Can this marriage be saved?

[blackbird95]

So...my DH of 5 years (together for 10) moved out several months ago after saying he 'didn't know what he wanted', thought that maybe he wanted to be single again, thought we'd drifted apart, etc etc, the usual stuff they say, I guess. When repeatedly questioned, was adamant there is no OW, he still loves me, but isn't sure 'this is the future'. Mentioned wanting to travel, maybe change what he does for a living, etc.

For context, we have no children, and are in our early thirites, having married in our late twenties. It would be fair to say that our relationship had been uneven throughout our twenties - we both had to come to terms with difficult childhoods, both had some career upheavals, and DH was generally an anxious sort of person for a long time, finding it difficult to be relaxed and present.

After we married, I thought things were really improving. He made a great success of a business venture, and was becoming much more relaxed and mature; I was really enjoying spending time with him; I got a good job that I enjoy doing - we were settling into a nice family routine. I didn't pick up any negative signals from him until quite recently. Just before Xmas, he became quite restless, often going off for long walks, impatient, defensive - all things that he can be and has been in the past, but I had thought he had learned to work on, or grown out of.

I know it could an OW, but I would be very, very surprised if it is. He has kept in regular contact (he has initiated it not I, I have maintained as much dignity and distance as possible), has taken me to dinner, and days out on weekends (which would be very odd if he was with someone else). He is still financially supporting me. But he also behaves in ways that are absurd and I wouldn't have tolerated from a boyfriend when I was 21 - there are now 'rules' about not holding hands, and generally he's blowing hot and cold. I really think it's some sort of an early MLC - not that that makes his behaviour less hurtful. I haven't asked him about whether he wants to come back/permanently separate, as I want it to come from him, and, frankly, am quite tired of the drama (there were many 'conversations' before he moved out and none of them were good tbh, just him saying crazy self-absorbed things about his life path or whatever).

WWYD? And if you have been in this situation, did you reunite with your DH, did it work out? I don't want to end it, though do understand at some point may have to if it carries on like this. I do love him, but don't want to go through anything like this ever again, and am now wondering whether he's just the sort of person who will always seek out crises? Any experience with restless partners settling down?

So he's getting the best of both worlds? He gets to talk to you when HE fancies, have 'dates' when HE fancies, all the comforts of being with you, while doing what he wants, when he wants. He could easily have an ow. Just cos he's making sure you aren't able to move on doesn't mean there isn't someone else. Even if there isn't he's picking you up and dropping you at HIS convenience. Hardly loving gestures!

Why is he financially supporting you? The first thing you need to do is start taking responsibility for yourself. And not just financially. Take responsibility for allowing him to drag this out. For living on hope that totally depends on his choices, his decision, his wants, his needs. What about yours?

You're being so passive and nice about him and his bloody navel gazing life path. He's fucking walked out on his marraige, on you, and thinks you should hang around while he takes time to decide if he moves on or back in. Ffs. It's been several months! And you're still pandering and hoping. While he's off finding his life path and not giving a fuck that your heart is slowly breaking more and more......

Tell him to either fuck of with his pretending to be friends or commit.

He sounds awful! He can take you out but not hold hands? You don't think there's an OW but you can never be sure?

OP my sister had a so called DH like that. He would be out all night like an alley cat and he would blow hot and cold and they separated for a bit, he came back but never changed

His heart isn't really in this, is it? He has you where he wants you and can keep you on tenterhooks waiting for him to return

What's the point of going out on dates? Give him an ultimatum, either he shapes up or ships out

I know it is hard - very hard - but he is taking the piss and you are letting him diminish you in the hope that he'll one day be your husband again. He's very manipulative

No no no you can't let hm call all the shots. He comes and goes as he likes and you're left in this weird limbo.

Why is he supporting you financially? Can you cope if he stopped? You deserve better than this and as hard as a clean break would be it would be so much better than your current situation where you're expected to wait around for hm to get his head straight. Take back control.

He is still financially supporting me.
If you don't have children and still in your 30's why is financially supporting you? Do you mean the mortgage and bills? Do you/are you able to work? Would you be able to support yourself if the split was permanent?

How odd. The not holding hands thing makes me consider two things: Either there is another woman and he's juggling you both but physical contact feels wrong on some level because of this. Or, He feels tied down or held back by you, hence the restless need to do something different and literally not be held by your hand. This could be the dynamics in your relationship, or it could be inate within him, that he can't be in a commited relationship without feeling held back.
Will he do counselling to enable you both to understand and move on together or apart?

A member of my extended family was in a similar situation. They didn't have kids either and it was his 2nd marriage and her 1st. They were amazing together and it shocked everyone. He decided he didn't know what he was anymore, the inference being that he had either gender or sexuality issues. He moved out but they stayed the best of friends throughout. He changed his job and then found someone else, another woman after all. He has since remarried and moved half way across the country. He is very happy. Family member had to come to terms with it.

I don't know if it was a mid-life crisis or just him suddenly finding everything about his life boring. They got on great, went out to concerts and travelling and did loads of exciting things on a regular basis as well as just walking, enjoying their pets and spending time with family. No rows, nothing. Maybe their life was just too perfect and he needed some peaks and troughs? Who knows? Great people, both of them.

Thanks for your replies, all. Hdh747 - that's very insightful, thanks. I did also think the not holding hands is significant, as we've also been very touchy feely and love physical affection. I have raised the question of therapy with him, he sometimes says he probably will, and other times says he already knows his issues. Stubborn, I guess.

To everyone who's asking why he's financially supporting me - well, he is my husband still, he earns more than me, our rent is expensive. If he stopped, I would be ok, but just - I work, I just don't earn very much. He said before leaving he didn't want me to worry about finances on top of the situation.
In terms of not waiting and taking back control - I don't sit around waiting for him, I do have a life of my own, I just would prefer him in it.

Sorry meant to write *we've always been touchy feely

Thanks Summersun - this is a very interesting story. I have thought (before all this happened, obvs) that I was lucky to be in a relationship based on seeing eye to eye and friendship, rather than just initial passion, then 'oh no, we have nothing in common/incompatible' etc. Maybe he does just find that boring and wants more drama? I know I absolutely do not, beyond the occasional necessary clearing of the air. I do feel that I have changed in the last couple of years - become a lot calmer, ready to just enjoy life without too many complications. Maybe that's boring to him.

@blackbird95 sorry but he's the classically emotionally unavailable man. I have dated them before and they can have a wonderful relationship with you but still be churning on the inside because of his own issues.

All that talk - I'm so messed up, I don't know what I want - maybe with an occasional detour into 'you're so much better than me, I don't deserve you' - it's all guff

You know what you want: the marriage. He shouldn't be able to come and go as he wants to pick up husband duty when it suits and disappear when it doesn't.

I know that you love him but this man has no motivation to actually address and work on his problems. He wants the world to change, not himself.

He sounds very impressed with himself and his problems. If I were you I would be preparing my ultimatum. I wouldn't want a part time love and it sounds like you actually don't either.