I was never coming first was I?

[SylviatheSnail]

I'm in the middle of separating. Married five years with one child. I'm thinking about our relationship and I realise I was ever going to come first.
Examples such as my mother bullied me when's planning our wedding he just shrugged his shoulders.

His family constantly call unannounced to our home and phone at stupid hours to ramble on with no thought at all. I asked him to have a word but he says I must understand his family are old!

Never contributes to any work on the house and if I ask him for money says he hasn't got it

In the run up to our wedding I was in a job I hated but he let me take the stress of the job,planning the wedding and buying a house alone

Sounds like your well shot of him.hes unsupportive and mean spirited
Just make sure you don’t get similarly sidelined in next relationship
Learn and reflect

He says all the right things but really he doesn't act them out at all

Presumably you’re seperating due irreconcilable differences?
Take care of yourself and your girl,it will be difficult

A fresh start without the mental, financial and emotional drain of the ex. I think You will be fine op, In your peaceful home. Plus you now know what you don’t want in a relationship so onwards and upwards. Good luck

We are separating as he told me thing won't change so if they won't change I'm gone. He thinks I'm looking for excuses to leave him. He also refused to have a joint bank account as he says he seen burnt in the past. I asked him if I could see his bank statements and he refused

Seems you both don't trust each other. Did you both had a good/happy time together?

OP - you have a mixed bag of issues there.
To start with - you don’t need to justify why you want to separate. If you are unhappy - it’s a reason enough.
And on the financials/help around the house - it does seem like there isn’t trust and partnerships.

Your other complaints - are more you. Really.
If your mother is bullying you - why is it his job to ‘protect’/do something? You are a grown up - why can’t you speak up?
If visitors/calls happen in inconvenient times and he won’t mention it - you can speak to them just as well. You live there, you count.
If you don’t like the job - it’s not for him to ‘let you take the stress’ - as per above - you are an adult - don’t like the job - change it.
The only reason I am mentioning the last examples is so that in your next relationship you don’t get into the same expectation trap...
It’s not about being put first. Relationship is a give-and-take and joint support. Being put first is possible on some, not all issues.

You are not looking for excuses to leave him you are looking at the relationship and seeing that there's not much in it for you

Mmom it's about being a team. I stood up to my mother but having support would have been nice I found myself a new job but having support when I was having a breakdown over it would have been nice. I do tell them it's a bad time or don't answer the door but it continues. I want my husband to have my back I don't think that's too much.

Give and take is fair enough but having to do and arrange and think and pay for everything is taking the bastarding piss

It doesn’t sound like he was giving you emotional support as a partner should do. Sounds like a selfish mofo esp regarding not wanting a joint bank account

Just read that you bought the house alone so not even joint funds?

He sounds like a cock lodger, was he even paying rent?

He sounds like a cock lodger, was he even paying rent?
Would this be asked of a woman
Unlikely

He paid the mortgage while I paid the bills. We had had good times but I realise most holidays etc were paid for by me. He wouldn't get his arse in gear to arrange anything and leave it to me. Maybe that's was to get me to pay for it?