He's abusive and I take it.. again and again

[Khob]

Yet again I've found myself rapidly love bombed and now my BF has turned vile on me. He gaslights, denies what he's said, invents things I have said. Arguments over tiny things last all day until Im beaten down, he threatens to leave...

If I disagree with him all hell breaks lose. If I agree, then he says I've said it in a way he can tell I don't really mean it.

He picks a massive fight over something trivial I've done wrong(like genuinely forgetting to tell him something or not asking him if he wants a drink when I get one) and if I try to put it right, he says I cant, it's the fact I've disrespected him, we aren't a team etc.

The problem is that I have an absolute terror of abandonment which has lead me even to tolerate physical abuse in the past. I have many symptoms of borderline personality disorder, and this is one of the main ones. I know I need to get out, but can't bear the overwhelming feelings of panic when I even think about it.

I hate myself for being so weak. I'll probably end up dead. I don't think there's anything I can do. I feel so hopeless

how long have you been together. do you live together if so is there anyone you can stay with. well done for taking the first step and asking for help.

Just know it's not your fault and try to take steps to leave. You have every right to be happy and safe in your life.

We don't live together. But have been 18 months dating. He's been so horrible, even if I'm loving to him he causes of manipulating him to make him feel guilty. He says I need to hear what I'm like and how I make him feel. How hard it is to deal with someone who doesn't get it. How he will really need to think if he can cope etc. I know it's all rubbish but I end up almost begging him..

You need therapy. I'd advise you invest in yourself because you will continue to waste your life on losers until you do. And this guy is a massive loser.

Do you have any sibings?

You know yourself what you have to do, he might not respect you but you can respect yourself.
What would you say to someone you cared about who was in this situation?

What is it you enjoy about this relationship ?

It just sounds draining to me. You are allowed to be happy.

I have BPD and I was in a similar relationship to this. The fear of abandonment is horrible, except the relationship got so bad, I started to feel a hollow, anxious, shell. I decided to leave. I decided I was going to abandon him because I deserved better than to be made to feel like i was worthless. By taking control, I took away that anxiety. I felt relief, I think you might too. Its not easy and he tried every trick in the book to stop me walking away. But every nasty thing he did confirmed to me that being alone is better than being hurt and abused. I still have tough days 6 months after leaving. But not one of them has been as tough as the days in that relationship.

Phannypharts, I find it interesting that you consider breaking up with someone who doesn't meet your needs to be "abandoning" them. This was likely taught to you as a child to keep you in service of an abusive authority figure.

OP (and phanny), as a child, were you made to feel responsible for one or both if your parents' emotional states/wellbeing? Are you "parentified" (please Google this)? Do you feel that you have to stick with broken people and give them a chance (after chance, after chance) and that you aren't good quality enough (as taught to you as a child) to do better, therefore afraid that this one piece of crap person will leave you? And that you'll never find someone better?

End it.
Learn to love yourself.

Can you get some support through your GP or Mind or similar? It's your MH issues that are stopping you leaving this relationship that you know is no good for you, so would additional counselling/medication/support help you make the leap?

Khob, understanding that he is abusive is a major giant step, well done.

Before I bet you thought it was your fault and that you needed to try harder. That is exactly what they want.

You will get there. Now you know, it is facing your fear of being alone, your fear of his rage, letting go of that terrible addiction, the hopium pipe (he will change and love me back).

That hopium is the hardest thing to give up. But please: continue to FACE THE TRUTH - he is abusive, he is not nice at all, this is NOT love and you are deserving of care and respect.

You will find your power, OP. Thank goodness you don't live together. One day at a time.

I was absolutely terrified of being alone and being abandoned.

It is sooooo much better than walking on eggshells and being treated like sh*.

I found out that his opinion (you are worthless, beneath my disdain and mean nothing) was a very minority opinion.

Don't be around abuse OP. Walk away from it and take the risk of being alone. There are so many nice people out there who will treat you with respect and regard and have no agenda at all. There is a lovely world full of joy out there.

Dear OP, when you stay with someone who treats you badly, you are abandoning yourself. You are hearing your inner child screaming to you, and you assume that those screams mean you need love from the abuser. When really, you only need your own love, and the reassurance that you will never self-abandon, and you will always have your own back. that's what gives you confidence to make your own way in the world.

Melanie Tonia Evans talks about this all the time on Youtube or her blog - you can google her.

Please break up with him. My sister was in a situation like this. Sadly she moved in with him. It made it much harder to leave. You have nothing to lose and so much to gain.
Do you have friends IRL who you can be with? Block his number and email etc. You can do this. You deserve someone who treats you well.

Thank you, I do realise what a horrible dynamic it is. When I actually think about exactly what he has "going for him" there's hardly anything really.. Its just ridiculous.

I have no siblings and was brought up by my mum who let men use her as she too could not face being alone.

I have had counselling, have had antidepressants but I'm back on the samr road. I've just ordered the freedom programme so maybe that will help.

He's so horrible, just picks a fight and when I struggle to answer because he gets me panicked and flustered, it's proof to him I'm lying.

I feel like I hate him, so how the hell can I be so dependent. It makes no sense to me.

PicsInRed

My mother had severe mental health issues and was prone to frightening unpredictable behaviour during a time when I should be learning people were safe and to be trusted. There was no abusive authority figure in the way you perhaps envisaged, there was no enforced servitude. She was sick She couldn't help it. Now she is medicated and we are 35 odd years on, she is a gentle, wonderful person. A million miles from how she behaved then - she was ill. I stick with "broken" people maybe because I'm broken too. I can't help my diagnosis. But its there. I dont abuse other people because of my past. Abuse is a choice. But equally, I have made mistakes.

Either way its not a good idea to make assumptions and arm chair diagnose on the basis of a few of my words. I have no doubt of your kind intentions. My use of the term "abandoning" of the other person was more about poetic flow than how i viewed my leaving them. I knew they were treating me badly and I knew it wasn't acceptable and I had enough.

Khob. I hope you find the strength within you to choose your happiness over his. Its no way to live, and you deserve peace and fulfilment.