‘But I love him’

[Firstmom264]

Hi everyone... I’m posting this on behalf of a friend, she really needs some advice/help. She’s wrote this herself and just asked me to post....
I’ve been in a relationship for nearly a year with a man... he’s 5 years older than me(27) and things are just so complicated. When we first started dating everything was perfect. Until I found out that he was a drug user (weed & cocaine). His behaviour started to change drastically... one day he would shower me with attention and the next day he would be snappy, short tempered nasty and sometimes violent (breaking things, punching walls, gets in my face). We started arguing every week but made up very quickly. Our relationship was going at 100 miles an hour. We were either madly in love or couldn’t stand each other.. there was no in between. He started picking faults with me, calling me names, making me feel very insecure but for some reason it made me want to impress him more and every time he would compliment me I fell for him even more. Recently we’ve had another argument and we haven’t spoken for a few days. I’m constantly looking at my texts waiting for his name to pop up all my friends have told me he’s no good for me and deep down I know we’re not right for each other. Whenever I tell people about his behaviour they always tell me to dump him or walk away and the only thing I can say back is ‘but I love him’. I just don’t know how to pull myself out of this mess. I just wish my feelings could disappear but it hurts so much that he hasn’t text me. Someone please tell me I’m not the only person to fall for someone completely wrong? And how do I stop myself from texting him? How do I just get him out of my head

My response in these situations is always 'imagine that one day in the future your daughter was in this situation, what would you say to her?'

You have to get away from this horrible, abusive man before he causes you any more hurt. You should be with someone who makes you happy every day.

Sounds really like they guy you are seeing. Perhaps you and your friend both need to break free of the druggies.

I was there too OP! I loved him and still do but my love for him almost destroyed me! I walked away from him and blocked his numbers. The literature suggests it takes 90 days of no contact to feel better, I have another 20+ days left, I’m still sad but I am beginning to see that my life without him will be easier.

I am resigned to the fact I will never love anyone else the way that I love him, but love isn’t always enough. I don’t want to spend my lifetime loving someone who can’t love me back the way I deserve to be loved. At the end of the day, it’s about self-respect and I had to force myself to be done with accepting less

It's also the drugs. The coke is probably making him chatty and then when he's not on them, he's irritable and angry.

The violence is a real concern. What he's doing to you is pushing you away which is making you come back stronger - you even said it yourself, to try and make him want you.

You deserve so much better. He's making you feel insecure and unhappy most of the time. And I bet you will actually feel relief when he's out of your life.

You dont love him in all probability. All the drama is making a type of hysterical bond.

This screams co-dependent relationship! You are hooked on the drama and emotional rollercoaster, he is hooked on drugs. You will never be right for each other, you are fuelling each other’s problems.
Please see sense and end this now, rather than wasting years of your life.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm 29 and I was with my fiancee for 5 years. It was a very similar situation. I loved him so much and we were happy seemingly most of the time but If I'm honest it was only because I was doing what he wanted. What I wanted had to take a back seat. Eventually I got very ill with a genetic disorder and was hospitalised and signed off work until my meds kicked in. He didn't care, wouldn't so much as make me a cup of tea and expected me to wait on him and moaned I wasn't dressing up enough and having sex enough. He completely ignored/denied the fact I was ill. He showed his true colours after 5 years of me making excuses for his shitty behaviour I had no choice but to move into my parents for my health and leave him. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I had to put my self respect first. A month later I have been very lucky and the first man I have met is absolutely lovely and treats me so well. I know I made the right decision and I have no regrets. You must put yourself first. I know it seems like the end of the world but I promise you once it's done - life goes on! Pretty soon you won't even miss him. Be strong sweetheart. Don't waste as much time as I did xxxxxxxxx

Also....I hoped he would call/text me over the weeks around our break up but he never did. I caved a few times and called him but he never made the effort. That just proved he didn't love me and didn't care. It doesn't sound like he cares sweetheart. You're worth so much more than that. You can find someone who treats you right and shows you care and love. Don't settle for less xxx

The question you need to ask yourself is how many more years do you want to waste on this?

There is no chance of this changing and complaining to other people doesn't change what's happening it just pisses people off because they get tired of picking up the pieces only for you to stay.

You had a life before this and life will go on without it. You're only enslaving yourself to misery by carrying on with this cluster fuck.