ExH had ONS whilst we're still living together. How can I stop this from hurting?

[dublinruth]

Changed a couple of minor details as ex knows I'm on here and has snooped me on here before.

My husband and I agreed to separate six weeks ago. We're still living together and trying to be amicable for the sake of my children from a previous relationship.

Except last week he stayed out all night and didn't come home. No explanation about where he was, although when I asked him, his answers just don't stack up. He slept somewhere other than here and won't tell me where, denies he slept anywhere.

I'm just so angry and hurt and disgusted. It's making it really fucking hard to be civil. Please can I have a handhold and any breakup advice?

I'm tempted to go and have some rebound sex myself but I know that's probably not the right answer!

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You can’t stop it from hurting but you can use it as a spur to start separating yourself from him emotionally and financially.

Well, you have agreed to separate, so whilst you're angry, it really isn't your business what he does, where he goes or who he is with.

Just focus on getting yourself out of there. Make a clean break and move on.

OP, your post makes no sense.

So your exH, had a ONS (in your head) no proof and your angry with him??

I don’t think this has anything to do with you as you agreed to separate.

What has made you leap to the ONS conclusion?

You are separated. It's no longer your business and you shouldn't be questioning him.

I'm in the same situation. What I do is my business and I told my ex that, I also said it's the same for him and if he makes plans, I don't ask questions as it's none of my business.

It's none of your business really and he doesn't owe you any explanations. Continuing to live together clearly isn't working and it'd probably be better for everyone involved if he moved out sooner rather than later.

This doesn't sound amicable at all to me. How soon can he move out?

If you are split, you don't get a say in what he does, but it doesn't stop it hurting.
I'd be either having him move out or you move out as fast as possible.

He's going in two weeks thank god.

Ok, I'm being unreasonable evidently. To my mind, you just don't bloody do that! I wouldn't dream of going out and just not coming back all night, leaving my ex to wonder where I was and who I was with. I think it's a really cruel thing to do a few weeks after a split. But seems I'm in the minority.

I agree that if you have agreed to split then you can't really have any say in what he is doing, if you had split and he had moved out at the same time you wouldn't have any say. I get the feeling you still love him and are more gutted in your heart he has had a one night stand. Unfortunately I don't agree he is being cruel by not keeping you in the loop on his movements. He's a free agent to do as he pleases. Hope you get the strength to move on soon x

I understand him being with someone might be hard, 6 weeks isnt long. But you have no idea if he has slept, with anyone. You are convincing your self and driving yourself mad.

However, i would not have dreamed telling exh where I was after we split but before I moved out. We soteed what nights we were responsible for the kids. As long as we were there for our nights, it wasnt the others business.

I'm going against the tide here, but I know I would be feeling the same. It only 6 weeks in, and you're still in the same house. *If that's what he actuait's disrespectful, at the very least.

My H recently said he wanted a trial separation and said he didn't know what that entailed. I researched it and sent him the links. One important thing I got out of all of it was that there need to be agreed-upon rules in place to make it work. Especially if remaining in the same house. One thing was agreement about dating and sex.

Some of the concerns would be different in a trial separation than for yours, but no matter what kind of separation, no dating and no sex while still living in the same house would be non-negotiable for me.

Since you didn't set up guidelines about that, and you both want to be amicable, perhaps you could come to an agreement now. Maybe he'd agree for you both to put a hold on any dating or sex until you no longer under the same roof. For the sake of the kids, at least.
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It is cruel and shit and you must be gutted. YANBU to feel the way you do. However you’ve split up and The Rules Of Breaking Up dictate you must now say and do nothing about this. Clearly he’s an inconsiderate shit head with no finer feelings but if he was a decent man who held himself to a high standard presumably you’d not want to be splitting with him.

I can totally understand you feeling upset but as others have said he hasn't actually done anything wrong. I split up with someone and we lived in the same house together for a while until I could sort out somewhere else. I did sleep with someone else and frankly that was none of ex's business.

He doesn't need to keep you updated other than of you specifically agreed he'd be there for the DC that night.

I'm going against the tide here, but I know I would be feeling the same. It only 6 weeks in, and you're still in the same house. If that's what he actually done, it's probably feels disrespectful.

I recently researched trial separation. One important thing was that there need to be agreed-upon rules in place. Especially if remaining in the same house. Some of the concerns for yours would be different than with a trial separation, of course.

