A conversation with my mum - was she out of order or am i a sensitive bitch?

[user57424]

Ive been away for a couple of weeks and been reflecting on a conversation with my mum which led to us falling out and I have barely exchanged two words with her since (be in touch but ive been very brief). I want some honest opinions about how I reacted here, am I being unfair?

Basically my younger sibling got engaged a month ago. shes married to a lawyer who makes a lot of money, my sibling has a job but wouldn't effect their lives at all if she were to stop working. heres no pressure on her to progress etc because they have a very comfortable life (though I accept that it is in every woman's interest to want to keep a decent job despite marriage and kids!). anyway...about two weeks after the engagement I asked my parents for 200 quid to fix my car. for context, I have a decent job but recently bought my own place and things have been tight. my parents have money (I realise this doesn't mean they should give it to me!).

on asking this, my mum said they would make a contribution of 50 quid. I thanked them. we then sat and had some drinks together and my mum says that I really should just marry X (person I have met twice from online dating). she said I should just do that and I would never have to worry about money (he has a very good job) and then I could get on with having children. she laughed. I asked her to stop it as I didn't want to talk about it and the whole thing made me feel uncomfortable. she then went on to talk about how kate middleton had kids in her thirties and there was still time for me, that kate has started when she was 33 but she is 38 now with three kids. I am 34. my dad sort of jumped in here and said that women in their forties have children now - presumably he could see that I wasn't enjoying this conversation. my mum then carried on and said that my sister will probably have a baby in a year or so and that her and her fiancee are going to move up closer to my parents and that i should just do something similar with this new man i had met. I then aggressively said to my mum to just stop or I would leave. she said sorry in a laughing way and then said two more times that I should just marry X and stop worrying about my own career and stop having money worries. I then stormed off. she apologised later and said that she didn't mean to upset me and my dad said she just wants me to be happy...

i still cant get my head around it - they both know i am desperate to marry and have a family and they know that it has been hard to watch my much younger sibling settle down long before me. i also felt massively hurt that she would mention a relationship in the context of money at a time when i have nothing...ive put it all into the house and it has been tough. i don't want to marry someone for the sake of it and i actually was proud of my job before she said all this.

i have struggled to have a proper conversation with her since, bar texts to say i am ok or goodnight here and there. the one thing that matters to me most - having a family - she has just waved in front of me as something i don't have. i felt totally mocked by her and compared with my younger sibling. my mum married very young and parents have never had financial problems, shes never been in my position before so perhaps she doesn't know how much it has hurt me.

am i being over the top? too sensitive? i don't want to ruin my relationship with her but everything i think about the conversation i just feel so shit and if a friend had done that to me then i wouldn't consider them a friend.

that should say "shes going to get married to..."

She was insensitive and obviously hit a raw nerve. I wouldn't fall out over it but would probably go in a huff for a bit. The grown up thing to do would be to talk to her or your dad about it.

i have done, shortly after i left she called me and said sorry. i told her how much it hurt me and that after i had asked her to stop she still continued. she just said "i want you to be happy." which really didn't make sense to me...i was happy, before you reminded me of what i don't have and made me feel like it is the only thing that matters

It sounds very much like an old fashioned mum saying you should find a nice man and settle down and have babies like your sister. However, I suspect she doesn't know how much you would very much like to be in this position and therefore doesn't realise she is in fact touching a nerve.

Be thankful that you are in a position to have a job that allows you to get your own place and know if nothing happens on the romance front you are more fortunate than some others and .. love sometimes happens when you least expect it.

Be firm with your mum each time she raises similar things. Even if it takes walking out a couple of times. She will soon get the message.

You should be pleased for your sibling not jealous. Maybe that is the crux.

thanks. what i found hard this time was that she definitely KNOWS that is what i want. she really really knows that. and i hated how she mentioned it connected with money. and then compared me to my sibling. i alredy feel alone a lot of the time as it is. i don't need a reminder from the person who is supposed to support me. i don't know why but this time i am finding it hard to move past.

I was annoyed for you that they would only give you 50 pounds towards your car repair considering they are well off.

feckers i am pleased for her. but it isn't nice to be compared like that when my mum knows i would love to be getting married.

I totally empathize. That is very hurtful. She should be very proud of all you have achieved. But all you can do is focus on yourself and being true to yourself.
It’s good that you let her know how you feel. It does sound like she doesn’t have a clue.

Do you often ask your parents for money? That's the feeling I got from your post.
It's a bit shit to be compared unfavourably to your sibling; your mum sounds very old-fashioned, and surely she must see that it's not in your best interest to marry a bloke you hardly know!
Hard as it is, I would do my level best to ignore her. There's no guarantee your sister will still be married in 10 years time anyway, or that she'll be able to conceive.

I think your feelings about your circumstances are skewing your reaction here. She was insensitive but she clearly wasn't trying to hurt you and she's apologised for it.

I think I would try very hard to let it go now.

