucky · 30/04/2019 09:46

There's a difference between feeling "whole or complete" and being "done". Being done is when you no longer feel broody (ie the desire to be pregnant again and have another child). That I have experienced.

No idea about feeling "whole" or "complete". Once our third was born I knew our family was complete. But me? I've been complete all along.

category12 · 30/04/2019 09:56

I've not noticed anyone say it's to make themselves "complete".

I've heard it as "making our family complete", that sort of thing. Which makes more sense.

MrsCakeTheMedium · 30/04/2019 09:58

Not everyone is the same. I think it might be as simple as that.

Wadingthroughshit · 30/04/2019 10:01

I think I understand what you mean OP. I think I've heard people using this language, especially refering to a slightly disjointed relationship and how having children can make them whole (or getting engaged), or if a person feels a void, perhaps from broken family, or not enough attention or lack of direction, so think having a child will offer the unconditional love and direction and focus they need. I understand that, but I don't think having a child in those circumstances is always the best idea.

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 30/04/2019 10:07

I don't know if this is quite what you mean, but when my biological clock started sounding it was a sudden, overwhelming need for a child that i hadn't had before when i was happily child free. I wouldn't have used the phrase 'filling a void' but i can sort of see how another person might.

Now that we're trying for a sibling for DC, it is because we both don't feel quite 'complete' yet as a family, like we're always subconsciously waiting for the last person to turn up so we can get on with things. I know that sounds silly, but it's the best way i can describe the feeling of not quite being done yet. It's not me that needs to feel complete, it's our family as a whole.

Musti · 30/04/2019 10:10

You don't have to get it. You can feel and describe your feelings as you want, or not. Does it matter?

Original poster

Home77 · 30/04/2019 10:27

I think it is Ok to want to understand it. I'm not sure if it is the same as the instinct, perhaps not.

OP posts:

QueenBeex · 30/04/2019 10:41

I actually posted my reply at the same time as you, so I didn't see your reply before or when I clicked post. No need to clarify what you meant, I just didn't see your reply as you would tell by looking at the times we both posted.

Original poster

Home77 · 30/04/2019 10:56

It is making me think of my own mother a little bit. And how i maybe need to take care not to repeat things. I have two DC myself, and mum has always been a bit needy of me...and felt I needed to help make her happy. maybe it could be a cyclical thing. A learnt behaviour...not sure.

OP posts:

Musti · 30/04/2019 11:48

Children have always been the most important thing to me. However, I have two teens and I would never make them feel as if I need them. I want them to be happy and independent and do what is right for them. I want to be there when they need me, not the other way round. So although my kids complete me and I'm very maternal, I only need for them to be happy and fulfilled. In the future, if they move away, I'll be happy for them to make choices that are right for them, even though I'll miss them.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 30/04/2019 12:42

I just think it's a personal thing, some people feel that way, some don't.
I love my son more than anyone in the world but he doesn't complete me, I'm not fulfilled with it just being me and him. when I left my DH people used to say focus on your son, etc etc and i used to feel dreadful that he wasnt enough for me but when I spoke to my counsellor about it he was like of course he isnt enough, he's a child and you're an adult. I want my son to grow up, be happy and independent and so when he flies the nest I need my own life to be happy and fulfilling,

Happyspud · 30/04/2019 12:43

It’s very simple. It’s whether another person has been imagined positively or not. Once you’ve imagined up a person, it’s hard not to try and make them exist.

Drogosnextwife · 30/04/2019 12:45

I would love to have 3 children, I lways pictured myself with a few kids at least 3, I feel as though my life is missing something right now as i only have 2 children. Unfortunately our circumstances would make it difficult to have a third, and tbh I'm too scared to have another child as my mental health was so bad after my second that I just can't face it again. I don't feel like my family is complete but it probably never will be.

mindutopia · 30/04/2019 18:33

I have 2 dc. I knew I wanted two because I wanted more than 1 as that seemed better and more enjoyable. I am now done. But they don’t ‘complete’ me or fill a ‘void’. I just wanted 2 children but realistically we can’t afford more nor do I physically want to have more. Nothing more to it really. My dh would say the same.

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