Problems with in laws.

[Travis42]

Hi, Its my first time posting on mumsnet and i'm really hoping people can share there advice as i am at a massive loss on what to do and feeling really down and confused.

My partner and I got married 5 weeks ago, although you wouldn't think it because we are hardly speaking and when we try to communicate it just turns into a blazing argument. I've not spoke to his sister in about 18 months as we had a big falling out over my daughter. He has maintained contact which i have encouraged. But since we got married its all escalated and now she has somehow got his dad to say he wants nothing to do with me either. My husband has not reacted well, and neither have I and its causing so much friction and i don't know how to approach the situation anymore. I feel like its wrong that his dad just expects to cut me out and for everything to carry on as normal. I haven't done anything to him other than not speak to his daughter - which he has not had a problem with up until now. I am angry as i feel my husband should be supporting me a bit more and telling his dad that its not acceptable. But he seems to think i'm over reacting and is happy to just carry on. Am i being unreasonable? I can't even seem to see right and wrong with all the stress its causing. I think the problem has stemmed from the fact we got married and his sister is unhappy she wasn't there. But nobody was there other than 2 witnesses. So i don't feel thats a very good reason to cause all of this drama.

I'm not used to all this drama and conflict. I hate arguments and try my best to avoid fall outs. But his family seem to think to speak for a few months and then not talk for months is normal. They can literally pick up where they left off and i'm finding it all a bit much for me.

Sorry about the long rant but i'm trying to give as much information as possible. And was hoping other people can share any advice or experiences they have with similar situations. Am i wrong in feeling my husband should have my back a little more and stand up to his dad? Or is he right in that i just need to accept it and carry on. I don't like this idea of bringing the babas up in all of this and i don't know how to approach it all.

Thanks in advance. :)

Hi OP...Can you not just ring his dad and ask him directly why he feels his behaviour is appropriate? Family dynamics are always tricky to navigate I know.My husbands family and their ways are a million miles from how my family operate.I take my lead from them...if they don;t want to involve me thats fine ..I go about my business and generally don;t, if I am being honest , ever really give them that much thought.I see them infrequently so its easier.They get from me what they give me...not a lot!! We have a child together and although they are pleasent to my daughter they do not know her and thats a shame for them as she is a lovely little girl,You sound so upset and I understand your feelings and how you feel your husband should be more supportive,However you have a choice to make here...you either let their petty games upset your family or you get on and build your own family with your husband on the proviso that he deals with them,sees them but on his own and then when he is back you dont want to hear about it and you both get on with living your lives together unhindered by them...thats what we sort of do.I married him not them! My inlaws have lost out on so much with their couldnt give a monkeys attitude but that is their problem and not mine and I refuse to play their games.I would,and I know its hard but if I were you I would refuse from now to engage anymore and let them get on with it....It isn;t easy but you have your life to live and you don;t really need them...what you do need is your husband to put as much effort as you do into your marriage,if he is willing to do that then you will be ok together without them,Please though if he wants to maintain a relationship with them let him do it with no repercussions,wave him off and see you when you get back darling kind of thing...Best Wishes sent to you ....

Thank you so much for your advice. I really appreciate it at this really difficult time. I think i needed to just hear something from an outside person to make the situation more clear to me. I'm so caught up in my feelings and i don't want to be making things worse. I'm sorry you are going through a similar thing but its good to see you have accepted it and find a way to work with it. I think you are right and i need to allow him to do what he wants to do but exclude myself from it and start focusing on this family and just forget about them. For people who i don't see or bother with they sure are eating up a lot of my time. Thank you for giving me a more clear perspective.

Are you not invited around to PIL occasions anymore? What happens if you are in the same room with your FIL? Does he ignore you or is he hostile?