Hi all. Where to start? A bit of background...been with my DH 17 years, married for 12, one 2 yo DD.
My DH has suffered bouts of depression since he was in his early 20s, and 20 years later he has gone into quite a serious depression whereby he's suicidal. He has been to the GP, had A&E visits and is currently waiting for counselling.
I am pretty sure that part of the reason for his depression is because of how our lives have changed since the arrival of our LO. I had PND after she was born but I pretty much got through it without much understanding from him. I got myself help and have been able to recover.
However, since learning of DH's depression I can feel myself slipping into misery and I am tearful a lot. I recently started working full time and I work 3 days a week doing 12 hour shifts. It has been hard to adjust to working again but for the most part I enjoy it. Recently though another member of my team at work has started being weird with me. She hardly speaks to me except to criticise me or pick at the way I'm doing something. I work closely with her when we work together so it's difficult to keep away from her or ignore her. I can't take this matter to our manager because at the moment I don't have enough to complain about. She makes me dread going in to work though, and I start wishing I'd never taken the job. I am not the most confident person, so my stress is heightened all day. This all compounds how I'm feeling generally and coping with my DH whom I worry about all the time.
The trouble is that I am finding it very hard to support him through this depression because I am not emotionally strong enough. I have tried, but he just doesn't listen to me, nothing I say makes any difference to him, I might as well not bother even speaking to him. He says he just wants to be distracted by "normal" conversation, ie, not about how he's feeling, but when he's moping about and looking sullen and a face like thunder, it is hard not to ask if he's feeling down. It's even harder to have a light hearted conversation. I just find myself getting frustrated and angry instead of being supportive. Then I feel guilty for starting an argument.
In fact I feel guilty for building a life with him that he finds so unbearable. Part of his depression is due to work stress but I feel guilty about that too because he has to be a bread winner for us. I sometimes find myself wishing he'd just leave us so I could concentrate on being a mum to our LO. Sometimes I even wish he'd just get on with killing himself and rid me of the burden. I know that sounds dreadful but these are thoughts that enter my head.
We have had lots of ups and downs in our relationship and lots of arguments in the last few years. I just feel totally distant from him at times. At first when I found out he was suicidal I was really overwhelmed and kissed and cuddled him so much, told him I was there for him, that I love him etc but now I feel frustrated. I don't bother saying I love him or look shocked when he says awful things because it makes no difference at all whatever I do/say.
If anyone has any advice it would be very much appreciated.