My insecurities are getting the better of me

[ikkledudette]

I have been dating a guy for about 2 months. Our feelings grew fairly intense, very quickly. I’ve never felt this way about a guy before. We are both fairly recently separated. I had lived with essentially my best friend for a number of years and his wife left him after having an emotional affair.

His ex-wife had a bit a wobble after he told her he was dating. He told her as they work together as and didn’t want her to hear it from mutual friends, not to rub it in her face or anything like that. She asked questions like did he ever love her – even though she emotionally cheated on him and then instigated the separation. He has assured her that that we are not rushing for me to meet their DD who is nearly 5 years old and their DS who is 10 months old.

I really like this guy and see us really making something of it, but I can’t help but let my insecurities get in the way of what could be an amazing relationship. I don’t have children, so am looking for some advice and some insight to how people have navigated this dynamic. I will never expect to come in front of his children – which I am emotionally mature enough to understand and accept. However, I’m not sure about how involved his ex-wife will be in our relationship. Having a look through Facebook, you can see that they appeared to be a perfect couple. I know social media is never a true representation and they were obviously not perfect as they’re no longer together – but I can’t help but wonder if our relationship will compare. How do I stop myself thinking this way?

I have asked him about the possibility of them reconciling and he’s assured me it won’t happen and again, I can’t help but wonder for the sake of the kids. I hate myself for thinking this way and I’m creating problems which don’t exist.

You are both recently separated. Is he divorced?
His ex-wife will always be the mother of his children, so he will probably be in regular contact with her for at least the next 15 years.
Your insecurity is understandable but I'd take it as a cue to take a step back from the relationship.

Neither of us are divorced. I believe he divorce proceedings start next year for him and mine will be the following year.

I understand she will be a part of his life. I feel that perhaps I have become too invested too quickly and am thinking too far ahead rather than focusing on the now.

All too much and too soon. You’re both probably raw. I think this is more gut instinct than insecurity

I agree with everyone who is saying you don't sound ready for this. Add to that that neither of you seems in a rush to start divorce proceedings and that his youngest is 10m old, and it all feels too heavy.

Way too much too soon. You’ve both very recently broken up with significant relationships and are now diving headfirst into another before either of you have recovered.

I would take a massive step back and just relax. Does it have to be all or nothing? You sound like you need to focus on yourself for a while before getting back into a relationship. None of this sounds healthy.

As they have young children together, he and his ex-wife will be in contact for many, many years to come. For example, in future they may attend things like their DC's school plays, parents' evenings and birthday parties together, and depending on the situation you may or may not be invited along (or you may choose not to go). If you can't cope with that, better to end the relationship now I think.

It's not easy being a stepmum - just read a few of the posts on the MN step parenting board! Are you sure you're up for it?

These are the key things to focus on I think. Them getting back together isn't worth worrying about - I'm not saying it's impossible that they will, but that could be true for any relationship if your new partner has a significant ex.

These are not insecurities, they are the vocalisation of the risks that are likely to happen by getting involved with someone who is newly separated, has very young children and works with their ex.

They are ticking a lot of boxes in the factors likely to result in a rekindling of their relationship. That might not be more than the odd fumble but it could be an attempt to get back together again.

You are 2 months in and whilst the feelings are intense a lot of that is down to infatuation. You don’t really know much about this man and whether he is right for you. That’s what you need to explore over the next 6-12 months. The same applies to him, even more so because he has children and is newly separated. His priority will be to ensure his children feel secure and stable. Your involvement will not help this not matter how wonderful a person you are. They don’t need you in their lives and you could well disrupt any security they now feel.

Enjoy dating and getting to know him but be cautious of the fact he is unlikely to be over his marriage or have come to terms with the separation. His children definitely won’t be in that place for at least a year or two.

Slow down. You barely know him, 2 months is nothing and falling fast and hard for someone is not always the basis for something which will last.
Enjoy dating. Enjoy getting to know him. Forget everything else for now

Me and my exH appeared to be the perfect couple on social media. We weren't. Don't compare.

Thank you for your replies. How do I back off and slow myself down?

How do you slow down? It's ok to be intense when you see him, but you work hard to make sure there are lots of other things going on in your life. You cut down on the number of times per week that you meet him. You make a conscious effort to maintain your other friendships on the nights that you might otherwise have spent with him, so that you're not so dependent on him alone to make you feel happy and fulfilled. Maybe take up a sport or hobby you've always been interested in. You refuse to have any kind of "shall we move in together?" conversation for at least a year.