Husband doesn't answer me

[pizzascroll]

Hi all, have NC for this post.

Please tell me if IABU in relation to communication with my DH...
(Background, I'm currently not working and husband works standard 40hr week)
Me: I saw this night shift job for me today what do you think?
DH: I thought about it for myself
Me: ~confused~ but when would you sleep?
DH: there's 5 hours between jobs
DH walks out of room, end of conversation.

My issue is he still hasn't answered my original question of what his opinion is of me taking the job and sometimes if I follow up and ask again he sounds annoyed or says he's answered me.

He does this with nearly every single question I ask him, he either doesn't respond when I talk to him and I need to prompt him or I ask a question and he responds with an answer that either doesn't make any sense to the question I'm asking or answers with something that is quite sarcastic but still doesn't actually answer the question.

He will also start a conversation by telling me some information but then I have to keep asking (fishing) for further info that is required.
I'm not sure if I'm explaining it well but it drives me literally crazy and quite frankly I've had enough of every conversation being such hard work!

How's your relationship aside from this communication issue?

I hate to say this, however it sounds as though he doesn't have any respect for you or your thoughts.

Thanks, it's not so good right now, or for a while really but I never know if I'm right to be frustrated or if this is 'normal' communication in other relationships.

No, not normal. Has he always been like this or is this new?

He sounds angry and passive aggressive.

In your example, he immediately made it about him.

He sounds disrespectful.

A conversation is supposed to be 2 way, back and forth, listening, and engaging the other person. He isn't doing any of this.

Has it always been this way or has it changed? If the first then it is probably a personality issue. Otherwise he is not interested in conversations with you.

I'm not sure if it's always been this way or if I'm only just really noticing it, but I'd say it has been this way for a while.
If I bring it up with him he denies it or says he has answered me or will eventually answer me 'properly' if I push the issue or keep asking but that's getting old fast and is exhausting.

My DH can be crap at conversation and the only that has helped is calling him out on it. I would tell him how his behaviour makes you feel.

He's ignoring you in conversations then ignoring any concerns you have about those conversations, and when you absolutely push him he promises you a proper answer later, and later never comes - so he's still ignoring you.

You might as well live on your own with a nice dog or cat who won't ignore you and will be kind and attentive.

Only sure way my DH listens is if I swear, then he hears everything, otherwise he’s ignorant too.

are you married to m y ex husband? He did exactly this - all the time. Drove me bonkers! I stopped asking him things in the end because I never got a grown up sensible answer - always a silly answer with a wink at anybody else that happened to be listening.

I think it was designed to make me look like a silly little woman who didn't know anything.

Agree with Nigella, I think there is a passive aggressive issue here.

‘Oi, did you hear what I said?’
My dh has a habit of walking off mid conversation. I pull him up on it every time. It’s rude. Although, I swear at dh if he walks off.

Stop asking this rude twat of a man anything. Just tell him what you intend to do, then do it. Bet he'll start noticing you exist then. I'm also willing to bet you'll then grow in confidence enough to leave him.

Why do you need his permission to get a job?
Is he trying to keep you the little woman at home?
It’s very odd and not normal.
I’m wondering if there was issues in your childhood.
Is he like this with other people, his friends family or work colleagues.
Do you have children?
Do you have friends.
You don’t appear to have a problem communicating.
What’s he like in other areas, ie finances and housework
Life shouldn’t be this hard.
Can you see if he will go to any joint therapy if you want to stay married to him.
If he won’t I’d seek my own individual therapy.

He will also start a conversation by telling me some information but then I have to keep asking (fishing) for further info that is required.
I'm not sure if I'm explaining it well but it drives me literally crazy and quite frankly I've had enough of every conversation being such hard work!

Yes my ex used to do that as well. It’s very passive agressive and I agree, it’s hard to explain to someone else without sounding crazy and petty.

If your husband looks cool and calm and you look irrationally angry, it’s probably that you are on the receiving end of his passive aggressive behaviour.

Mary, I don't need his permission but we do have children and as it was a night shift position and would impact the family I was just asking his opinion.

He's not financially controlling at all, in fact I handle all of our finances and yes I do have friends, he is honestly not controlling in any other areas and does his share around the house etc but yes we do have other issues, quite big ones and are looking at doing a trial separation, this communication thing was not the main problem but is starting to become one.

I get this with my DH. Either snappy answers or derogatory/condescending tone too. It’s disrespectful and feels passive aggressive

ImNotNigel yes!! That's exactly it, to try and explain it makes me sound so petty but to live with it, it is literally driving me crazy!

Was he being sarcastic? Hinting that as you haven't got a paid job, he needs to go out and get another one as well as his dayjob? (Not the main issue, I know).

Mine use to go like this

Him - I’ll be getting the 9pm train

Me - why ? What train ?

Him ( in sarcastic tone, like I’m an idiot ) - the 9pm train into town

Me - but why, where are you going ?

Him - because the sleeper leaves Euston at 11pm.

Me - I don’t understand - where are you going ?

Him ( getting angry ) I told you about this.

Me ( bemused ) no you didn’t, where are you going and when will you be back ?

Him ( angry ) - launches into rant about how he did tell me and I never listen to him and I don’t care about his work or support him or appreciate how hard he works for me and the kids.

It would turn out later that when he said “ I told you “ he meant that last year he had mentioned that he had a one week training course in Aberdeen sometime next summer.

There’s a reason he’s now my ex.

Single, no I'm sure he wasn't hinting that.
I left my last job for reasons I'd rather not say as it may be outing but I had his full support. Money is a bit tight at the moment and we're feeling the pressure but he's not the type to throw it back in my face like that.