Dieu i have asked them for money now and then, yes. but i saved entirely for my own house deposit, which they easily could have helped with, and i didn't ask for a penny towards that. i have asked for help when things have happened like the car has broken down or boiler needed replacing when i first moved.

they didn't make the comment because i had asked for the money and it inconvenienced them. they mentioned it because it was a way to remind me i am on my own and my sibling would never have this problem despite earning less than half my income.

It sounds as if she touched a nerve and you overreacted. I honestly wouldn't fall out over it through unless there's some massive backstory. Tell her to pack it in in future.

She could have given you the 200 quid loan though if they're well off.

i don't want to ruin my relationship with her

Then you need to draw a line under it. You told her it hurt you and she has apologised.

It's far from unforgivable and life is too short.

they mentioned it because it was a way to remind me i am on my own and my sibling would never have this problem despite earning less than half my income

I think you're going a bit far now in saying they were being deliberately cruel and trying to hurt you. I really don't think this is the case.

I also think you need to get past your sibling envy as it's going to destroy you.

bluntness i think that's probably true - i am feeling very low about things at the moment in terms of being single, which is unlike me and so i reacted badly. i also started panicking again about having children and feeling like it is too late. just wish she avoided these topics, i have asked her so many times.

I'd have been upset too, and I don't think I'm over sensitive. The thing that stands out to me is that your DM seriously suggested you marry a man you hardly know, and marry him for money. That's an appalling thing to say, and if I were your DF I'd have been very uncomfortable to hear it. If he had money when she married him he might be wondering if that's why he got lucky.

The whole conversation sounds crass and unkind. But if she loves you and she usually means well it may be that she's just tactless. She may be so preoccupied with wanting to make sure you don't miss the boat that she simply doesn't register that you know exactly how old you are and that you're upset and worried about not meeting someone special yourself.

I have to say that if they are well off it seems a bit mean not to give you the £200. My parents would have insisted and, given that I haven't got a bean, I'd have accepted.

Perhaps tell your DM that if she wants you out looking for a wealthy Mr Right you're going to need a new wardrobe and swanning about money...

Seriously - I think she's tactless and insensitive but she probably didn't mean to be malicious. You know her so your take is probably pretty accurate.

Congratulations on buying your own place and your good job. These are significant achievements and it's sad that your DM doesn't seem think so.

I have a real distaste at the thought of marrying for money. A wealthy man wanted to marry me when I was young. I wasn't interested because I didn't love him.

He was a dull man who wanted a nice looking woman to decorate his flat and throw dinner parties. But one of my oldest friends went on and on about what a fool I'd been to turn him down. I went off her after that.

Prawn has just said exactly what I was going to say.

Also I find it concerning that your mum brought it up at all. As you say, you were in a happy frame of mind and she went on and on trying to spoil it.

I would probably keep out of her way for a while, give her time to ponder, then have a heart to heart.

She's being cruel. For one thing she could realise how tough it is to be on your own and struggling to manage, and she could have given you £200 without a second thought. In fact given they have the money, she could have given you a bit more, to lighten the load.

Then to bring up a marriage and family when she knows you long for that, is horrible. She really is thoughtless.

Are you able to rent a room out, to make things easier?

thanks for the posts.

i don't think my mum would go out of her way to be cruel to me but she knew it was upsetting me and carried on. i guess she did apologise afterwards when she could see how upset i was.

the poster who said it isn't unforgiveable is right and that's the bottom line isn't it. i need to be strong here and just move past it.

i feel as if someone has just taken the thing that hurts most in the world - the lack of family - and gone on and on about it and raised more alarms bells in my head.

while i am happy for my sibling - though it may not seem it here! - it is of course hard to watch all of that when i have had to work my socks off and look like i am far less successful/my life isn't picture perfect. i could have done without my mum reminding me of it.

It's not too late op, people have kids much older than you. As both your parents pointed out.

Just draw a line under it. Your parents clearly care about you. She has apologised.

Try to come to terms with your current situation, be happy with what you have, as you have a lot more than others do. And everything else will come in time.

i am trying, it is hard. i felt totally mocked by her and as if my life was just a mess until i decide to "just marry" someone.

Op, I don't think you're willing to let it go, and I think you're going to cause a lot of pain for you and everyone around you if you can't.

Your parents were not being cruel and mocking you. At worst they were insensitive. They have apologised.

Your life is simply different to that of your sibling. You need to get over the envy this has caused you, as you're rolling downhill into bitter.

Your parents made a mistake. They clearly weren't aware of the extremity of your feelings. But this whole thing that they were mocking you, doing it deliberately, being cruel, trying to hurt you i suspect is very wrong.

Stop lashing out at them. It's immature. Be a grown up now. And focus on why you feel as you do about your circumstances and how to fix it. Focus on you and make up with your parents. You've taken this far enough now.

I think your sister will be well aware that you've done so much better than she has. She'll know she was lucky to meet that guy and that if she lived alone she wouldn't be managing as well as you, not by a long shot.