When did you notice your relationship change?

[Downunderduchess]

I've not posted anything before now, but am curious to know for those in unhappy relationships or who have left them, when did you realise or notice they were not the person you thought they were? Was it a slow evolution or one dramatic incident for example? I am not married nor do I live with someone, just interested in relationship dynamics

For me it was a combination of slow decline,decreased communication, arguments punctuated by bigger episodes of abuse or neglect. Took me far too long to get out

For me it was sudden, he worked away on a job and just wasn't the same when he came home. Up until that point I thought that I was in a happy forever marriage. He had an affair whilst away for work, it had been going on for 6 months by the time I found out. And i found out, he didnt tell me, which I think was just the cherry on the top.

We tried to make it work after that, or should I say, I tried mostly. After finding out about two more affairs it was over.

I am surrounded by so many friends at the moment who have turmoil in their marriages. Some have just fizzled out, but very sadly, most are due to affairs.

I have met someone else now, nearly 4 years down the line, quite unexpectedly. This relationship is very very different from my side. I am so much more aware of things, which I think in some situations isnt a good thing, but it is what it is. Fortunately he understands what turmoil i have been through so i pretty patient. The downside is that I don't think forever anymore, just take it as it comes, day to day.

Looking back he did something really shitty before we even dated and that was red flag number one. That aside, the first 3 months were absolutely incredible and I was convinced I’d found “the one”. We kept getting closer and closer and then one day he just totally withdrew and started flirting with other girls while completing ignoring me. No explanation whatsoever. I was heartbroken but respected that he must have changed his mind about me and I backed off and gave him space. I went on a holiday alone and did a lot of crying, came back ready to move on. When I came back, he was all over me like a rash and I was still in love so gave him a second chance, thinking it had all been a blip.

I was with him for a year in total but it was very very rocky and would go in a pattern of madly in love, can’t keep hands off each other - he is emotionally vulnerable with me - he starts ignoring me or emotionally abusing me - I’m gutted but accept he doesn’t want me anymore - I decide to back off and work on myself - he comes back with more fantastical promises, sweet gestures and mind blowing sex - madly in love, can’t keep hands off each other again. Rinse and repeat dozens and dozens of times.

A year in I realised I couldn’t keep doing this to myself and that if it was “meant to be” it wouldn’t be that hard. I backed off for longer and watched him not understand why his previous get me back tricks weren’t working. We were together for about 15 months in total and it only ended when I went no contact.

I wish I’d done it at the 3 month mark.

It changed after dc 2 after I went back to work.

Thanks to everyone who has shared thus far. Apart from being generally curious about human nature, I am so bewildered by the behaviour of people that have wanted to be with you and I guess for most relationships have said they love you and then turn around and treat you in the most appalling ways. I have massive trust issues, I won't open myself up to another relationship again, it's just too upsetting when they "change their mind" and proceed to treat you poorly. I wish everyone a great day.

I thought everything was good with us.

He started staying up late online. He began acting distant and short with me, criticising me a lot.

Turns out he was having an emotional affair online.

I meant my vows. Clearly his were conditional. He meant his until he became bored and had attention from another woman.