Since you didn't set up guidelines but you both want to remain amicable, perhaps you could come to an agreement now. Maybe he'd agree for you both to put a hold on any dating or sex until you no longer under the same roof. For the sake of the kids, at least.
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Technically you're both free agents though as you've separated? I know it seems like shitty behaviour but it's not as if he cheated.

I'm torn on this one. I can't say you're wrong to feel the way you do because feelings aren't rational and you can't help them.

However, he could have been anywhere and it could have been totally "innocent". It also might be his way of dealing with the break up. You do need to stop questioning him though because if he's a bit of a knob he probably enjoys the power of not telling you what you want to know.

I have a feeling this will be unpopular on mumsnet but when I've split up with anyone I like to get out there asap, not dating but just like rebound sex I suppose! It just makes me feel better!

I don't think it's so clear cut that just because you have agreed to separate you have no say in what he does. Good manners would dictate in my mind that if he chooses to have a ONS, he should be utterly discrete about it and make it impossible for you to suspect/know about. And that should continue as long as you are under the same roof, because otherwise he's just unnecessarily rubbing your nose in it. There are children involved and it is not impossible to teach them what a civilised, respectful break up looks like.

because otherwise he's just unnecessarily rubbing your nose in it.

He could be an arse who's deliberately rubbing her nose in it or he could just have had an opportunity come up and the last thing on his mind was soon to be ex or he could just be like a few of us who really think it's none of the ex's business. That doesn't mean he is rubbing her nose in it though. I certainly wasn't when I did it, I just wasn't concerned about how he felt.

It would be pretty awful to be on the receiving end admittedly but that doesn't necessarily make him wrong.

I just wasn't concerned about how he felt.

And there you have it. If you aren't concerned about how he feels, how will you have a civilised, respectful breakup?

Of course some people prefer drama, some have no restraint, some have no manners.

I'm tempted to go and have some rebound sex myself.

He’s an Ex and therefore you are allowed to have sex with other people.

The highly emotive language you’ve used suggests you are having great difficulties accepting the realities of being separated. Out of curtesy he could of let you know if he was staying out all night, but where and with whom, is none of your business. Hopefully, him moving out will help you accept the realities of being separated.

I’m sorry it’s hurting. Life can be a bitch sometimes.

Don’t be too surprised if it turns out he is seeing someone and has been for a while...

Yes he’s a ‘free agent’ now & can do as he pleases, but knowing that doesn’t stop it hurting.

What is the plan re your children? Will he still be in ‘Dad’ role or not be around for them? It’s difficult isn’t it.

At least you know when he’s moving out, quite a few posters are stuck living together long term after they separate

The same thing happened to me recently.
I found out my fiancé has cheated on me whilst I was pregnant and after our baby was born. I was heartbroken and although I tried for 3 months I couldn't make it work.

I told him to keep the house whilst I found somewhere else to live. At this point he spent the whole time getting drunk and would sometimes ask to sleep in the same bed. I cried all the time and he saw that and did nothing.

One night I was staying with family and I don't know why but I hugged him and cried on his shoulder for 10 minutes.

That night he went out and had a ONS - with our neighbour.

This hurt me more than finding out about the previous times. I think is disrespectful and disgusting, ex or not.

If there are still feelings involved there's nothing worse than hearing about your ex with someone new and when youre living under the same roof it's obvious your going to know about it.

It's not nice and I understand how your feeling. But don't worry, time is a healer and you'll be ok before you know it! X

Oh and advice to you. Firstly maybe you need to figure out living separately. Whilst he's still living with you, you're life is almost on hold. You need to move on too.

I reached out to a few old friends who had similar experiences and I found sharing stories with them really helped.

I tried going on a dating site and realised I am no where near ready for that yet so don't worry if you're not too.

And I just get out as much as I can. I have a lot of friends and I just go round for dinner, a brew, just anything to get out.

I also lost weight (because I can't eat) and got my hair done. Haha I don't know, just a nice positive change if you're feeling low.

X

@lools192 thank you so much. All really good advice. I'm not ready to move on from him but I am ready to see my friends more and get out as much as I can.

I will definitely be doing the same as you and taking more care of myself - have booked to go and have my eyebrows and nails done this weekend.

And perhaps in time I'll be ready for a friend with benefits or something along those lines.