Did I do the right thing letting go of this friend?

[RussellSprout]

Been friends with someone for 17 years. Met her through friends of friends when we were students, we were never best friends ourselves though. She ended up coincidentally moving to the city I grew up in, and returned to, so we ended up friends again. . We got on fine it was never a very intense friendship more of a slow and steady type but she's been in my life a long time, through birth of children/wedding etc.. quite a few key moments.

However, I never felt entirely comfortable with this friend. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it always felt like she kept me at arms length. Over time this developed into quite a one sided friendship and it felt like I did all the running/organising. We used to hang out quite a bit at each others houses but over the years this got less and less until it ended up that I'd get in touch every few months and we'd go out for drinks or brunch or something. Then wouldn't see each other for a few months until I got in touch again. Never, or very very rarely would she be the one to get in touch. That used to hurt a bit but over time I just accepted that it was a bit one sided and kind of put up with it.

My friend can be quite flaky and sometimes I'd have to text a few times to get something sorted. Eg, I'd suggest a date, she said she'd have to check and get back to me and then I wouldn't hear back for ages but I've pencilled in this particular date waiting for her to confirm so I felt like my diary was on hold waiting for her to get back to me and in the end I'd have to chase her a bit which made me feel a bit like it was hard work. I mean, why couldn't she ever just get back to me or even get in touch herself?

I last arranged to see her before xmas, we went for a few drinks after work and it was pleasant. Didn't see her again for a while.. then bumped in to her randomly two months ago and we went for a coffee. I suggested going out for a drink she was all up for it, I said I'd get in touch to sort a date.

Texted a little while later and said how's it going fancy going out for wine. She never replied to me and for some reason it just made me feel really angry and humiliated and kind of sore. I've got other friends who can be flaky but I reacted differently to this particular friend than how I may with others. I just felt like she was ignoring me, it was always me chasing her, she didn't give a shit and never had.. I just kind of felt humiliated that she couldn't even bother to get back to me.

It ate away at me, eventually (after about 4 days) I messaged saying lets leave it, it's always so difficult to ever arrange anything. She replied saying she'd been distracted as she'd had personal problems and was going to get back to me and didn't think she'd been unreasonable.

that was a good month ago, since then I've been thinking did I do the right thing or was I too hasty? It feels like I'm the 'chaser' in this friendship, is that a reason to end it permanently?

Sometimes, relationships just come to the end of their lives. It's sad but it happens.. You just have to let it go, the longer it goes on the easier it becomes.

I am going through the same thing at the moment, I even messaged this person to say that I felt that she was no longer interested in our friendship. She called to arrange to go for coffee, and assured me that wasn't the case. We spoke a little while after and told her to come up with some days for a coffee/drink ( My time is more flexible that hers) that was about 8 weeks ago, I have heard nothing. So I have to assume she really isn't interested, but doesn't have the bottle to actually say so.

I think this relationship came to the end of its life a while back if I'm honest. Somehow it can be harder to let go of the really old ones.

Sounds like she let go of you a long time ago.

Not meaning to sound mean :)
Friendships move on, don’t sweat it

I know... feels like I've been stuck in this same old tired pattern for ages. In the past I've pulled back for a bit and then she has got in touch eventually and we've kind of fallen back into this casual friendship. I think the last time she 'ignored' me, for want of a better word, it just triggered something quite rageful in me and I thought 'enough, I don't want to be chasing someone like this, it feels undignified!' If I was more secure in the friendship I doubt a few days not hearing back would have had that effect, but that's the whole point, I don't feel secure so of course it has more meaning....

Nzeire your last post is profound in its simplicity. Really, it helped a lot!

I've had this. Friends for 28 years, flaky and basically a let down. She never used to drive and in the early days I drove her around to loads of places and when she passed her test about 5 years she didn't drive over to me or take me anywhere. When I had my 2nd baby she didn't come and visit me in hospital and we were kept in for 9 days.
I had to let it go and it's hurts but it's been 18 months now with no contact.

Went through something similar with a lovely friend. I would suggest something, she would say yes, I would put in on calendar. Then the day before I would get in touch to confirm and she would have forgotten, double booked, etc. I had to let go. Life is too short. You absolutely did the right thing. No regrets.

I think you did. Tough - as you say, the old ones are the hardest. I have my head in the sand about a similar situation with a friendship of almost 20 years. My sympathies. x

I am in the same position. Best friends for over 30 years. She and her family saw me through some really tough times as a teen, each other's bridesmaids.

We have lived 3 hours apart for past 10 years and only time I get to see her now is if I ask her if I can visit or beg her to come here? Which is literally twice a year now. She's more proactive via text but you can't have a meaningful friendship if you never meet in the flesh. When we are together we have the best time (as I see it) but it is literally me making all the running.

Breaks my heart thought of not having her in my life but in reality she's already gone and I don't have the bells to confront her.

Well, I think it's clear you want different things from a friendship, and if it's upsetting you then you're under no obligation to continue with it. But fwiw, I don't feel your friend has necessarily acted unreasonably or nastily.

I think I am probably quite like this in friendships. I work hard and have a complex career that involves a lot of contacts and work-under-the-guise-of-socialising, and I often get a bit overwhelmed both with all the interpersonal contact and also with the arrangements, so I want and expect my friends not to get too heavy with me about how often we meet up or how nailed down arrangements are. I also have family commitments and am mindful (and think others should be) of the fact that these won't last forever. But I do love and value my friends, think about them often even when contact is low, and would be there for them in a crisis. I disagree with the pp who said you can't have a meaningful friendship without meeting up in the flesh - or at least I think that's more important to some people than others, and at some times of your life more than others. Only you can judge how important it is to you.

I find it interesting that you feel 'humiliated' by her lack of contact. I think that's an over-personalisation of what is basically a difference in style, and your friend's bemusement seems to suggest she didn't intend to cause offence. So if you still value her as a friend then I think you could think about why her behaviour triggers you in that way and might come up with some interesting answers. But if you've just had enough and think the friendship's run its course, then of course that's your prerogative, and you shouldn't feel bad about consigning it to the out tray on the desk of life.