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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Meeting someone new after abusive relationship

9 replies

Beachball32 · 29/04/2019 12:53

Thank you all who responded to my previous post a few weeks ago. In a nutshell I was being used/abused and I walked away.

I met a guy online and he took me out to dinner last week. He treated me with respect, insisted on paying for dinner and was actually interested in me as a person. We had a quick kiss at the end of the night. The day after he invited me to dinner- I stopped the night and we just cuddled all night. Since then he’s wanting to see me constantly. It sounds silly but I’m terrified he’s going to use/abuse me and I’m keeping him at a distance.
There’s been (what I think as) a red flag. He got divorced last year after a five year marriage. His ex wife has a non molestation order against him claiming coercive control. He was upfront about this and says she made the allegations up because she had a drink problem/was mentally unstable. He had a short relationship before me- apparently his ex wife got in touch with her via Facebook. He doesn’t know what was said but his new girlfriend ended things with him immediately citing ‘too much baggage’. He also has a five year old daughter with his ex wife that he’s been granted weekend access to.
The way he acts is spot on, however he’s a bit ‘full on’. When I stopped the night he held me ALL night- now I’m not used to be treated with affection/kindness so it’s very unsettling. He has said he wants a relationship with me and wants to show me how it is to be treated properly (he says I look like a startled rabbit most of the time because I’m so nervous- I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD). He wants to take me to brunch, he wants to wine/dine me and admits he wears his heart on his sleeve...he’s even tried giving me a key to his house but he barely knows me? He’s a soldier and has PTSD too. Should I be wary that he’s rushing things? He met and married his wife very quickly and admits he’s lonely and wants companionship....Please advise...I’m terrified that he might become abusive/controlling xx

OP posts:
OldUnit · 29/04/2019 12:59

Run.

tryinganotherusername · 29/04/2019 13:02

I think you should listen to your instincts, they seem to be sending you a clear message.....RUN!!

Wadingthroughshit · 29/04/2019 13:14

Someone is telling you and showing you who they really are, please listen. I believe in second chances...but it doesn't sound as though this man has made any effort to work on himself. You are absolutely right to be wary, these are big huge massive red flags. I would steer clear, work on yourself and get well. It sounds as though this man could trigger severe PTSD symptoms if given a chance.

Happynow001 · 29/04/2019 13:18

This is all moving very quickly OP and you're obviously uncomfortable with that because of your previous abusive relationship and also for this very full-on "love bombing" from this new guy.

I'm afraid I'd back away and take this much more slowly- if I went ahead at all. A non-molestation order is a pretty serious thing to have hanging over your head... and he also has PTSD?

There are too many questions I'm afraid.

BeUpStanding · 29/04/2019 13:49

Run. He's covered in red flags.

PicsInRed · 29/04/2019 13:57

Just reading that gave me the heebie jeebies.
He's grooming you like one of the Queen's horses.

Run run run. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

AsleepAllDay · 29/04/2019 14:32

The non molestation order for coercive control is the biggest flag, I'm afraid. She would have had to deceive the police and the courts to get that, which is very unlikely

Being treated nicely on your first dates is the minimum. Baggage of violent and difficult relationships is a warning sign, I'm afraid. He will be seeing that you are vulnerable and trusting and playing you like a fiddle. Please block and cut him off

AsleepAllDay · 29/04/2019 14:35

The key and the wanting to have a relationship and make so many plans this fast is the other and more subtle red flags.

Once again, please trust your instincts. They're tingling because you are spotting the signs of abuse again. Don't second guess yourself that he's just a nice man and really keen. He's doing too much too soon. He'll be asking you to move in next week - too rushed. He doesn't know you. Anyone else would have boundaries

OurChristmasMiracle · 29/04/2019 14:37

I would run. Any decent kind good-intentioned man would understand that you wish to take things slowly.

I did meet someone after I left my ex husband who was abusive but I spent a chunk of time single and worked on myself. My current partner has never rushed me or wanted to push my boundaries. I was honest that I wanted to take things slowly and he has always respected that.

It may be worth doing the freedom programme and some counselling. Flowers

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