Man in a loveless marriage

[samblack]

Hi everyone, sorry this is difficult for me.

I am a man in my early forties, always been useless at relationships etc, partly due to long-term health problems.

In my thirties I finally met someone, via friends, and married her. I provided a safe home for herself and her daughter, and we later had two children of our own.

However it’s now become increasingly clear there is no love in our marriage, and I wonder if I was played for a fool all along. Incidentally, when I met my wife, my work colleagues found it literally laughable that anyone would be interested in me, and perhaps I should have listened to them.

My wife has no interest in any physical interaction at all, and now even refuses to put kisses (x) in text messages! She is constantly belittling me and criticising things I do. I don’t claim to be perfect but I don’t think I am anywhere near as critical of her as she is of me.

She says she is depressed, but she refuses to see a doctor about it.

The only time she seems happy is when she is with her mother or elder daughter. At those occasions I feel really weird. I have always been one of life’s observers (not participants) anyway, but it’s strange and upsetting to feel that way at my own family gatherings.

I love my own children and my stepdaughter and they love me. But I wonder if they would all be better off without me - that is, separated from their mother.

As I said I am completely inept at relationships anyway, so it’s particularly difficult for me to see what to do next.

Thanks for reading!

Every person deserves happiness. If your wife withholds physical affection, your marriage is in trouble. So the question is, would you be happier living apart from your wife? Only you know the answer to that question.

If the answer is yes, ensure you remain in your children’s lives, including your stepdaughter.

Maybe you should sit your wife down and ask her if she would like a divorce. That will mean selling the home she lives in, she will have to start providing for herself more and if she is that unhappy give her the out she wants.
It seems to me that she is quite ungrateful - maybe offering her a divorce will give her a wake up call?

Please never think that your family, in particularly your children, would be better off without you. It sounds to me like you might really benefit from some counselling in real life. You sound quite isolated and if you are in a loveless marriage, that in itself is damaging and possibly abusive.

Perhaps ring Relate and see if you can get an appointment, on your own initially, to explore where you are in your marriage and how to move forward.

I am so sorry you are feeling like this and going through this. Please find whatever support you can and I wish you well. Your happiness is just as important as anybody else's.

I am sorry that you are feeling this way, and dealing with this. I agree with PP that perhaps counselling could be a useful way in which to explore your current situation, feelings and options.

Have you spoken clearly with your wife about how you are feeling and communicated that in order for you to remain together you want and need things to change?

From what you have written your wife sounds ungrateful, disconnected and not present in your marriage. You mention that she says she is depressed but will not access support. This is irresponsible on her part. If she is depressed she may well be finding it difficult to 'connect', both with you and herself. However it is her responsibility to take steps to address this. Has she been told that in regards to her MH, she has your support?

Have things always been like this? If not, then was the change gradual or abrupt?

Your wife sounds very unhappy in the marriage and it's clear that you don't understand why. I'm not normally a fan of couples counselling but I would suggest it might be useful for you both.

I sympathise with you but there are two people in a marriage. You say you provide a safe home for her, and she has given you children, a loving relationship also needs lots of emotional participation from both parties.

Devil's advocate here.

Instead of saying she is belittling & criticising how about you really try to listen harder to what she wants. And try to do better. My husband is useless at housework. I have to ask him to help. He does as he's told but then does it badly. If I try to explain why it's ridiculous to hoover and then dust he will accuse me of constantly criticising.

Also don't expect sex. Don't think that just because you are married and in bed together that you have some sort of right to sex. Think of how you have treated your wife that evening. If you've been sat on your arse watching TV and virtually ignoring her then why would she suddenly be in the mood? Likewise Don't think that just because you hugged her that you've done enough for her to 'put out' . It is a total turn off to have that weight of expectation and pressure on you. Hug her and kiss her and massage her because you love her and you love her body. Not because you want to have sex. Once she realises that your intentions are not always self serving she might be attracted to you again.

Ok, there are separate issues here. Your issues with your wife are different to those with your children.

You are allowed to leave an unhappy relationship at any time. You do not need permission from anyone to do so.

You are not, however, allowed to walk out of being a parent. You brought those kids into the world and you owe it to them to be the best dad you can be. That means being practical and hands-on, not being 'one of life's observers'. Whether you like it or not, you're in the thick of this situation and you need to be the Dad they deserve.