Learning to live alone

[WizzyBee]

I'm not really sure what I want here and it's a bit rambling but any advice gratefully received!

I have been a single parent for about 12 years and my two boys are now both in their early 20s. DS1 is just finishing Uni so has been living away from home for 3 years. DS2 is working but often stays overnight with his GF, sometimes for weekends (she is at Uni). My parents are both long dead and the only other family is a brother at the other end of the country but we have a (friendly enough) birthday and Xmas cards type of relationship.

I do sports and exercise most evenings and weekend mornings so its not that I don't see other people or have friends but when DS2 is away I seem to really struggle with being on my own on weekend afternoons and in the evenings. I'm not afraid or anything, its more boredom and just...loneliness?

I feel like I should be getting on with jobs around the house, or going to art galleries or the cinema or doing worthwhile things that I'm sure most people with families and busy lives would love to have the time to do, but I end up doing nothing. I fart about reading the paper, looking at cat videos and, annoyingly, eating crap. I sometimes plan activities but when it comes to it I feel too tired or skint or the weather is shit and I just want to stay indoors. I can't even get interested in whats on the telly.

I'm aware that in a couple of years the lads will have moved out permanently, which is a good thing as I absolutely want them to go and make their own lives, but I am dreading the thought of being totally alone.

How can I turn this into a positive thing?

Hmm...I also have two boys who are growing up and have thought this as DH very busy sometimes. I did wonder possibly about in the future taking in foreign exchange students to make a bit of money and just having someone in the house. But then, it would still be the DCs room, so maybe not. I know someone who does this. Or, i also thought about a meditation class nearby and some things which take place locally. Maybe some of this might help?

You genuinely have to make a concerted effort to see people. Friends
At least once a weekend, for a coffee, drink, walk, dinner.

Everyone is busy but you have to make it a vigorous routine, otherwise you will just slide into doing nothing and feeling down about it.

I live on my own and it can be very hard at first. But I really had to make an effort.i thought people didn’t want to hang out with me, but the more you do it, the easier it is, and everyone is rubbish at seeing people.

Then that afternoon that you’re on your own after doing something the previous day will seem lovely and relaxing

I think there are lots of other women/ people like you. My DCs have still got a few years left at home but i've been widowed for 8 years already. I'm bored and lonely - even though I live with them- because I can't really leave them and do the things I enjoy. Also at the weekends, I feel everyone in a 'normal' family is enjoying their precious family time and don't always want to do things with other families.
You've got your sports- which is brilliant- but you need company, friendship and personal interaction/ stimulation. Find someone in the same position as you - I would be so grateful for a friend like this in a few years....and spend your Saturday afternoons together. Just one outing would probably be enough to take away the emptiness.
How you meet this friend is the hard bit- but you'll have to make the effort and it may take time- running club? book club? volunteering- all the old chestnuts....

I think the "going out" part is easily covered. The people I know who struggle with living alone feel that way because they get bored at home. But you can't be out 24/7. I have lots of home hobbies, crafts, gaming, reading, I'm just teaching myself to crochet at the moment. If you have lots of things you enjoy doing at home, then you can cherish the time you spend there rather than dread it.

ShirleyAvenue - you've echoed my thoughts there. I do have friends that I see, mainly at weekends because we do the sports things together, but also book club and pub nights, meals etc occasionally. But they have families with younger kids and are busy at other times and I'm not the kind of person who phones people for a chat. I work part time and from Sunday lunch time to
Monday afternoon when I meet a friend for a run, it can be that the only person I talk to is the cat.

I really don't want to be going out all the time for entertainment and company and I do have hobbies to do at home. I think I just want to get over the feeling that nobody really cares about me like a partner or parent or something.

I don't know what the answer is!!

You could get a partner!!

I was in this position a few years ago but

a. DC don’t necessarily stay away forever (think boomerang!) and I’ve had one at home post uni pretty much non-stop,

b. I got a lodger and knowing that someone would find me if i fell down the stairs was a great comfort and

c. I starteD online dating, not to find a LT partner but to have some fun

I still don’t get all the jobs done that I should but hey ho

@CassettesAreCool advice is good!

How about being a foster parent , does that appeal? X

I did a bit of online dating a few years ago but the thought of doing it again - nope.

Fostering holds no appeal but I appreciate the suggestion.