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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU - please some perspectives

18 replies

MuchaToDoAbout · 29/04/2019 10:53

DP and I have been together for 10 years and have no children (he has an adult child from a previous relationship). Earlier this year I became pregnant whilst taking the contraceptive pill and due to context we made the decision to terminate the pregnancy. Unfortunately this is the second time that this has happened during the course of our relationship. It is not the easiest thing to go through and most recently resulted in some really unpleasant physical complications. Further to this last incident we agreed that we would be doubly careful when being intimate and that DP would 'pull out' as he did not wish to use a condom (I am currently taking a different pill and am also on a waiting list for tubal ligation so this is not a long term measure). Anyway yesterday we were intimate and he did not pull out. I have subsequently taken the emergency pill as a precautionary measure. He has apologised (after initially telling me that I should have reminded him) and I have tried to be rational as he has previously had difficulty with delayed ejaculation so perhaps he did forget but I can't help but feel that he has been really irresponsible. If I am honest with myself this has just compounded my long standing feelings that DP does something which has consequences and I am left to sort whatever the consequences are out. There is a long backstory which I won't bore you with but please could you tell me in relation to this specific incident am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 29/04/2019 10:55

No you are not and I would think twice before having sex with him again

MissConductUS · 29/04/2019 11:01

YANBU. He should have reminded you? Really? Like he didn't know what was about to happen?

Condoms from now on. No glove, no love. Or he can get a vasectomy.

Daffodil2018 · 29/04/2019 11:03

He needs to get the snip.

AnemoneAnenome · 29/04/2019 11:03

Of course you're not being unreasonable. I would also be rethinking having sex with him until you have reliable contraception sorted.

Neither of you are being massively responsible relying on withdrawal anyway, but that does not make it OK that he did that.

MuchaToDoAbout · 29/04/2019 11:04

Thanks both. It has definitely 'put me off' us having sex. Condom or no condom. To be honest due to recent events I wasn't really in the mood to begin with but this has just magnified things.

OP posts:
MuchaToDoAbout · 29/04/2019 11:05

@AnemoneAnemone I would never rely solely on withdrawal I am also taking the pill but no longer have much trust in it. Sorry if this was unclear.

OP posts:
AnemoneAnenome · 29/04/2019 11:08

Totally my mistake, I do apologise. Still 100% YANBU.

Summersunsareglowing · 29/04/2019 11:14

You both agreed to use the withdrawal method (however you need to remember that isn't a safe method of contraception either) and he 'forgot' to.

It wasn't your fault he forgot but you are both being irresponsible in relying on the withdrawal method. If the method is used perfectly it is only 96% safe and it is probably unlikely everyone does use it perfectly.

joystir59 · 29/04/2019 11:22

You have had two abortions which must have had a big impact on your physically and probably mentally and emotionally- was it your choice to undergo them or did he coerce you? And since then he doesn't want to wear a condom. He sounds selfish and irresponsible. I would be considering ending this relationship OP rather than putting myself and my body through more trauma whilst he walks off Scott free from situations.

PlinkPlink · 29/04/2019 11:50

Right, so not only is it your responsibility to remember a pill daily but it's also your responsibility to remind him to fucking pull out?!

I would be fuming OP.

You know what this is? This is a man who thinks "I dont have to bother because I'm not the one who will get pregnant", absolving him of all responsibility.

I agree with PP that you should not have sex unless you have a condom. If he wants it that much, he can fucking put it on and remember HIMSELF!! You are not his mother!

I get angry at this stuff. Not at you OP but at him. It was the not wanting to put a condom on and then blaming you for him not pulling out. He's totally okay with you going through traumatic abortions (emotionally and physically) apparently - are you okay with that?

Hanab · 29/04/2019 11:53

He needs to have the snip!
How many times is he going to be irresponsible and then want you to terminate?

AvengersAssemble · 29/04/2019 11:54

To be blunt stop having sex until your DP grows up, puts a condom on and stops putting the pressure all on you to sort contraception out. This is just utterly irresponsible and selfish of him OP.

Bluestitch · 29/04/2019 11:56

So you've been through two terminations with physical complications and he still won't even put a condom on? I don't understand why you are even still with someone who would put their pleasure over your physical and mental health, let alone be having sex with him.

MuchaToDoAbout · 29/04/2019 12:00

Once again, thank you for the replies. I just want to make clear that the terminations were my choice (certainly not coerced or particularly wanted by DP, although he was supportive). My decisions were, in context, what was best for any resulting life and whilst unfortunate I do not hold him accountable for what I went through in the process.

I am currently taking pill based contraception and the pulling out was an agreed secondary measure until I have my op for tubal ligation.

OP posts:
MuchaToDoAbout · 29/04/2019 12:09

I do agree that he has been irresponsible though and will be making it clear that I will no longer tolerate this 'I will leave my mess for you to clear up' pattern of behaviour in our relationship. Complicating this is that DP suffers with MH difficulties and whilst outwardly high functioning this has had a huge impact on our relationship. Physically speaking he has only recently been able to engage in intercourse again after struggling with side effects of anti depressant medication.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 29/04/2019 12:11

long standing feelings that DP does something which has consequences and I am left to sort whatever the consequences are out
It is miserable when they are not on your team.

Stiffasaboard · 29/04/2019 12:15

He is taking zero responsibility for contraception
Happy for you to be on the pill and have a general anaesthetic to have sterilisation and yet also expects you to remind him to withdraw

I wouldn’t be having with sex with someone who refuses a condom after I’d been through the stress of two terminations

Also he has a child already he can have a vasectomy. Easier and quicker than female
Sterilisation.

He’s being selfish and doesn’t care about you if his comfort regarding condoms is less important that your risks of a further unwanted pregnancy

That would end things for me

MuchaToDoAbout · 29/04/2019 12:50

@ravenmum, yes it is. I'm sorry if you are in a similar situation.

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