Husband works away

[Lucy8235]

Looking for some advice,husband works away from home doing 3 months away at a time.While he’s away he spends a lot of that time out drinking and socialising.This wouldn’t bother me so much if it wasn’t so often but the days he works he’s too tired to talk or FaceTime then when he gets a day off he spends it out drinking and doesn’t call.Im at home looking after our 4 kids and it’s hard sometimes.The thing that bothers me most though is the fact he won’t call or message when he’s out then will phone at 1am(2am his time) when I’m up early with the kids.He doesn’t seem to think he’s doing anything wrong,says everyone else drinks more than him like that makes it ok.Ive told him I’ve had enough,he thinks nothing of spending money on alcohol but would never think to buy me even a bunch of flowers.He seems to think I’m being dramatic and doesn’t think any other woman would be bothered.Just wondering how anyone else would feel?

Furious is how I would feel ! Sounds like he totally checks out and lives like a single man without responsibility. The very least he can do for his 4 children is have a FaceTime routine for them - this should be daily- asking them about their day, "are you helping mummy " etc and also when the children are in bed he should be doing the same again - you could FaceTime over a glass of wine and debrief - he just winds down solo 😬
Yup I'd be furious. Added to that he's probably hungover and it's feeding the problem of having a "not bothered" attitude.

I'm feeling quite sorry for you right now but I'm not sure how you fix it as a good man just wouldn't do this to their family. Just my opinion xx

He's a douche 😡

Thank you,yes feeling really upset right now as he was never like this before,he has always worked away but only now with this job has the opportunity to go out.He also lies sometimes when he’s out and tries to blame me saying he doesn’t tell me because he knows I would be annoyed.I feel like he thinks he has the best of both worlds going out and enjoying himself then coming home to us.All I get from him is that he works hard so thinks he ‘deserves’ it! Hes due home soon and I’m so angry and upset I’m not sure I even want him to come home.Its such a long time for the kids they tell me they have friends whose dads are away for a few nights and FaceTime so can’t they don’t understand why theirs doesn’t.

Your not going to want to hear this but I could have told the same story a year ago.. calls diminished face time the kids only on Sunday am and the rest of the time he was out having far too much fun. Eventually it all became clear.. a double life with a new girl (couldn't call her a woman) who was actually living with him! Hence the reason for no face time only when she was out and a new found social life to boot!! I suggest you do some digging but keep your cool for now, I hope to god I'm wrong but working away this is actually the norm for most married men and many women on here have pretty similar stories to tell.

My gut is telling me that too.Its the not knowing what to do when he denies anything and I have no proof.

Don't ask, become a very good detective. Look for signs.. does he come back and buy new clothes? Noticed anything different in the bedroom- could be minor details.. it was like piecing a jigsaw together for me. Then I waited until he was safely back on his plane back to his double life and havked his email/iCloud and all sorts - bad I know! Boy oh boy he got the shock of his life as did I. Please don't let on you have suspicions just yet, I could be wrong! Quietly look for signs

Thank you,annoys me that he’s not sorry at all,if he really was he would change his behaviour.We had what I thought was a good heart to heart a few weeks ago where he promised he would change lasted not even a week.Guess he thinks I’m a pushover,not sure if I even want it stay in the marriage anymore when the trust is gone.

What industry does her work in ?

Is he working in the uk?

No,he’s in Spain at the moment works on a private yacht.

Does he drink heavily when he's at home? Because if he does he's got a serious drink problem. If not I'd be looking for an OW. Men in your DH's position sometimes run two lives in parallel.

It sounds horrible. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

It's far too easy to have you cake and eat when working away, you'd never know really what he's up to! Never in my wildest dreams did I think my husband would do what he did but he did and sadly he was lying to my face for months beforehand.. we had a heart to heart, even gave him the option to walk away from the marriage and still he continued to lie. I can honestly say it was the toughest year of my life and I'll never trust a living soul again. You need to make it clear your not happy with the current arrangement, looking after 4 children alone is hard work with zero support!

I have a partner who works away from home although only during the week. It’s very hard for both. My OH says he finds it hard working away from the family and I resent it to a degree as also work FT with two kids at home. However my initial thought was another woman... if not that then a huge lack of respect for his wife and family. Maybe at the very least he needs a shock maybe you shouldn’t have him home until he rethinks how he is treating you. Very hard on the kids and yourself but they will be able to tell how upset you are. I really hope you manage to work it out. Have u tried counselling? It might help put it in perspective to him? Xxx

Thank you everyone for the advice.☺️ No he doesn’t really drink when he’s home,he had 2 nights out the last time over 10 weeks, although each time he did get far too drunk and it ended up in an argument.He doesn’t drink in the house though,which annoys me sometimes because he I’d rather he would sit and have a drink with me rather than getting legless when he does go out.I feel under a huge amount of stress with it all and haven’t really opened up to anyone else about it.He FaceTimed tonight only because I told him how unfair it was on the kids and how they’d love to see him.I don’t trust him one bit and feel like I don’t really know him anymore.He still doesn’t think he’s got anything to be sorry for.We go round in circles,he promises he’ll change,I believe him then he does the same again.

We’ve not tried counselling but definitely something I would like to try.

I would be absolutely fuming that he could spare some time out of his precious day to talk to me while he was sober. How does he get any work don't if he spend so much time out drinking!

He finishes at 5 most nights and also gets days off.Just upsets me that when he does get a day off he’d rather spend it drinking.

Is he very tense and ratty when he's at home? I ask because people who have a drinking problem can sometimes stay off it when they are really motivated but it's an enormous effort and they are very hard work.

It's probably a remote possibility but I thought I'd ask.

You asked how anyone else would feel. I'd be furious and making it very clear that he either pulls his socks up or the marriage is on the rocks. He's being very selfish and unkind, both to you and your DC.

He can be sometimes,I’d never thought of that,definitely can’t have just a couple whe he does have a drink,always has to get really drunk.He just tells me that no one else’s wife minds and I said how do you know?! He thinks I’m being unreasonable,doesn’t think it should affect me when he’s not at home anyway.Glad to know others would feel the same.