I’m struggling to get rid of the feelings I have involving my ex. Nothing romantic or involving love, all negative. I really want to draw a line and move on with my life.
We have one DC, and we’ve been on and off since I was pregnant, now off permanently. I’m only just starting to realise how controlling and manipulative he is.
For example: When I was pregnant (high risk pregnancy) he would constantly undermine and invalidate how I felt - I was upset after my scan which revealed there were some quite serious problems, I reached out to him for support and he ended up telling me I needed to control my feelings better as they weren’t his responsibility. After this he ignored me for a couple of days, then resumed as if nothing bad had happened. No apology or accountability. This pattern repeated throughout our relationship, in so many ways. Any feeling or emotion I had which he didn’t approve of would result in some kind of punishment/lack of affection/silent treatment.
I tried to leave him when DC was born, but he told me it was us as a family together or nothing. So I felt like I had to constantly walk on eggshells or DC wouldn’t have a father. He also told me if that happened, he would fight me for custody and tell DC I had sent him away. He followed through with this last year and went NC with us for months. Then came back and promised he’d changed etc - for a few months things were lovely but then the same cracks started showing.
He hasn’t paid any money toward DC & has dodged CMS. I also found out via CMS that he has other children he kept secret from everyone. I tried to contact his family to give them the opportunity to know DC, and he told them I was insane and making it up.
If I ever say no to him trying to have sex with me, he is really pushy and forceful and it scares me. He doesn’t take no for an answer, and it’s easier to just go along with it sometimes as he’s bigger than me and so persistent. He has cheated on me in the past, so I have to get tested each time this happens. He insists he loves me and guilt trips me if I try and speak about anything I’m unhappy with. (I even feel a bit guilty writing this post)
I have a horrible, underlying anxiety every day, which I know is completely because of him. Then I get frustrated with myself for not being able to stop the negative feelings/emotions. I’m scared to block him or try and go NC because I think he would go to court for contact just to spite me, or try and get revenge somehow. I’m also worried about answering DC’s questions when they’re older, about what happened to their dad, and inevitably having to get back in contact with him at their request, which would bring everything up again. His profile popped up on Facebook as a suggested friend recently, and it set off a real pang of anxiety and nausea which I know is ridiculous.
I don’t know how to move on or stop feeling the anxiety and fear around my ex. I’ve begun to accept that a lot of his behaviour was abusive - definitely constantly emotionally abusive - but I feel trapped now we have a life long tie.
Thank you if you made it this far! I’d really appreciate any insight.